here we go.

So, like I said, I need to do this more often. 🙂 Well, here it is. Another blog.

I am currently enduring another day at work. It’s a Wednesday and that’s really not my favorite day of the week. I could do with it being Friday or even Thursday… but Wednesday? No thanks! I missed work yesterday b/c I wasn’t feeling great. That’s not the original reason why I missed work, but it turned out to be true in that classic “lies will bite you in the ass” fashion. 🙁 I originally missed b/c there were a gazillion things that needed done at home that I wasn’t going to have time for, at all. The house was a freaking disaster, which always stresses Joe out, which in turn stresses me out, so I cleaned it as well as I could. We’re really so crammed into this place that cleaning it is almost irrelevant. 🙁 I cannot wait until we move downstairs. Joe said pretty much the same thing. He feels like the move will be good for his feeling ‘at home’ around us. When he moved in, we were already an established home and he was kind of an add-on. But moving together will be sort of like starting a home TOGETHER.

Things with Joe and I have been tough, lately. It turns out I’m pretty impossible to live with. 🙁 I wasn’t aware of this. I always thought I was pretty easy to get along with. Now, don’t think he was all crappy about it, quite the contrary. He was practically crying when I forced him to tell me what he thought. I guess my responses to everything, even day to day stuff, are pretty unpredictable, and maybe a little intimidating. He feels like he has to filter himself constantly to ‘keep the peace’ at home. This is NOT okay with me. I don’t want him to feel like he can’t be himself with us. I don’t mean to be impossible. This is all really new to me, too. I’ve lived with ‘guys’ before, but it was never serious. It was never a prelude to marriage. I never (ever) called them my husband, knowing that the term would apply fairly soon. What if I’m too impossible? What if I can’t figure out how to mesh with him? I know that the bulk of the compromising has been on his part and I don’t like it, but I don’t know how to … I don’t know. I just don’t know. I’m annoyingly set in my ways. It annoys ME how set in my ways I am. I like change. I have no problem adapting to new situations, I thought. But … maybe I’m wrong. I hate this. I have no idea how to fix this junk. 🙁

I guess I just want things to be okay. He said he doesn’t know me. I mean, he knows me, but there are things he doesn’t know and that bothers him. I think I’m easy to know. If I want you to know me, that is. Ugh! I’m over thinking all of this again! I’m thinking that I don’t know me as well as I thought I did… and that I’ve been wrong about the things I did know… and that it’s my fault that things are kind of awry lately. I don’t like feeling like that.

What the hell do I do?

I totally did not mean for this blog to turn into one of these kinds of blogs, but here it is. I’d say you don’t have to read it if you don’t want to, but this is the end of it, and I’m not moving that disclaimer to the top, so you DO have to read it. Ha.

Love you all muchos.
Tia

sweetcakes

October 24, 2007

I’m trying to survive work today also. Agh!

Grace Personified

October 26, 2007

First, it took you time to establish ways to be set in to start with, as well as cultivating and maintaining your reactions in those situations. It’s going to take some time to make adjustments and changes and it’s also going to take time to stick with them long enough to make them the new defaults. So, should you find yourself engaging in your defaults even though you’re trying to changethings, don’t lose hope or think you’re beyond a means to change or adjust. Just be as consistent as you possibly can about the new stuff and correct things as they arise and it won’t be too long before those corrections become less and less necessary and frequent. It’s not hopeless, love. You just need to give yourself the time and grace to create some new reactions and stuff. You can do this. You can figure it out and work it out and have the kind of life you both want. And what you do in the meantime is breathe, relax, talk out whatever you need to talk out (both of you, or all of you, if/when necessary) and know that, as intense as it may be and feel, this is just a moment. You’ll get through it and you’ll be okay. (cont.)

And, remember, wherever you’re at and whatever is going on, there is always an answer, there’s always a solution and you are never truly without hope. I love you, Miss Tia. And I look forward to hearing about the upswing of all of this. ryn: There was like a whole delay thing with shipping and whatnot. But it’s on its way now. Woo! 🙂

Thank you for your note. i’m going to keep the baby. my diary is just all the random horror filled thoughts in my head. in real life i think i pretty much have it together. a little bit. 🙂

Optimistic Pragmat

November 5, 2007

eh, it’s not so bad. Layli, i believe, got ahold of the director and explained everything. . .and I had already issued an apology. The director replied with a “no big-a deal” thing (though she talked down to me as an underclassman. . . heh). And that’s just how said noter notes. Thanks. Have a good day at work. jami.