so why don’t you climb down off that movie screen?
………………..
It’s the last week of classes, and I’ve realized that my motivation to do
anything (including schoolwork, social things, working out, and finding a job
for the summer) is very close to zero. This is bad, considering the fact that
it’s the last week of classes, my grades are just all right, there are
classes I haven’t been to in a long, long time, there are finals that I can’t
hope to ever finish studying for. Not to mention that I have no idea what I’m
doing this summer- not where I’m living, not where I’m working.
Dammit.
I was thinking, the other day, about high school. I was reading the diaries of
high school students (which is all I ever seem to read, most likely because I
have the mentality of a junior in high school not an almost-senior in college),
and they are all so… cool.
My whole thing in high school was to blend in with everyone around me.
So I wore the Abercrombie and listened to Top 40 music and never actually said
what I thought. I craved that inner circle, those popular girls with their
perfect hair and clothes and who sucked at everything but people loved them
anyway.
Looking back, I would have hated me then. Not for the type of person I was, but
because I was covering up everything that made me me. And I probably
seemed like those girls- vapid, unintelligent, unoriginal, only without the
whole popular thing.
So I went to college and actually learned to control the orange masses of
curls. And I said fuck Abercrombie, because who the hell can afford to pay $50
for a piece of fabric that barely covers her ass? And I found good
music that I liked and that was different and that would always become popular
a year after I discovered it, loved it, and grew tired of it. And I talked a
lot more, and I kissed lots of boys and I went through that whole thing
everyone else I knew went through in high school.
But I’m over that now. I like to think I’ve mellowed. My life is less dramatic
than my freshman and sophomore years, but fuck it. Who needs that kind
of stress?
The thing that got me reflecting was my sorority. (insert my usual disclaimer
about it’s-an-engineering-sorority-which-makes-it-not-a-real-sorority) There
is a group of girls who are like the popular people. I know that most
of them were nerd-ish in high school, but they grew up and got “cool”
and drank beer and kissed boys.
They remind me a lot of the high school girls. Their conversations are the ones
I heard in high school, as I sat on the fringe of the cooler groups. They talk
about John Mayer is my boyfriend and all wear sparkly shirts to parties
so boys will comment on it. And while they actually are smart, they are just
as unoriginal as the girls in high school.
Honestly, this was the group I wanted to be in at the beginning of the year. To
be with the cool girls. To have them think that I’m cool.
The weirdest thing is that they do. And I don’t wear sparkly shirts and I don’t
like John Mayer and, quite frankly, I don’t even like them. But they think I’m
cool and they come up to me and invite me to lunch and to parties and
download music just because I say I like it.
The only thing I wish is that I’d been popular earlier. Because then I would
have known that it’s not what I like and it’s not what I wanted and I like to
spend time watching movies instead of getting drunk. (And also? Being
legal makes drinking more fun but much more expensive. Stay young
forever. Trust me on this.) So as nice as it is to be invited everywhere and
to come home to thirty IMs, I think I’d like to be a loner a little while
longer.
Because popularity? So not me.
Okay, so that whole thing sucks and is grammatically and punctuationally
incorrect. And also? Don’t tell me its good because I like to hate myself. I
pretend it’s part of my charm. And also, it sucks and it’s very contrived and
stupid.
Do you see what I have to put up with?
“This really is rocket science to you guys, isn’t it?”
– Mark Maughmer, Professional Hippie and Professor of Aerospace Engineering
Love you.
I sure as hell can’t afford to pay 50 bucks to pay something that definately doesn’t cover my arse. Hehe..why try? 🙂 It’s good to read this..you always make me laugh. Hope you’re doing well xoxoxox Jessie
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i’m surprised to find i could actually relate to most of that.popularity just isn’t what its all cracked up to be.i hated the feeling that to keep such a status, i needed to impress everyone and keep everyone happy.it just wasn’t worth it when my own happiness gets sacrificed as a result.
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ryn; yes, sorry if i confused you =)i hope you continue to note me and visit my new diary.love, . x .
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Wow…You are on a roll! KEEP WRITING! You have just inspired me to blatantly steal this entry and write one just like it. Thanks!
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ryn, it’s the art of the timespain is people’s favorite subject right nowthat’s why those sort of things are goodlike impressionism in Europe, and the Baroque of the mid-agesstandard colors, standard text, different way of saying itthat’s what makes it good [or bad]I liked this entry toomakes me think of my situation except it seems exactly backwards (cont’d)
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never popular in h.s. (well known but not popular)crave the popularity but love the individualitynow I’m a sophomore oldhead thinking about joining a social frat(I joined a business frat this semester, got pledge of the semester)and won’t be graduating until I’m 26 at the latestIn other news, I actually love your orange curlsredheads are my favorite (cont’d)
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your engineering soro sounds coolwe’d never have that at my college, the soros are only socialplus they’re the really preppy poppy chicsok, I’m done talking I guessI still love your beautiful green on your front pageI had almost forgotten how much until I stumbled back across it(usually go straight to the entry from favorites page)I’ll be reading, stay cool
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i hate popularity and the whole concept of it. take care, i’ve missed you xoxoxo.<3 caitlyn
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i think your cool. im serious. I just might be a tad bit intimidated by your coolness status if i saw you in my every day life. (no sarcasm there.) There is this girl.. Pam. (now known as Pamela. but i called her Pam when i still knew her as a tiny little middle schooler who has SOMEHOW grown up before my eyes) shes hilarious. She wears those clothes that the popular group wouldnt approve of.
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she always has these interesting books to read, and a story to share for everyone. Shes not athledic. She doesnt wear a whole lot of make up, but some here and there. but shes simply beautiful. Her personality will brighten up my day when she comes over to recite an inside joke, and we both laugh. anyhow, point being.. she reminds me a ton of you. *GASP* maybe you and her are the same person?!
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*thinks* no, but that would be quite funny. So this girl is about 2 1/2 years younger than me… yet i admire her more than anyone else. because she is REAL. like you. shes done the whole “ill try to be popular” deal, and be fake. but gave up and decided herself is the best way to go in the long run. like you. she never lost sight of herself. like you. You are admired by me, greatly. i just wanted
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you to know. I want to be the kind of person you are… and for the record, i do not shop at Abercrombie, but 3/4’s of my wardrobe comes from Forever 21 (do you have that where you are?) I look at you, and look at me and think you are by far much cooler. ya know, just in case you wanted to know 🙂 love you.
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yay for the chairs on the front of yours. And for the flipflops on this page.=]. Muchlove,
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^[above]^ from me, audioxheartbreak;. not signed in.
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oh, but it is true. and good, no matter what you say.the best thing about it is the fact that i’m a freshman in high school and i realize that. i realized it this summer, while going through my self and realizing that people are stupid.more importantly, i realized it last week when i thought to myself, you know, i don’t want to be sara clark anymore, i…
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We all want to grow up and kiss boys.*sigh*
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…don’t want to be emily, i just want to be like them. want to be myself as much as they are themselves. because the people that i really love and idolize are the people who know who they are and don’t care what other people think.and sure, i get funny looks when i do some stuff, but what fun is life if some people don’t think your weird?(as long as everyone…
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…loves you.)there’s something magical about being who you are and being loved for it, isn’t there?(especially when you love it, too.)»laura
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that’s what i love about you…all of the above entry. *smile and a hug*
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oh my love.everyone has their time andwhen it comes sometime you eralizeit’s not everything it should be.”popularity” is a complete waste andi refuse to stay young forever.i refuse.it’s killing me so swiftly and so slowly i can’ttell which end is up any moreloveyou
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ok to make you feel better about hating yourself, i think the grammar and punctuation was HORRID!(but i still love it and think its punctuated and grammared very well compared to me!)abercrombie is over rated…its over priced and too generic
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we still have two months of classes. grr.
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So so true. Ive never been really been known as “popular” and Ive always kinda wondered back then what it was like to be invited and to be thought as that cool guy. And I know now like being invited to literally five different parties during one night but then not actually enjoying myself. Its really annoying sometimes. Its easier to deal with just yourself, i guess.
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ryn// i never thought of it that way.you’re so wise.xox,
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oh i just loved that. and you know what? i think you’ve really figured it out. by no means do you ever need anyone else to define your coolness. you just are. take care 😉 .love.
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damn woman. that was such a good entry.spoke volumes.and hooray for red hair!!xx
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*smile* OnlySupernova on AIM. Love you,
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I really like this entry…It’s insight on… life, I guess..I still have a long way to go, lol xoxo
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i enjoyed reading that very much.i cant tell you how much i could relate to some of your words.
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ryn// hahahaha, YES. It doesn’t make it any easier for me too, when my favorite colors are bright pink, red and green. hehe, take care darling 😉 .love.
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good entry…i mean, wait, it sucks…i mean…oh man, you’re killing my brain. i always wanted to be popular and spurn the popularity as superficial. i was always ready for that to kick in at any time, and even though it never did, i guess i did a decent job of doing my own thing. go me?… p.s. i really did enjoy this entry.
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I agree with everything you say and i don’t think i could have said it better..i look at all the in crowds and it makes me sad sometimes that someone so ignorant can be so well liked .. well more like well known since not much people like them
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hehe. i have to tell you that i like it… even though you claim to be self-deprecating as i am. i just can relate really well to this… even down to the curly hair:) i enjoyed reading your diary… i must say.
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