Hurting

I’m at this place that I don’t understand. I mean, my rational mind understands it. I’m a Licensed Clinical Social Worker. I do feelings and thoughts for a living. I know all about the grieving process and processing loss and using coping skills. I know how to say things to make everyone feel better. But on the inside, I’m dying. I never thought it would hurt this bad. It will be 2 years this year and I’m still at this place of overwhelming sadness. I miss my dad something fierce and half of me is like you’re too old to fall apart and you can’t fall apart because you have a whole son to take care of who lost his grandfather and who’s depending on you to hold it together because he’s falling apart and he’s still grieving but it just hurts so bad. I went on this grieving app. Just trying to find a space to allow myself to fall apart. But what do you know? As soon as I get on some dude wants to treat it likes its tinder. I was so angry. Have you ever felt like you wanted to scream but you just couldn’t? You couldn’t because that’s falling apart and if you ever fell apart you didn’t know if you would ever be able to put it back together again? I think about my dad every day. Every single day. And I want to let it go and put it in a place where it doesn’t hurt so much but I don’t know how to do that. It’s so bad that there are certain songs I can’t even listen to on the radio because it just hurts so bad.  Maybe I will get over this …. I honestly just don’t know. But I feel so lost sometimes. I don’t know how to move on.