before bed.

…dear spydr…

these are the moments i dread the most. the quiet ones before I put my head on my pillow and try to think of a happy or funny memory to send me off to sleep. all the memories, really, are happy or funny or both…but at the moment, each one ends with “…but we’ll never hear that laugh again….” or “…and i should have let him.” or “…and i wish i could still say to him…” there is a part of me that dreads sleep, too. as much as i want you in my dreams, i am also afraid you’ll be there. not…afraid, i guess. i always long to see you, feel you, hear you…smell and touch you in every dream…and i long equally for a time when that doesn’t result in a damp pillowcase and tender cheeks. maybe dream spydr would be so kind as to help with those tears….

you always kept me thinking, spydr. our conversations were always interesting, and stimulating…i felt like you respected my intelligence. now i know it was part of what you loved about me. it didn’t take me long to figure that out. we always had great conversation. i miss sitting quietly with you, just….talking.

i am so tired, honey. the weird sleep patterns are taking their toll on me – weird sunken puffs under my eyes that are an interesting blackish purple color. my eyelids are an alarming shade of violet. it feels like I haven’t slept in a week. i guess that’s pretty accurate…

all right, my love. it’s time. be gentle with me tonight…come love me quietly under a tree somewhere, where in my sleep, i can feel your heart beating against my cheek again….

i love you, spydr. LOLAK

…sugarz