In The Rearview

dear spydr…

 

I keep looking back over our texts. I keep replaying our calls in my head. I’d give anything to hear you say “come gimme some sugar, sugar!” I hope you had enough to see you through the veil, babe. I hope you’ve got some left.

it pleases me that I can include photos here. i don’t know what happens when india inevitably closes your account. will our messages disappear? i’ve been screen shotting everything. here. memories of us, for you, from me.

…after you asked me if i’d stay with you, before i’d made up my mind. no, babe. I did not want to do anything else. 💜

Edit: wrong pic (they’re small i cannot see!) So i had to change words. This was just another of your many medical check ins. You always had more questions for me, my sweet Dr Pirate. 🙂 I miss your grillings. That’s not a joke, for the record.

i am trying to remind myself of this. you never did anything else, spydr. you were awfully good at making me super happy. i miss my pop up pirate kisses. they were the highlight of most of my days…i miss the warmth in your voice when you spoke to me. i loved the video…i did. but that’s not how you sound when you speak to ME. i miss the way you’d stop on your way for a chat with eric or andy on the other side of the bar to drop a kiss on the place where my shoulder meets my neck, then cover it with your hand like you wanted to protect it until it soaked in all the way…my favorite moments were when I’d lace my fingers into yours, and we’d hold hands that way, both our thumbs rubbing the spot where they rested in circles, small strokes, and taps…i’d lean back against you and look up at you while you listened to whichever song made you need this contact, and you’d look down after a moment…your eyes would crinkle as you smiled at me, and you’d bend down for a kiss. you always took the time to pay attention to me. I can’t remember how many times you told those fools to wait a minute, you had some sugar in your hands/mind/mouth (Hahahah that one was funny.). it made me love you all the more…fiercely. i found someone i felt was worthy of me…and who made me feel worthy of him. damnit could we have moved ANY slower!? there’s so much i will never know!

 

uugh, this was a mistake. I am suddenly sitting here with wet cheeks, and a ball in the pit of my stomach that is threatening to derail my entire night…i told you, baby. i’m barely hanging on without you. i AM hanging on, but by my fingertips and on my tippy toes…i could use your long reach, strong arms, and gentle hands, my love. i really could.

 

….i spoke to…well. texted with logan today. there’s nothing to do for the next few days, until your memorial, so he is back at work. i told him…stay safe. be smart. don’t catch this virus…and call if he needs. i’m not sure if he’s got someone to talk to now that you’ve left us…(…have been taken from us? neither sounds or feels right. i’ll find something that fits for us, babe. now that you’re gone? implies return. now that you can’t? …yes. yes, i like that better.) now that it can’t be you. but i want him to know that if he needs someone, i am available to listen. i can’t imagine what i would do with all these thoughts of mine if my girls were gone. and truth be told, it helps me to have someone who is missing you as deeply as i am, if not more. …though i can’t imagine more. more would probably kill me. as it is, i need to get the pacer interrogated after this fiasco. i keep feeling it turn on, which means i’m going low again. need to find out why…and interested to find out the numbers. yes, i promise to keep you posted.

 

….awww, baby. who am i going to show my readouts to from now on!? maybe i’ll send you pictures of the interesting stuff. heh. nag. 😍 but you were MY nag.

 

ok. time to be semi-productive. i only managed half my dinner tonight…so time to clean up and put it away, and try again tomorrow.

meanwhile, i’m missing you in my soul tonight. I tried to sing for you, but my heart isn’t ready to release the sounds yet. maybe it’s because it’s so heavy….i think i’d need an audience of some sort, to hang on to my pain while i let the love swim through the music….

more before bed. i love you, spydr. LOLAK.

– sugarz