1/8/07

yeah, i know .. it’s crazy.. months since i write then i post 3 of ’em at once.. wtfever..

i’m furious right now and i don’t even know what to say or do about it.. i can’t tell him.. cause i just look like a jealous bitch, but its not exactly that..

he added his ex to his myspace friends less than a week after telling her it would be a while b/c he has to learn to trust her again.. well, a week is pretty fucking quick to trust someone who is as fucked up as she is. i can’t even tell you 90% of it, but trust me.. i’ve heard the stories.. this girl needs serious counseling.. and i sincerely doubt she got it in the last week b/c she’s not even aware she needs it.. so what i don’t know is.. did they talk over the phone? did she msg him on myspace? did he (ugh) see her somewhere and talk? what lies did she convince him of? or is he just being himself and utterly forgiving, even when it’s going to obviously bite him in the ass?

and then i’m angry about that! why do these bitches keep getting his forgiveness? while i’m relegated to friend status until the end of fucking time! i don’t cheat. i don’t lie. i sincerely care about him. i’m not trying to be someone i’m not. i listen when he talks. hurt when he hurts. laugh when he’s dumb. i would give just about anything to just have a chance. i know that sounds stupid considering we’ve been engaged twice and dated a few times more than that, but hear me out. i’ve never had a sincere chance from him. he’s never said any of this, but i know it. originally, he dated me out of pity. here was a single mom with more baggage than a carousel at an airport after an international flight, and he thought he could be a ray of sunshine or something in my life. and he was. then it spiralled into obligation.. yeah, he felt obligated to stay with me b/c i relied on him or something.. or b/c he could/should help me. finally, there’s the ‘i’m lonely’ reasons.. yeah, i just happened to be there a few times when he was lonely and i was comfortable.. and easy. (by easy i don’t mean slutty, i mean, he knew i adored him and couldn’t say no.. he was my weakness..) but never, in all those times, did i ever get what these girls have had and thrown away.. a true, sincere, i-want-to-be-with-you-even-if-it-doesn’t-work-out chance. never. it’s not fair. he has his ‘reasons’. excuses for why he doesn’t think we’ll ever work out. and the worst part is, i can’t argue with his logic except to say

LOGIC HAS NO PLACE IN LOVE

but that’s entirely too touchy feely for him, i’m sure. but why do i get the logic.. ????? i heard him talk about this latest one.. o god i had to hear it… my heart being ripped from me every time i heard him talk about how crazy he was about her.. how it doesn’t make sense (she was barely 18).. how he’s confused and doesn’t know if things’ll work out but he’s enjoying himself.. about the .. well, just about everything.. even down to her kisses.. (for the record: i’ve actually found hell on earth in this situation.. i spent too much time on the verge of tears with my stomach trying to claw it’s way out of my belly to believe it’s anything other than hell) .. and not once.. until she showed her true colors, did he ever say, "i don’t think this’ll work b/c we don’t make sense.. i think i’ll play it safe and bail.. " or "i shouldn’t date this girl b/c [insert lame ass reasons here]" .. nope.. not one.. as a matter of fact, he was all up in arms about the people who disagreed with the relationship.. how dare they presume to know how things’ll turn out?!

I JUST WANT TO FUCKING SCREAM!

but I- the girl who for five years has been waiting for her chance, who tries to be there for him no matter what, who (by his own proclamation) is the one of the only people in his life whom he trusts- i don’t get the same.

the part of me that i constantly battle, the self depreciating part, wants to cry ‘what’s wrong with me?!’. but i won’t do it. there’s nothing wrong with me, damnit. he will never.. and i know this.. never find someone like me, because there isn’t anyone like me. yeah yeah yeah, i sound prideful, whatever. i know this. i’m an amazing woman. and one day, someone is going to realize it.. and i’m going to finally be able to look at someone else and say ‘joe who?’ (ok prolly not exactly like that.. ) but seriously, someone is going to come along and i’m going to be free of all the heartache of him.. and i’m going to be happy..

i hope.