13/03/2020

Mwaaah so M called off the coffee date, said he had too much work and chaos because of corrona, could have been true could have not. I swear to god the knots I get myself tied up in thinking this way. I honestly don’t even know if I actually want to see him again, and this relative, positive truth has finally settled in my mind. I was waiting for him to text yesterday, whilst another part of him almost hoped he simply didn’t as it’d be easier.. I have this uber stubborn streak which isn’t at all constructive. I have been on the point of texting him and just saying it’s not the right time, etc etc, but then I don’t because I feel like it’s simply a reaction against all the other uncertainties I have in my life at the moment. Like I’m so fricking lost at the moment, and a part of me is not handling that too well and reacts by simply getting angry and tense at the smallest thing. So I feel like I’d be breaking it off with him, not because I don’t want to see him again but because it’s simply be doing something, anything to exert a feeling of control.

But then again I think his masculine need to dominate, which he’s definitely in touch with might not mesh well with my own fairly dominating personality. Especially at the moment because I think that aspect of me is coming out stronger because I’m drifting and I don’t really want to be. I’m not especially secure right now, and I think I’ve shown him those insecurities so I think he’s looking for a very straight dom, sub relationship and although I play the submissive role, and prefer to be often, it’s not entirely who I am, I’m too complicated and I’m not sure that he’ll be able to handle that.

It’s a pride thing really, I don’t want to call it off, back down, back out. But on the other hand I really don’t know if I need all this right now.

So I messaged saying sure, no probs, let me know when you’re free. The assertive, sensible, positive, constructive thing to do would be to break it off. If I were the one to do this it would be, shaping my own future, which is definitely where I want to be, but then again I do think he could be good for me. He’s upbeat, active, positive, confident- all things I could do with. So if i broke it off now to appease my own inner fricking debating circle, i’m reacting, creating a short term positive but potentially missing out on long term positivity. Opposing that is the idea that the small, momentary decisions are important as well- likely more important. I swear to God the way I over analyse. Break it off, will you ever stop thinking like this? Does everyone analyse like this..??

It’s a pride thing, but also a sensible, thinking about the future thing. Would anyone else acknowledge the pride issue? Why do I care?

I feel like another sensible friend point would be you don’t need all this overthinking, when it’s right you wouldn’t be over thinking like this.

I should just accept this advice, and break it off, hold out for something which is easier.. but then again surely no fricking relationship is easy.. and this with M has been very easy up until now. The feelings have all just become real in one go because up until now it was all texting.. and as much as I think a part of me wants to simply say I’m not 100%, I do like him.

So. Conclusion. Forget about all of this. Take a few days.

Never write an entry which is slanted so in favour of the uncertainties.

Get better, start exercising etc etc etc