Sick of it All

I’ve had just about enough. I have had it with so many things in my world that it is a big surprise to me that I haven’t snapped completely.

I’m tired of being the invisible one. I am tired of suffering insults and embarrassment. At work I am the butt of jokes. My comfort and my contentment are of no concern to anyone, except to the few who actually gave a damn that the snow left me stranded and unable to get to work on my own Thursday morning…Whether it is at work, on the bus, at the store, wherever, it’s like people don’t notice I am there. I get stepped on, shoved, looked down upon, mistreated, hurt, all as if I didn’t even exist. Things get thrown at me. Invisible.

It’s not like I am a small girl. Hell, of late I have put weight back on again. I’m always hungry, even after I have just finished eating. Once again I have lost the sense of fullness, because with no matter what I put into my mouth it isn’t enough. I finish a portion of a meal and look ahead to something else that I can add to it. I’m finding a comfort in food that is becoming more rare in some of my other activities. Writing? If I haven’t even come up with what to say in this diary then I certainly haven’t been able to do more of anything else. Cooking? Last thing I really made were cookies for work (yeah I know, how is that for irony, me doing something nice for people who don’t deserve it), and then those were just from the refrigerated dough. TV? That has become useless as well. I have Monday Night Football on and I can tell that I am barely paying attention.

I speak and I feel like very few hear me. My opinion doesn’t seem to matter anymore. If I say something at work, my authority is undermined, and anyone goes around me to do what they want. Nothing I ever say is right. I am the one with the strange ideas and common sense – why do my words only make sense to me?! I might as well not be there, the only reason they have me is to do the worst of the grunt work, and the only reason I go is because I need the money, more now than ever.

I’ve been trying to teach myself several things, most notably crochet and the Bible. But with both I feel like I am getting nowhere. I feel like I should be able to pick up a book or other information source and draw out the information that I need. Isn’t that what school was for, for me to learn how to learn new things? I’ve been trying to prove to myself that I can do it still, that my brain and my abilities are still intact. But for some reason I just can’t. Things that come easily to others are awful on me, like the crochet. I have several books and diagrams, why can’t I just get it?! As for the Bible, it is even more of an enigma, but I would think that I would understand more of the analyses and commentary. Seldom do I understand before the superficial points of view.

What’s it going to take to get me out of this? I feel like I am just going through the motions. I feel like my temper is worse than it has ever been. I am terrified for what might happen if I can’t reel it in, because I feel that it can just let loose at any given time. I want to withdraw from most people fearing the same things I have described above. I’m tired of being insulted. I’m tired of being isolated, of feeling like less of a person.

I feel partially paralyzed and claustrophobic. I’m wondering if by merely saying that people would get offended and even leave me to myself more.

I’m tired of doing things to make others happy, acquiesing to others needs and wants instead of standing my ground. Why? Because when I stand my ground, show the least bit of backbone, and form an opinion, I am a misfit. I am a bitch. I am tired of giving in to people and what they want instead of following through with what I want. Compromising? Yeah, right, I’ve tried that and that just makes me feel like a doormat. Well, let’s be fair, not in every case. But in some, yeah, definitely. If someone else disagrees, well we have to “make sure all opinions are heard” or “well, ‘so-and-so’ doesn’t like it.” But if I disagree, it’s the biggest deal ever, my opinion is worthless, and I become the disagreeable pariah, who just needs to be cast aside and forgotten.

Let’s throw the snow in there for good measure, thankfully I was able to buy myself some snow boots on Friday but that didn’t stop me from getting cold wet feet Thursday. They certainly helped today but the snow has made me very cranky. And aside from the rare instance of coworkers who cared if I made it in or not, it has made people rude…I don’t know if the weather or my feelings or both have contributed to the shakes and dizzyness I have had all day today, but I have been wondering if it isn’t my blood sugar, so in goes more food.

In nineteen days I will be married. Thank God I don’t have to wait any longer for this because I am ready for it to be over. Of course that doesn’t mean that I’m not excited or happy. Let anyone think what they will after reading that but I am certainly over the stress and aggravation that this has all caused. I thought that by doing a simple wedding in Vegas would get rid of all the crap that I knew a normal wedding would bring for me, and all the questions, but in some ways it has been almost worse. Add to that all the nastiness I have gotten from people just because Travis and I decided to do this in Vegas, like it is going to be less worthy or less special or what not.

Even writing this was supposed to make me vent and relax, but it just brought everything I have been feeling to a head. So I’m going to end this here, and get away from this computer. Probably the best idea I have had tonight.