Things Keep Going

dear spydr…

i talked to wenda again yesterday. it was a really good talk. we mentioned the stuff we’re all mentioning now, and thankfully, kept moving. yesterday was the day i truly believed i had finally passed the “Shock” phase of all this. i mean, babe. we were planning your birthday, for shit’s sake. not like ANY of us had ANY idea this was coming. it felt good to say your name and not burst into tears. admittedly, i’m a little back to that today – okay, a lot. thinking about you makes my ears rumble. (pre tears warning system. i recently found out not everyone has it. random factoid. glad you’re already used to those.) but really, overall, yesterday was a decent day. i didn’t full on cry until i was alone, watching, of all things, Frozen II. (shut it. you know i’d been waiting and waiting. lol!) i’m going to learn “next right thing” i think. it made me well up with tears. this is hard, spydr…but i don’t need to look too far ahead of myself right now. all i have to do is the next right thing. i’m trying. i really am. in this case, the next right thing is my blood thinner. i’ve been faithful, don’t you worry. remember a few months ago when you teased me about that? haha, that you weren’t present to nag me, so you’d do it via messenger? well. welcome back, love. i hear you. don’t even think i don’t. (lucky for me, it makes me smile.)

anyway. i babbled there. i get distracted. lose my train of thought. one thing reminds me of another reminds me of another….and this is how you will live on. sigh.

so, to the whole i spoke to wenda point. you know wenda. she’s going to do her thing, and my only wish is that i could physically be there. i’m sure you’re up there shaking your head at this coronavirus thing, but i am telling you now, hand to God, (ahem, and hand to Goddess, thanks for listening.) it is the ONLY THING keeping me in connecticut right now. i have two weeks’ worth of blood thinners and almost unlimited access to aspirin if needed, damnit, i’ll get on a plane RIGHT NOW looking like something that crawled out from under a bad bleach job (shut it.) and rubbed her hair all over a damned balloon. i’d be there as fast as i could, if i could, spydr. i’d do damned near anything for you. anyway, there i went again. let me just say it already. i made your life celebration poster and wrote your “lyrics” today. she made me honor your in-joke in the lyrics, and i added an obvious spelling mistake she would normally make so that it looks like she wrote it…. i HATED DOING THAT…but i made sure your name was spelled right on the poster. i got you, babe. i’m going to include it in this letter. i think you’d have approved. grudgingly. twisty lipped. i loved your twisty lipped approval look in case you didn’t know. i loved your face, no matter what the expression…but i have my favorites. for the honor pictures, i used her favorite of the two of you, my favorite from last year’s party for Victoria (when Logan came with you! what a great night that was.), my favorite of the two of us, and everyone’s favorite from your birthday masquerade party three years ago. (…speaking of great nights. one of my favorites. i have a lot of favorite nights and memories when it comes to you.) kept the text classy, no clown colors for my Captain Spydr. it helped me. i felt included in the things i am being forced to miss. i felt…connected to you. and to wenda and victoria, and really, everyone who’s missing you right now. which feels, at least to me, like the whole world.

you’d be appalled at the idea that i think the entire world should stop and think of and mourn you properly. but i do. “that’s a lot of fuss for a musty old pirate, babe.” maybe so. but you were an extraordinary musty old pirate, and it would be well deserved.

besides, mister don’t make a big fuss not that many people cared. my ass! so freaking many people cared that even with all this coronavirus bullshit, they’re holding your memorial at THE CORAL SKY FREAKING AMPHITHEATER. I don’t know how to feel about that, considering, but it still disproves your popularity theory. i’ll put that one on the scorecard later.

i wanted to tell you that i have a good support system, babe, i really do. there are people who understand this, and far more than this, kind of hurt that i can talk to. i’m only barely there. this is better for me. as one friend says, we were made to bleed on paper. we always have been. i can’t believe how far away i’ve gotten from that. i’m glad to feel like it’s back, but i’m so sad that a loss this terrible is what drove me to it.

maybe the words needed me to be vulnerable again, to let them in. i don’t know.

i JUST got a message from Robin that she grabbed me a memorial patch. i’m happy they let me have it. i was worried they wouldn’t, because that’s sometimes how it goes. i’m going to sew it to your wicked hat. or maybe to the jacket you gave me, i don’t know yet. either way, i’m keeping you close.

oh, spydr. i feel so much better when i’m writing to you. i don’t want it to end, but i have nothing left to say right now, other than the ten million things i’m not saying. it’s early in the day yet, though. i’m sure i’ll have something for you tonight. the world is ending, don’t you know. it started the day you left me here to do this without you. i hope you’ll come to visit me in my dreams again soon. <3

love you, babe. lolak

–  sugarz

your poster, and our announcement.

i’d give anything to be there, baby. anything.