Oh How Unimaginable!

Was today? Crazy i tell you!!

So i went round Alans’ yesterday. smoked considerably less as he’s given up and i try not to smoke around him.
(i agreed to give up smoking if he gives up drinking. THAT would be immensly difficult for the pair of us!)
as he proposed this agreement, it made me wonder if he was in "this" whatever "this" is, for the long term. thats not something you would say lightly.
but anyway, as he leaned in for a kiss, i of course reacted. afterward he exclaimed how he thought that after the "other night" i wouldnt have wanted to be like that with him anymore…

I certainly see his point, he’s insecure, and thought that after he opened his heart.. i would close mine.
which was not the case.
im neutral right now. not really feeling any "vibe" or "spark"
i closed my heart to him before any of this hit off as i thought all he wanted was some cuddles and kisses, and some company in general. i certainly didnt have any ulterior motive as he did, clearly.

So last night, i just kissed and cuddled him and eventually fell asleep. quite early really.
i didnt let it get to the point where things "heated up" and then nothing happened, as it always usually does.
however this morning.
I LOOKED LIKE THE BACK END OF A HORSE OR SOMETHINGG OUTRAGEOUS! I dont even want to MENTION what i reeked of!
haha
but he was all for the kisses and me lying there, sweaty and smelly, naked, and totally just bang out of order!
so he made me some breakkie, (BACON SARNIE WITH BROWN SAUCE) nomnomnom. MY FAVOURITE 😀 😀 😀
After that however, things did heat up…*SLAPS SELF ON FOREHEADDDD* stupidly.
somethings wrong.
i dont understand.
how can things get to that extent. and NOTHING happen!? 
i hold a couple of theories:-
1) He thinks im not ready to go further;
2) He’s Not ready to go further…

the simplest of questions pondered upon any situation like this i suppose! however, the suspense is far too much. and its actually making me nervous now, if it ever does come about.
i think this means theres more emotionaly intimacy involved by this point…
not sure wheather that may be a good. or bad thing!

SO
once again NOWT happened. *sigh*
arrgh we shall have to see what light he has to shed on this matter in the near future! XD

i picked out some more Milan Kundera books from his. which i forgot to bring home. DAMMIT. i was looking forward to those 🙁
i also glanced in the mirror before my shower at what he had written on my back previously and refused to tell me what..
his initials..love heart…my initials
Made me smile 🙂
nothing compared to what i wrote on his….
a mere;
His initials… is coool (surrounded by smiley faces, stars and hearts…
why am i so small minded?!!! haha

when i got home, i had but two hours to prepare to meet MY MUSICIAN LOVERRR! the plan was to venture to his recording studio, where a small *pub band* as i call them where rehearsing there.
it was amazing, sound proof (or so we thought) with mixing boards and instruments everywhere! i loved it.
however, after playing around with some mixers, we decided to watch "the incredibles" with the volume up loud!!!
as the band behind the screen somehow managed to protrude through the "sound proofed" walls.
pah.
they left…
at that point he returned and said "have you ever made love in a studio?"
need i say more?

even better, afterwards he was still cuddling me and talking, and hes actually a fabulous listener.
i whacked out some tunes on the drums (H) and watched on as he showed me his stuff 😛 
as we left, i once more had to HIDE from the security as i wasnt really supposed to be there.
the studio is in an old airfeild and so security is TIGHT.
oh the thrillsssss!! 

im hoping he doesnt see this lustrous relationship becoming serious as i dont really need that right now. i still need to decide wheather me and Alan should become exclusive!!! MEH!!
what is going on in the world!? 

I have work tomorrow.
where i shall have to pin on a smile til i finish with aching cheeks, and find something amusing to fill my head whilst bleeping meaningless food items through my till.
oh how i HATE sitting on checkout.
HATE having to pretend to know each and every customer and "have a laugh" just to make the time fly.
BUT it was payday 27 minutes ago. so i can have a fatty lunch. and pile on some pounds sitting my fat arse on a chair. for seven hours.
joy!

I think i could fancy myself a musicians girlfriend. touring around. hot times in studios, listening to more music than i  can maybe handle?
or is that a life i would enjoy? 
is it ME thats got an ulterior motive to this supposedly lustrous relationship? 
and how long can or should this go on for…
in the mean time.. i am certainly not complaining 😉

However, times like these, consider me being a "slut"
im not "playing" anyone, and as far as im aware, everyone involved knows the score? 
AND im considering relationship mode with Alan, we shall see.
i wanna get some sleep tonight.
as ive mentioned before, i think im losing the ability to sleep alone. i had to stay round an Ex’s the other night…

because i felt i HAD to, im sure of it. i did have to, i even got a taxi there at four in the morning just so i could share a bed with him.
I think i need to get my act together and look to the future…
which is what i was doing today.
i spoke to the college on wednesday in which they told me my interveiw details are in the post, all i need to do now is find an employer (somewhere in the health and care public services section)
i was seriously considering a Childrens Hospice, i dont know why. i have considered it before, and now its come to mind again.

i know how difficult that career will be, not just physically, but moreso emotionally, not sure if i am strong enough.
but i definitley want to go into paeds. ALSO. Definitley is the most commonly mis-spelled word in the english dictionary.
and finding that out. helped me remember how to spell it correctly, and if not. then it proves that statement true.

SO ive given ya the update.
even though i have lots more to write about, i dont feel the absolute need to just yet, so watch this space 😉