Guess whaaat!!!

So ive concluded on my walk home from work that my RAPID mood swings are due to… *DRUM ROLL PLEASE!!*
MRS PERIODDDDDDD!!!
I’m pleased with this 🙂 🙂
i’m not going slightly off the rails 😉

BUT yes.
quick update after lastnights emotional rant 🙁
i eventually dropped off to sunlight and the birds singing at around… 4:45? give or take.
thanks to MOTHER. grr. 

I was abruptly awokened by father as i left a note on the kitchen table kindly ordering he "wake me up at 11:30 I HAVE WORK! I HAVE TO GET UP! PLEASE MAKE SURE I ACTUALLY GET OUT OF THE BED!"
my minds trained itself to answer people who wake me for work to say "I Dont Have Work Today"
may sound amusing. but really isnt when i turn up late!!!!! haha

However this morning, i woke up and said "yeah ok ill  be up in a sec," My head hit the pillow again, then i had a thought…
"Is My sister home?"
I rang her around 3:30 am, well i rang "Toms" phone, he was at the house party with her last night, and she was with a guy,
she is 18 and he is 35, age is not the issue here, her vulnerability and non-street wise approach to life is. 
i have met this guy, and he has a habit of trying to get with younger girls, not young young, young women. 

so this had alarm bells ringing, she got annoyed that i was ringing her up telliing her to make sure if she walked she was with someone, and she can get a taxi and we will pay if she cant afford it. im a little over protective of her. 
even though she is my older sister,…(by 11months)
 

She was not home. 
she never stays out longer than 8am the LATEST. 
it was half twelve in the afternoon, i had rang EVERONE who attended the party. noone knew where she was. 
an hour later i was late for work. 
after two hours of ringing people. trying to find this mans address. we decide to phone the police as we were at a dead end. 
there was no more i could do.
Father was drinking, and mother was still drunk from last night…. i thought it best if i went off to work. theyre aware of this situation and so im allowed my mobile on the shopfloor.

By this time i am raving mad. 
im tired, 
ratty, 
PISSED OFF that she is so selfish to not bother letting us know anything
and sick to the stomach with worry.

im also annoyed that whilst we were on the phone to the police, mother said something that hurt a little…
"ooooh i cant go into town to get money out for tonight now…*SHOUTING* I WANTED TO GO OUT TONIGHHHHT"
in my opinion. that is disgusting, we do not know where her daughter is, and shes more concerned about not being able to go out. 

so i was going to work very angry and upset. i want to talk to nobody, i want to punch customers, i pretty much dont want to be around anyone. 
i explain the situation to my manager, on the shop floor, with collegues in hearing range… FFS! 
and she flushes red, her eyes go all watery and she looks away, she turns back to say "Oh no your going to make me cry now, i feel so sorry for you, you put up with so much."
STRIKE TWO!
i refuse to tell people pretty much anything if im annoyed about something because almost always, its because of something at home.
and they will feel sorry for me or my family.
NOPE. i do not want that.

i dont want to hear sympathetic comfortings. they dont particularly help to be totally honest.
they rub it in that im different and people feel sorry (in my case look down on) for me.
eventually after numerous calls today at work. i received one claiming she was fine and on her way home,
 

but mothers gone into town…
(which means she will be drunk when she gets back)
so one weight is lifted, i feel releived, and a little more able to bear these people pottering around with overloaded trolleys.
Alan has noticed that im looking like a zombie (when i think about things deeply, i catch myself staring at an object for an abnormal amount of time.)
im not my smiley self, and im restricting conversation to work only subjects.
one of the guys that slightly overheard my conversation with my manager tries to have a jab at me about being 2 hours late…
"So, you rolling in at half three. whats that all about" in front of Alan and another collegue…i reply a mere "Oh i dont know, i just fancied starting at half three instead" i turn and continue emptying smelly cheese from a box to a shelf.
His face glowed with dissatisfaction at my immediate and confident response. Alan then proceeded to tell them to go and do some work.
i didnt tell Alan what was wrong, but he mentioned a couple of times about meeting him after work.
i havent met him yet, im gunna meet him at the train bridge soon, where ill lie there and try and force the question from my lips of
"WHAT IS GOING ON WITH US?! WHAT ARE WE DOINNGG?"

anyhow, the clock was slowly ticking toward six o clock, when he finishes and he offers to help me put out milk, we have a laugh and my mood lifts, im more smiley, humerous, sarcastic and approachable.
a new team leader from checkouts attempts to befriend me…
she seems a little…two faced if you ask me so im weary. however i was having a bitch about her ten minutes before. and i think she overheard and thought it best to keep her enemies closer?
who knows,
i walked home listening to Joy Division, protected from the rain with a MASSIVE umbrella belonging to my dad, i SWEAR you can fit our family of six beneath it.
a real nice collegue collecting trolleys at the time whistled for my attention on my way out of the car park to show his interest in the umbrella, i start waving it around in the air and laugh, a catch him laughing aswell and briskly walk away feeling lighter than before, i feel the umbrella will pick me up and take me away to the fields i catch a glimpse of, as im crossing the bridge on the way home.

when i arrive home, im greeted with the news of no dinner tonight, so i praise myself for purchasing that Ginsters for a quid!
father later proceeds to ordering a pizza, so i tuck the ginsters away in the fridge for another rainy day.
im also told im not going out tonight as my mother father and sister are. leaving the little ones with noone to watch them but ME.
great. another saturday night in…
this is tiring me.

Im still keeping the arrangement with Alan, If i cant meet him early, he shall have to settle with late, he has no work tomorrow 😉
Ive jammed some tunes on Guitar Hero, i now have cramps in my arm. and hands 🙁
Making typing a difficult chore!
I found myself, as i was walking to work, praying that i would see and get to converse  with Alan today, i miss him.
and today he was in a fabulously goodmood. and he gave me strength, and the ability to see the sunshine behind the clouds.
i havent felt that low and pessimistic in a long time.
I dont want to feel it again.
Its not attractive to go around with a sour face. its not approachable, and its not interesting to moan about your life and how you dont want to be where your at.
your there. get on with it. do what you can to make it BEARABLE.
it is afterall the only way forward.

I think i am going to see what we can do about my emotions with the doctor.
I think i am going to have to have conversation with my father about how to get my sick mother some well needed treatment.
I think i am going to have to ask this lovely, tattooed, Hazel eyed Alan, whether this is worth putting my heart on the line.
or maybe i can answer that one for myself…

I AM ALSO GOING TO REMOVE THOSE "I THINKS" AND THEN FOLLOW THOSE OBJECTIVES.