Grappling

This weekend was hard. I am really not doing particularly well. I have been getting progressively more depressed, and spending time with people and drinking wine did not help that very much.

When I got home on Friday, Megan was making dinner, which was nice. She had made rice in the rice cooker, and was making the chicken tikka masala that I had bought, and had looked up how to make naan at home, and was rolling it out when I got home. I did what dishes I could to try to contribute, and when it was done, we started eating and watched Netflix. I think we watched the last episode of Bones, and then started Raising Hope. I guess that was fine, but I was not really that excited about it… just because I wasn’t. Jim was supposed to come home that night, but Megan got a text from him saying it would be the next day. I think we went to bed around a normal bed time, because I was super-tired.

I figured out the next day that I had slept for 10 hours. I was pretty tired, and could have slept more, but Megan was up and started running her knitting machine, and I can’t sleep through that, because it’s really loud. I sat there for a while as she finished up the blanket she was working on, and we got dressed and went to go to the PA Dutch market. Megan wanted to get breakfast there, but the lines were crazy, and they also didn’t have the cinnamon buns that she wanted to get, but I did find some spices I needed, and we got a couple of other things that looked good. We then got some donuts, since it was late, and I wanted lunch, still. We ate those, and then went to the grocery store and the liquor store, and picked up a few things that we needed, and then headed home. We had time to eat the sandwiches we picked up and take showers before Matt and Ryan got to us. We then talked a bit, and after a bit, got to work on making the cheesecakes that Ryan needed to make for work. That went by without too much trouble, except for the fairly long cooking time. We were all fairly hungry, and sat and talked for a while as it cooked, and when it was about done, realized that they needed cake boxes for the cheesecakes, so we ordered pizza, then Matt and I went to pick up cake boxes at the craft store, and then picked up pizza while we were out. Ryan is still on a diet, so we had to get thin crust pizza, but I guess it was okay. We had that along with a bunch of wine, and that was nice while it lasted, though Megan kept making more food, and I was stuffed, myself. They eventually decided to stay, despite not having brought stuff for that, but we had enough things for them to borrow that it didn’t matter. We stayed up fairly late talking, and a little after Matt nodded off, we went to bed… around midnight.

We got up around 8, even though Megan and I hadn’t slept terribly well, having woken up a few times during the night. I had drunk a lot of water to make up for the large amount of wine I had drunk, so I mostly got up to go to the bathroom, but was also rather uncomfortable. Anyhow, we got up and made breakfast logs (which are breakfast sandwiches baked in pretzel dough), and had made coffee. Matt and Ryan slept pretty late, but got up about 10 minutes before food was ready, and then ate. We then talked some more, until they decided to leave. We talked for a while outside, but eventually, they left, and we came inside. I forget exactly what happened, then. I think we sat for a bit, then Megan decided to try making bubble tea, which took a while, and I got very tired, depressed, and just generally unhappy during the process, and went to lay down. I ended up falling asleep, and slept for at least an hour. When I got up, Megan had made the bubble tea, and started using her knitting machine, but I felt sick to my stomach and very depressed, still. Just the same, I couldn’t sleep any longer, since it was too loud. I sat there for some time, trying to figure out if there was anything at all in which I would be interested in doing. Megan told me about some things that Ryan had said to her about how to deal with my depression, and they were not particularly flattering… and I didn’t think they were particularly helpful, either… but I tried to be sure that I was not sort of subconsciously using depression to get what I want, or at least, that depression wasn’t surfacing in a way that supported that. I ended up sitting there staring into space for a good, long time. Eventually, Jim came home, and had brought bubble tea. I was still feeling kind of ill, but decided it would be rude not to drink it, so I gave it a try, and it was okay. Megan and Jim had some chips, and I made some chicken noodle soup, and she eventually made wonton soup, too. We then watched more Raising hope, and once I had gotten distracted, I felt less awful… but not really better, either. When we went to bed, we only had six episodes left, and were running out of shows to watch… but then I saw that Chuck is now on Netflix, so we will probably watch that next. Megan finished up on some crocheting she was working on, and I took a shower, and we went to sleep.

We got up early, and Jim drove Megan to work, and she is planning to take the bus home. I got up and got her coffee and breakfast ready, and took care of my own business, and then played some Skyrim. That was enjoyable… and is one of the few things I seem to still enjoy while depressed. I pursued some quests in this one area, but on the way, the power went out briefly, which made me lose a good bit of progress, so I had to start over from the last autosave. I got to a good place, I think, but was a little over on my time leaving the house. Still, I enjoyed it, even if it was brief… and I wasn’t perilously late to work. I still feel kind of crappy… and thought about going home, honestly. Still, I stuck it out. I went to a vision screening that they offered at work… and apparently, I’m not doing terribly well on seeing close up. I wondered why my eyes have been hurting, and I guess that might be it. I’m not particularly looking forward to bifocals, but I guess they might be in my future. I’ll try taking off my glasses more when I read… perhaps that will help some. Anyhow, I went running after that, and managed just fine. I’m getting better at running slowly. I have a hard time not just going fast when I start. I made the full two mile track without walking, so that’s a plus. It’s been hard doing that when coming back from weekends recently, so it’s nice that I’m there, now. I just need to see if I can keep it up the rest of the week. I guess I’ll stick it out today, and see if I can make myself do it. I think I need to try to not stress myself out about things that are really hard… and just wait to address some issues until my depression has passed… like deciding whether or not to have children, or dealing with the extra responsibilities they are trying to give me at work. I know that feels like a cop-out at times… but I just am not really equipped to deal with these things at the moment… and I think giving myself the gift of compassion on these things would be helpful… and I’m not just ditching

these things, just deciding that I don’t need to figure them out right now. I think I need that….