June 1, 2004

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& everyone is falling in love at least for tonight

I honestly miss writing in here. I go and I read all my favorites, and I itch to write something. I’ve started a million entries, because I need advice. But the way I word it sounds horrible. The things I say sound conceited. In one version, I said something about being pretty (then erased it so no one would ever know).

Instead, I will talk about my weekend because there is a lot of shit going wrong and I should write something happy foronce. And I’m bound up with something like guilt (but not because I’ve done anything wrong) and loneliness (even though there’s always people around) and this weird feeling that I’m just wrong for all this.

(I promised myself I wouldn’t get too into my feelings this time. Facts, straight facts for now.)

I actually had a fun weekend. My sister was up, Heather went home (I love the girl to death, but she talks so much that I feel like her mute sidekick), and the boys didn’t do anything too… boy… for me.

On Friday night I went out with my sister Jen and my friend Sachin and some of his friends. The nice thing about getting drunk is that everyone is your friend, or so it goes with me. The not so nice thing is that people at bars are shady. Some guy accosted me and offered me his beer because he wouldn’t be able to finish it. I pretended to take a sip (not actually swallowing though, beccause I was drunk, not stupid) and then stood there and tried to be nice as he offered to sell me some pot. Sacin finally (“oh, I thought you were having fun”) sent someone over to pretend to be my boyfriend, and I hung off him as I went to close my tab.

Saturday was slow in the morning. I had to do the walk of shame to the bus (it wasn’t a true walk of shame though, thank God I don’t dress like a skank to go to the bars) and got home and read until the boys invited me to go barbeque.

Did I ever mention how much I like being the sole girl in a group of boys? They shower you with attention (even if the attention in this case was a hot dog in my ear and a hamburger roll in my purse) because they can’t do much more than fart on each other before they feel their sexuality will be questioned. And with a barbeque, the boys ALWAYS cook.

That night we hung out and (what else?) drank and they decided they wanted to make some girls cry. And they wanted me to hit on the girls as well. None of the girls were my type, however, (inasmuch as I have a type with girls), and I earned the dubious honor of being named the Worst Lesbian Ever. Which works. I guess. The girls were rather annoying, though, so we all kind of left with excuses of getting more beer and grabbing a new movie to watch (promising to bring it back for everyone). And we locked ourselves in another apartment and ignored their knocks on the door and their phone calls.

(And I smashed myself between Joey and him and they tickled me and cuddled with me. And I’ve been craving that. So +8965874654 for my friends, because they know how to make me feel better.)

Sunday was… I don’t know? I saw Shrek 2 and Mean Girls, enjoying the former very much (dare I say better than the first?) and being oddly disturbed by the latter. (If I ever find the time, I will post what I wrote that night after everyone had gone home and I was sad and lonely and freaking out about the movie.)

Monday I layed around and read my book. And coming back to work on Tuesday was so bloody hard because I can’t fall asleep before fourinthemorning and I can’t sleep in when I have to catch the bus to work at 7:20.

I reread this entry, and it doesn’t really sound like me at all. Yes, all of these were fun, but I know that there were times when I just wanted to go and hide in my room for no reason at all. But I think I concentrate on the bad things too much. Thus happy entries.

And I need advice on this crush thing (no one seems to understand that I’m only doing this for fun), but that’s something I’ll deal with at a later time. Because it’s not like anything will happen anyway.

DUDE…. whats with all the highlighted words???

autumn's monologue.

June 2, 2004

i am the same when it comes to being the sole girl hanging with a group of guys.its always so much more fun and not bitchy, unlike being girls.i can’t wait to see shrek 2. if it’s better than the first then i’m gonna be gabbing about it for days.i loved the first and still find myself raving about it! lol!much love,

ps;i too have the need for happy entries…you probably already know, but i have an awful tendency to concentrate on the bad stuff too…in fact, i have an entry about this already half-written in the offing… lol! love,

eucatastrophe.

i love being the only girl in a group, too.isn’t it fun?

dude i so cant believe i never saw that one coming lol… that was funny. smile or your face will fall off !

ryn// aww you should come to my diary more often. I’ll go to yours! I really like how you write.:)the good thing about getting drunk is that everyone is your friend. well, that happens to me anyway.note me back.xo

Eddie Shaw

Doesn’t sound like you, but it’s good to see that side of you! I knew you could let your hair down!

El Mauricio

sounded fun, not unlike my weekendI read things in this entrythat I hadn’t realized about youI love it when I read something informativeespecially about my friendsthank you for your noteI’m glad you liked that pieceit feels unfinished but I guess it’s finelove you too =0D

A.ll o.ut of l.ove

i think that when I’M drunk…im everyones friend. I dont think everyone is MY friend. But of course im not nice to the people i really dont like. if anything, im so much more mean. I heard a saying somewhere.. “if you did all the things you said when you were drunk..SOBER.. you’ll learn to keep your mouth shut” personally, i dont think its true. id be fearless if i could do that!

i am intrigued to find about this crush-thing that you need advice on… im all ears! though we both know im not the best at advice ryn: SLEMILY sounds just splendid.when do we start?

just.words

ryn// i guess you’re right.but there’s always an exception to the rule.always.i’m just looking for him.and I have to say that straight facts is the way to go.it’s so much easier.and less biased, too.xox,

((brilliant))

I love being the only girl in a group of guys too. Girls are just so… petty all the time, and sometimes you just wanna be able to have fun without all the competition. 🙂

perfect//ensemble

having crushes for fun are what i like best. theres a boy i adore and hes always running through my mind but i dont want anything to come of it because i like the way things are just like this. (i hope i make sense because this is how i empathize.) and it is fun being the only chick around guys because guys are nicer than chicks are because they don’t menstruate and become bitches. 🙂

This should be a place where you are allowed to sound dumb, concieted, and free.Don’t worry dear. We don’t all judge.xx

bleeding stars.

June 3, 2004

this is YOUR diaryYOU write whatever you want, hunit doesnt matter what other ppl thinkxx

Eternal Supernova

“Yes, all of these were fun, but I know that there were times when I just wanted to go and hide in my room for no reason at all. But I think I concentrate on the bad things too much. Thus happy entries.” Exactly! I look back at times and remember the fun…even if I pretty much had an awful time at points when it was actually happening. It’s also like how I deal with crushes…enjoy the…

…feelings but sometimes I even go so far as to fall out of crushing but still hang on because the guy doesn’t matter, just the feeling of having a crush is too important when there’s no one to seriously consider. If that makes any sense. You said a while back that you always thought your notes were egocentric sounding…I worry the same thing…but then again, it’s more like just talking…

…/shared thoughts and feelings…like there’s someone out there and I want to prove that I understand. *hug* *smile*

Oh, and when I’m drunk…I’m still reserved as hell…but I’m more comfortable with other people being around me/touching me than I ever am normally. It’s actually kinda nice. And I always seriously consider jumping anyone who will massage my scalp…or any guy I like, even though I won’t make the first move. Guess I shouldn’t tell the guys I’m easy when I’m drunk…though I won’t even kiss…

…anyone during a drinking game…but that’s because I don’t want to explain why I’ll kiss one but not another and I really don’t want my first kiss to come from any kind of game (though when I’m drunk is pretty much okay, I think). Okay, now I’m done. *sheepish smile* Sorry if I did too much information…

x//Guilty.by.design.

who cares if what you write is conceited. when you write it should be for you fxck everyone else, i think you write beautifully.

Phade

June 5, 2004

i liked mean girls. i thought it was hilarious. lets go to the bar and get drunk. i always wondered, where are you anyway? in terms of the United States. :p