Second Base

Offensive content usually found within, read at own risk. No whiners.

So, sometimes you think you’ve really got yourself pegged, and then you do something that completely astounds you.
I keep covering for myself but I don’t gain any peace from it. I’ve spent a LOT of time thinking. Neglecting everything else, I’ve spent a ridiculous amount of time thinking about what I want, and what I need. I have a personal diary that I update once every couple of years, detailing where I am in my life and what I think I should do. The last one that I wrote was back in 2008. I wrote about my experiences with men since the days of my married life, and pieced together what I didn’t and what I did enjoy most about my encounters with them. The things weren’t purely sexual, they were all over the place. To summarize, I have this to say:

Life is what I make it. If my happiness is determined only by how I believe those ahead of me see it, then I will never be happy on my own. If I am constantly striving to become something more than what I am, regardless of real facts, I am only setting myself up for failure and heartbreak when those goals are not actualized. Therefore, I believe I must follow this ‘settling’ thing and realize that my life is passing me by. The other day I realized that in less than five years, I will be thirty. I used to have unrealistic goals of having a doctorate, a family, and a successful and interesting career by the time I was thirty. This was when I was 18. I have recently changed my opinion. At the sacrifice of seeming a bit cold to Zach over the last week, my brooding has paid off. I see now that I am not Gandhi.  I am not the Buddha. I must understand that my time here is precious and finite, and I must spend it in a way that grants happiness now, instead of suffering for only potential or partial happiness. I am too important to worry about things I cannot control, that I have no conception of repairing. My life is my canvas, and I must be thankful for the art that it depicts. This is what I have, and I have to be grateful for it. 

In an even more brief summary, I have decided to just ‘go with the flow’ instead of planning my life around unrealistic concepts. It will take some adjustments, but I believe real progress has been made in the creation of a Mary that I can be happy with. Zach does not expect me to become a doctor. He doesn’t expect me to excel at my career overnight. He does expect me to love him with all of myself, and to stop living a dream (tony) that isn’t there. I have to embrace the idea that I will not be something historical one day.

I am thankful for all of you who read, whether you note or not. This is the dawning of a new age for me, and I am so happy that I have the people I do in my life to help me live it.

Thank you.