01/30/2011

Lately I have been frustrated about not knowing how best to express myself. 

Just as I wished myself to be normal, to be average, once I became normal, once I became average I have regretted it ever since.  Just as I had done that, I wished myself to be stoic, no one ever knowing how I felt.  Trying to hide the anxieties that I’ve felt in order to avoid embarrassment.  I now have what I wished for and now I’m starting to regret it.

No outward emotion results in a buffer between my thoughts/emotions and the outside world.  No emotions mean not connections.  No connections mean no love and no friendship.  I am alone.

Alone for so long, social skills have atrophied.  I know with work I can bring them back, but it is uphill and intimidating.

I know what needs to be done.  I just need to do it.  I just need to get out and experience others.  Experience life.  I know what needs to be done but yet I feel limited, chained.  I know I should know what these chains are, but I can’t identify them…  on second though, why should the need identifying?  I just need to break them.  Doesn’t matter what the hell they are…

I need to act, time is running out for me.  The more time I waste, the more regret builds.

Not one day goes by that I don’t know that I’m dying – I’m Dying by VAST