Uncertainty

I know, I know. It seems like every time I come out here now it’s the same opening – “I can’t believe it has been this long since my last update”. Blah blah blah blah. But how can I write when I have no desire to? I told myself that I would update the next time I really and truly felt like it. But I haven’t. Not even now. But the flip side of that is if I neglected this much longer, I might never come back at all. I have been coming back to read and note on occasion, but for myself? It gets harder every time out.

Catching up? Same job still. Same people still annoying me there. An opportunity opened up a couple weeks ago for an events coordinator position on my floor, and I jumped at the chance and applied. There was no way I could pass up the opportunity. It would be a good pay increase as well as added responsibilities. I actually interviewed for it yesterday, and despite the fact that I knew the lady I had interviewed with, I feel like I messed up badly. I feel like I didn’t present myself in the best light possible. But I have done all that I could. From here on, I’d hear about a second interview early next week, and by next Friday I would know. I’m nervous but I have kinda put it out of my mind, since I doubt I have left myself any chance. We’ll see, but I’m not getting my hopes up.

Continuing to settle into married life. I can’t say that it’s been easy, although it has been easier in the last ten days or so. That’s because before then it got really, really ugly, probably the worst it has been in a very long time. Certain events made me do a lot of heavy thinking, but I feel that I made the right decisions. I know, vague, but the bottom line is that things were worked out. It wasn’t easy though, it was trying and painful, not to mention scary. Very scary. I wasn’t sure how to act or react, for the next couple days I was more numb than anything else. But I guess in the end our strength as a couple and our faith is what saw us through. It made us see that being married is a lot harder than we had imagined. I know I had said, “oh, well other people have trouble, we’re different, we’re strong, we’ve talked a lot of things through”. But as with many other things, there’s been a certain adjustment process to go through. So that’s where we are at now.

I am still finding time to do many things; since we’ve been in our new place I feel like I don’t have nearly enough time to accomplish many of my hobbies and activities. It feels like time is flying faster than it ever has before, and now I feel like one minute I have just come home from work and it is 530 PM, and next thing I know it’s 11PM and time for me to go to bed. So I’ve been trying to read, crochet, scrapbook, learn new software programs, work on my creative writing, work out, etc. It just seems like the time isn’t there anymore, and I’m not completely sure where it has gone. That, plus my motivation hasn’t been the greatest. For anything. I’ve been feeling extra crummy recently and that certainly hasn’t helped. The weakness is at another high, my legs feel weighted and leaden, my arms feel tingly…I’ve gotten dizzy working out too. I went to the doctor last week and they told me that I had a great variety of symptoms and couldn’t really attribute them to any one thing. So I’m still weak and hurting and lacking the strength and energy I need to do anything.

I feel like I am drifting or wandering with no direction to head in particular. It certainly isn’t a very pleasant feeling. It’s also not something I know how to describe any more clearly than that. I feel like I continue to go through the necessary functions and motions without noticing what is really going on. Add to that a renewed sense of self-deprecation because of my weight. I feel like I have put on ten pounds or so in the past few weeks and now I feel like I am excessively fat. I have been trying to eat a bit more, in an attempt to see if the weakness is from a lack of food. And yes, there was a slight decrease of the weakness, but in another way it has backfired, and now I look at myself in the mirror and I feel disgusted. The physical ailments have also prevented me from working out, so there went the motivation I had when I first moved into our new apartment building, when I was using the gym almost daily.

And now I’m rambling. This entry feels about as disjointed and devoid as I feel right now. Never mind.