Young Carer

Lonliness in my opinion is the worst thing in the world.
not materialistically being lonely, but FEELING alone. I have many people around me, all the time. Day in, Day out. Each evening i go to bed…
I still have that lonliness inside me.

Afraid
Sad
Upset
Lonely
Hurt
Disappointed

This is me right now.
I’m lonely because nobody knows, nobody is aware of what i have to experience, sorry, correction.
I dont HAVE to experience anything, i’m an autonomous, independant human being. But Im bound to HAVING to experience this because i CARE.
i could get up tomorrow and leave.
leave all this behind.
but i CANT because i care too much about my family, i care that if im not around, it will fall apart.

My younger brother and sister wont have another immature mare to run around screaming with.
My mother wont have me to put her to bed when shes Drunk, she wont have someone to reassure her that shes at home when shes having hallucinations.

I CARE MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD ABOUT MY FAMILY.
there, i said it.
maybe not TO them.
i guess i just hope they’d get that impression by what i do for them.

it goes unnoticed. by everyone.
Mother just says "Oh itsss*ssluurrr*  oookaayy SHE’LL bringgg meeh too bed wooont ya!"
OOOH F**K OFFFF!!!!!!

why should iiiiiiiiiii???
why cant my older sister do it??!?
oh wait, shes out with her "friends" getting wasted enjoying herself!!!

I couldnt even sit down to watch greys anatomy tonight because i had to keep answering mothers hollass!!
and while im caring for everyone….
WHO CARES FOR ME?!
i used to go to a little youth club sort of thing called "young carers" because my mother has an illness and i care for her
because my dad, my little sister, and little brother also have a disability involving their height and mobility to an extent.
it was good, we had fun, we left it all behind for a couple of hours a week, to meet other kids who care for their parents or siblings.
i made loads of friends, and if we arrived in a bad mood, we’d rant about it. then play a game of pool. or maybe we’d fancy some baking? 
it helped.
i stopped going because the leaders got made redundant and were replaced with stupid council workers.
it sucked.
didnt matter anyway, when i got home the screaming and shouting i heard from outside the house was just the stark reminder that it wasnt going away any time soon.

I dont tell "Tom" (previous entry) I dont tell "Alan"
ALL I WANT TO DO, IS FIND SOMEONE, MEET UP WITH THEM. AND CRY, CRY CRY CRY CRY CRY CRY.
AND FOR THEM TO TELL ME EVERYTHING WILL BE JUST FINE.
I want to cry on someones shoulder for once.
i dont want to be rid of these burdens because it just wouldnt be the same, i just need some support.

I need someone to hold ME up, and pick ME up when im down, because before long, ill be a mess.
holding back the tears before work, keeping silent.
its suffering,
and NOONE deserves to suffer.

this is a stupid pitiful rant because im waiting for mother to SHUTUP and go to sleeep/.

she wont remember any of this in the morning.
at breakfast
when shes drinking her cider rather than coffee/tea
while we’re eating breakfast she’ll  be shouting.
id rather stay in bed and wait for her to go back to bed because SHES TIRED!!!!!!!!!
SHES TIRED
im up at 4am.
and tomorrow she’ll have no idea what happened tonight.

only the sly videos i made.
i tried that one before
"Oh right, yeah, ive seen it, I DONT WANT TO SEE IT"
F***ING DENIAL OR WHAT!
it makes me soo soo angry
she acts like she doesnt care!!!!
BUT THATS NOT FAIIIR!!!! WHY CANT I NOT CARE THEN!
WHATS STOPPING ME FROM DROWNING MY SORROWS IN SOME WHISKEY?

the fact that ive seen her deteriorate over the years thats what.
ive seen her wedding pictures. a size 8 beautiful skin, gorgeous hair, and a smile that could light up the world.

the memories i recall now are ones where shes slumped at the bottom of the stairs, unable to move shes so intoxicated.
her swollen abdomen from liver damage.
her hunched back from where she fell through our ceiling DRUNK and broke her back
her lob sided smile from her inability to control her facial movements.

I WILL NOT TURN TO ALCOHOL. ive made that pact since i was young, yeah ill go out and get messy occasionally,
i will never ever, touch cider, i will never ever even think about drinking before 5 in the evening
i will never ever turn to the bottle when im feeling down.

and at the end of the day, everyday
there is nothing anyone can do
for me, my family, or her.
and that. My fellow OD users, is what makes me feel so alone.
i have noone to hold me or my siblings/dad up
i have noone to reassure me everything will be fine
i have many many people looking on (our neighbours) sniggering, feeling sorry? but sitting back and doing NOTHING
I HAVE to sit back, and watch my mother die.
thats got to be the worst feeling in the world for me.

ive lost hope and faith…
what have i got left?

i have work tomorrow.
its 4am
i dont even want to go. i dont want to stack shelves and argue with customers who dont know where stuff is.
i want to punch them in the face. for even acknowledging my presence.
how dare they. they dont know me. nothing about me.
come to think about it.
nobody does.
not even my best friend. my lover, my parents.
i truly am alone in this world…
sometimes i wish i would get run over or trip and break my leg so i dont have to go to work. so i can just be a recluse for a while.
i hate not being around people or doing something though….
which puts me in the position of gaining a fine skill of pretence.
i can hide how depressed i am so easily
by simply convincing myself im fine, i AM fine. until im reminded that im actually not, is when the scalpel cuts deep. and i bleeeed.

i want to talk to someone sooo bad.
i need a counselllooorrrrrr
NOW.
okay, its a little late,
ill think about that one on Monday.
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