Rollercoaster

Offensive content usually found within, read at own risk. No whiners.

The great Bill Hicks is remembered at times for this philosophy, which I hold as my own personal mantra to get me through life: 
 

"The world is like a ride at an amusement park, and when you choose to go on it, you think it’s real, because that’s how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down and round and round and it has thrills and chills and it’s very brightly colored and it’s very loud. And it’s fun, for a while.

Some people have been on the ride for a long time, and they begin to question: ‘Is this real? Or is this just a ride?’ And other people have remembered, and they come back to us and they say ‘Hey! Don’t worry, don’t be afraid – ever – because… this is just a ride.’"

I feel like I am on the big upside down part where you think you’re going to fall out, and you would, if it weren’t for that little bar that keeps you in. Imagine it. Now imagine if you were stuck that way. 

I’ve been so insane and confused lately that I feel like I can’t get myself back on track. I have a boyfriend, and sometimes, I’m happy that he’s in my life. But then, certain moments come where I want to just be alone, be single, be free. I feel that our seriousness is suffocating, and that if I can’t come up for air I’m going to die here (in more realistic terms, that I’m going to settle and get married and have children and a house with a dog and a yard). My thoughts, my heart, my love… it doesn’t belong to my boyfriend. It belongs to Tony, my ex-boyfriend, who I cannot seem to escape. Not that I want to, mind you, which makes me evil in a lot of people’s eyes. To love one while loving another is cheating in many circles. But I can’t help what I feel. Zach gives me the companionship and romance that I crave here and now, but my future with him, as I would imagine it, is mediocre and not good enough for me. He’s a wonderful guy, but he has permanent traits that I cannot get used to. I loved that I loved Tony completely, with minimal irritations or questions. He was easy to love, and our relationship was fun, even when we hit the hard times. He didn’t get frustrated with me as easily as Zach does. I know they are different people, but I can’t appreciate the changes.

  Edit: 

I don’t how how I should act when it comes down to it. In the days since I wrote this I have talked to Tony and told him how I feel about the entire situation, and I feel as though I may have gained a bit of closure on that. It was ultimately selfish of him to decide that since I wasn’t in a financially sound place at the time, that I was never going to be, and that was just not good enough. I guess for Zach I don’t have to be financially sound, and even though I’m working on it, and he does want me to work on it, for my sake, he doesn’t aggressively pursue the topic. He knows I am doing what I can, and appreciates it enough there.

I went to a baseball game on Saturday with Zach and a bunch of our friends. It was a load of fun and I can’t imagine that my opinions are changing. I’ve talked to Zach about my issues with all this, and how I feel like settling is just not good enough. I’ve always been of the opinion that if one goes out and makes changes in the world, then that is a better use for life. But Zach feels as though falling in love, devoting yourself to someone, and raising a family is the ultimate use of life. I’ve never thought this. Not once, in my whole life have I ever believed that being average and normal is good. Anyone that knows me knows that I dislike most children. They also know that when Justin and I were together, I wanted children of my own. I’m conflicted about the whole thing. It would be very simple to just get married, buy a house, raise some kids… but is that what I really want? Would I be discontent with my life if I suddenly became Donna Reed? I’ve always felt that I needed to do something bigger than me. Something significantly more important than myself, and then that something would make me whole. Perhaps I’ll end up one of those mothers that live vicariously through their children? I don’t want to resent Zach or my life if I settle. But the more time I spend with Zach and the less time I think that Tony is a better option, the easier it gets to want to settle.

The rollercoaster is killing me. I want and need some peace. Hopefully I’ll get it soon.