ALCOHOL… and the effects

Well,

Ive just spent five minutes trying to change the text font and colour..

clearly not happening. grr. so this is temporarily in "scrap" from.. apologies.

Anyway, i guess im going to start here, 17 Year old girl, Happy-go-lucky, Big Dreams, Big Imagination, Big Heart.

unfortunatly.. living with great burden, for a particular of my age anyway, Great burden. im not quite sure if i should even go into detail, however, this is anonymous, although, the issue is more of whether people want to read about it?

paragraph above just helped me decide the reason i made "this" on open diary was to rant about stuff so, Yes i will go into detail, with name changes highly likely.

So from a young age i have been brought up by alcoholic parents. from a young age, i have taken care of my parents. well parent, my mother, she is what i would class as a severe case of alcoholism. my father, he is a very generous loving man with battles of his own, he took care of us and my mother, He is my rock, my idol, and to this day i am the image of him.

However, he too was struck down by this crippling illness of alcoholism, from a young age he too was a drinker. i have two sisters and one brother. we have our quarrells, but we are VERY close, we all are,

we’ve all had to share the burden of carrying mother up to bed, ordering the youngest ones "Bring her bottle of cider and her cup up" "put on the oven and shove in a pizza" "is your homework done, how about your uniforms? did she get them done before she went out?"

Were accustomed to it now, its life, we’ve known no different, we only have to look at our friends parents to know its not normal, and we know. Father got made redundant recently, due to the current economic climate, it was inevitable i knew instantly it was the beginning of a loong struggle, he got a very decent pay out so financially we’re grand, however the issue is his extreme vulnerability to climbing into a bottle. and leaving me, moreso, to pick up the peices, im worried about their health. Extremely worried.

"this" is not my life though, i commit alot of my time to ensuring the house is reasonably clean, to ensure i talk with my siblings, gossip and i take them out with the digital camera and we have FUN! i love it. i really do. however, i have my own friends, i have a job, and i have "love interests" alot of this is affected by "home life" and it sure is hard. My ability to be, what i call, cold.
is what gets me through each and every day and still go to bed with a smile. POSITIVITY, when the police arrive, or the ambulance knock on the door. i stand up tall and deal with the situation at hand, head on. then afterwards breathe a sigh of releif that everything is ok. 

recently though, (this public diary is part of my self help progress) me being cold, forgetting what happened "last night", has built up. far too much, i have two journals in my drawer upstairs that i write in when i "feel the need" to write. then i close it, wipe my face, then return to the happy go lucky person each and everyone i meet, knows me as. its my BIGGEST secret.my emotions, and i know many people dont go around blabbing about their depressing life as it is horrifyingly negative, and people will not want to be around them. so i make a point of keeping it to myself. all the time. i tell noone.

which is why this issue came to a head, when i went off into town, got into a club under age 😐 😐 😐

and ended up fighting….FIGHTING with my BEST FRIEND. she is my rock, my life, my everything. and i hit out at her. i do not know why. all i know is i hurt her. i hurt her emotionally, maybe not physically but even so!! it was awful waking up to that horrifying memory, and i came to the conclusion that it was because around that time i was struggling with my emotions, i was upset, angry at everyone. the world. but kept it to myself, so when i had FAR too much to drink…(poisen) i took it all out on someone close to me… i now want to get counselling, sort my emotions out. aaarrrrgggggh

right now mother is screaming my name from MY bed in which i thought was most suitable for her for tonight. brother and sister have school tomorrow. how unfair is that?! sometimes i think she never wanted to have children. but she ended up stuck with FOUR of them.

we love her VERY much. there is nothing we can do to help her. she doesnt want to help herself. "God Helps Those Who Help Themselves" i beleive very much in that statement. she is not willing to help herself. she is destroying herself. she doesnt eat. she drinks cider from the moment she wakes up til the moment she goes to sleep. she sleeps with the bottle next to her. and her cup half full of the poisenous fluid. as a family, were slowly breaking down, our souls cannot bear such a burden, we’re losing hope. all we have to look forward to is quite possibly sitting next to her hospital bed once her liver screams "I CANT TAKE ANYMORE!" which i KNOW will be very very soooon. it hurtts, sooo much, the pain, is AWFUL, excruciating, i cant even begin to imagine what it will be like in a year or so time. yes. that soon. shes 48.

ive just reapplied at college after TWO failed attempts, i couldnt motivate myself to stay there at all. this time its an apprenticeship in the health and care sector. i will be able to earn money AND learn,. a dream come true! i want to be a nurse, a paediatric nurse to be precise. its my calling. from a young age i was cutting open teddies and prodding them with tools from my fathers "electronic engineer" toolbox. jabbing them with needles to make them better, but then from a young age i was stripping my mother of her urine sodden overalls, and helping her clamber into bed, i was nursing her wounds from which she received by falling out of bed, falling down the stairs, scalding herself. the day after my 17th she fell through our bathroom floor (it was being renovated) and broke her back. it was a lumbar fracture. she discharged herself early as she needed to get back on the booze, and she now has a hunched back. even more demoralising her, she doesnt care about how she looks, shes let herself go and her self esteem is at an all time low.  we try helping her by complimenting her and having her hair done, doing her makeup and nails before a night out. but the next day.

shes left an emotional mess with the secret regret of what shes done last night. she rarely says sorry for keeping us awake until the small hours with her hallucinations, her screaming our names as if shes being attacked by a wild animal, for making us worry that she might not wake up. for everything we do for her, i dont recall any recent thank you’s anyway.

as i said, i am a happy go lucky person. i have time for EVERYONE, i will listen to their woes, and respond caringly with any advice i have to offer. i like to have fun. i LOVE laughing, and i love spending time with my family, rare moments VERY rare moments when mother is sober…

other than that me, my brother and my younger sister will sit in the kitchen and goss about who said what at school and whos doing better in English or Maths. my older sister,shes eleven months older and is 18, she drinks, copiously for her age in my opinion, she has and does distances herself alot from the family, i think she tries to assume another identity at times, shes nearly fully changed her name, she dyes her hair constantly, she tries to be different and says she "does not want to conform to societys needs" i do wonder about her sometimes, but she has has a difficult past herself personally, and i think she will hit the bottle and become an alcoholic herself, were all hereditarily predisposed to becoming alcoholics as both our parents, (moreso my mother) are, and their parents were too. that i think is one of the reasons i am disgusted when i see people drinking in the early hours of the day, im put off.

in other news, i have a love interest, well, im not sure if it even is a love interest, but it relates to this in a way, hes 23, i met him at work, hes got tattoos 😛 and hes funny and smart, very intelligent, he reads, and writes, and listens to HUNDREDS of artists, and has introduced me to some fantastic, real music. hes on my wavelength in many things. it all started with a drunken kiss at a work do. then we met up alot afterwards, and hung out, listened to music, talked. about anything and everything, we kiss alot, and lie naked next to one another. but thats it. no intimacy, which confuses me, we meet all the time and kiss and cuddle, and kiss more when its time to leave, but nobody has declared what it is. are we seeing eachother? are we an item? 

people at work have their suspicions, and ask us seperatly, and we both say no!! haha and we mention it awkwardly to one another then briskly change the subject, i am highly confused, and do not know wheather its worth chasing. any comments on this one appreciated.

as i said it was related to this subject, as he drinks, alot, everyday almost, to chill, and drinks more when he’s stressed, i dont mention it and i dont put it down as i have no place to do so.

but it did open my eyes as to how easy it is to become hooked on alcohol. it contains zero addictive products, like caffiene or nictotine, but it does give you a feeling which can be addictive, you feel confident, like you can take on the world (hence fights) you feel happy and chilled, however, it is a depressent, so the more you turn to it to heal your "stressedness, or depressiveness" the more stressed and depressed you will become, but by then your hooked, and become more and more depressed, turning again to the bottle. its a vicous cycle, and so so easy to get into. but VERY hard to break free. in fact once you are an alcoholic, and if you "break free" you will always be declared a "recovering alcoholic" and will never be allowed to touch another alcoholic beverage again.

i beleive positivity attracts more positive things to come your way, its like praise, when you praise someone for good work, they will feel elated and pleased with themselves and want more, so they strive their actions towards gaining more praise and so forth. i am a positive person and can see the silver lining behind the darkest clouds, i can predict more clouds of doubt heading my way but beleive that everything happens for a reason. everything, me and my family will come out of this long, burdenous storm, holding hands and smiling, ready to take on anything else that tackles us in our lives. head on. 

i began writing this so late as i would not be able to sleep until my mother has drifted off to "drunken dream land" i have a driving lesson tomorrow morning, and am wasting stupid amounts of money trying to get it right. only because im tired, and have other things on my mind i think it will end up being a "college moment" where im not in the right mindset to learn right now so try again later. which i cannot do. as ive gone through nearly….£300 trying to learn already. and thats not my own money. thats my fathers, :/ 

 its madness i tell you!! however, tomorrow i am also meeting my best friend for the first time since our drunken brawl. im nervous and scared that she will demand to know everything in my mind immediatly!! aah i love her 🙂

my characters are depleting rapidly, but i dont want to stop. its like that feeling you get when your upset, and once you start crying, it feels like it will never stop. ha! oh dear, this is all looking a tad depressing, may i remind you reader that i am not a depressing person! and i have told noone! (other than my aunty) any of this. any of it! and also. punctuation. and grammer. went out the window a long time ago. so apologies for that, im aware some people (sometimes me) find it frustrating reading something with awful punctuation and grammer!!

anyway, she has quietened down, and i am very tired 🙁 im going to curl up in bed and attempt to read some more of milan kundera’s book. the book my newest love interest gave me to read the night before my departure to the land of Eire to visit relatives 🙂

*sigh of relief* im extraordinarily grateful for finding this site. in fact, for this site, i hope people will read this and, i dont know, maybe find some inspiration? or feel the need to offer advice? it will always be appreciated!! 

goodnight, and Godbless, for now 🙂 🙂 🙂

x x x