Lunch with the Past, Planning the future

Met some friends from my old workplace for lunch on Tuesday. I was a little reluctant to go. I didn’t use to be like this, but after Adolph and MB I’ve become more the sort of person who when something ends prefers to cut all ties–burn letters, sell the books, get rid of pictures. I have no interest in returning to the company, which is in a lovely park, let alone the town that it’s in. And I felt a little diffident about seeing my old friends (one, maybe two of whom had a hand in creating the perceptions about me as a flake that I was never able to shake off. But they saw the error in this a while ago, though too late).

Still I went. They wanted to see me. It was as it I had died for them. One day I was there and next day gone forever. We met in a Zen Palate restaurant, a sister restaurant to the one in NYC. I got there a little early to do some post office errands and browse around. When I went into the restaurant 3 of the 4 were there-hugs all around. The fourth arrived soon after, more hugs. They wanted to know how I was, a little embarrassed, and I said I was fine, and then we talked about other things, especially about the food we were eating. NG seemed happy, smiled constantly. Mel was the same. The restaurant was Japanese-influenced, so everyone consulted him on what was real Japanese. He was both ironic and vulnerable, as always. He told me sotto voce about a meeting with the client over some general issues that had been planned and postponed and finally happened the day before. Dog was there, missing the point and talking about the wrong things, till Mel wanted to throw him out of the room. It sounded a bit of a political posturing sort of event. I find myself more and more relieved to be away from all that, at least for a while. The work was fun and interesting. The poses and politics were exhausting.

Today I had my first meeting with the job search place my company fixed me up with. They seem good. Lots of resources, very organized process for us to follow, personal counselors. They don’t do private clients, just people being paid for by companies. I have a lot of stuff to read, some on-line courses to take, and their career search support site to explore, then I meet with my personal counselor in a couple of weeks.

An annoyance: I had paperwork, so I carefully left it at the door so I would remember it this morning. Unfortunately, I didn’t put the directions with it. I got as far as I remembered from reading the directions before, then went to look the rest up and saw it wasn’t there. My immediate thought was “this is the sort of thing they fired me for.” But those are useless thoughts. Meanwhile, I turned around, sped back down the turnpike, got the directions, sped back, and arrived only 15 minutes late, while everyone was still going around the table giving introductions.

Had a dream last night that sums up my attitude, or at least the more positive of my attitudes. I dreamt that I had written a beautifully crafted, excellent play that was being produced off Broadway. Surely, I thought, they wouldn’t fire someone who had done that kind of work. But I saw their blank, uncommunicative faces and realized they were not interested in any of the great things I did.

Thinking in terms of what I want to do next, and where I want it to be. I would like to be where management is supportive of staff, and where molehills are not made out to be mountains. I think I would go mad to be once again in a place where people were expected to never make a mistake, small as well as large. (Things weren’t like this at my former employer’s until a couple of years ago). It was making me nuts. To be fired for a typo that didn’t really matter much is crazy. I want to be in a sane place next time. I wonder if that is too much to ask.