The Single Mother-The Worker-The Relationship

Up early this morning with so many things to do. Was doing a little diary surfing last night and came across this diary of this single mom just a few years younger than me. I could feel her loneliness and stress jumping off the page. I could totally feel what she was going through and where she is at. It is so hard being a single mother and dating is a difficult feat. I’m precariously trying the dating feat now and it’s not going too well. Jayden is 6 so he is just old enough to tell me I can’t have a boyfriend but not old enough to understand why I want one. I understand what she is saying about looking at guys and wanting that type of guy for you. It’s hard because you feel like you deserve it and your kid deserve it but it is all your fault that he doesn’t have what he need for that father figure and you don’t have that partner for your needs. I have a less then supportive sperm donor who’s only endearing quality is that he  has a pretty good paying job so I get a small, but almost-decent-but-not-quite child support check. Other than that, he really is good for nothing. I don’t even try to deal with him anymore-he is just that pathetic. He has visitation every other weekend and he is good for like 1 weekend out of 2 –the other one is suspect. But Jayden don’t like going with him any way so it is not a great lost. He does not like the fact that Jayden will give him the business whenever-however. Jayden will dare him to say anything out of the way because Jayden knows that I won’t put up with Scott yelling at him or spanking him-Scott has not earned that right. Being a day-late, dollar-short, absentee father does not grant you chastising rights-don’t even try me. Jayden called him a liar once and he called me all upset. I asked him “Did you lie?” He said “No- I just changed my mind.” I said “No. You lied, so stop lying and he won’t call you a liar” and I hung up on ass.  He is just so annoying and he’s like 46 so why are you being so childish and arguing with a 6 year old? I mean who is REALLY the adult there? It is hilarious.

Today I have the morning off from my internship and the Domestic Violence agency. I’m glad for that, I really could use the break. I have a homework assignment due at noon that I gotta get on right after this diary entry. It’s one of the 2 online classes I am taking this semester. I also have two on campus classes too plus the 24 hour a week internship and the 40 hour a week job and the kid and 15 hours of neighborhood help and the 4 honor societies….. okay I don’t want to THINK about this anymore or I may cry! So any break I get from ANYTHING is a great thing! One of the girls I go to school with is going through the same thing as me minus 3 classes and 4 honor societies and she is so stressed out. So I look at her and wonder –like….. is she weak, am I strong, or do I just deal with things differently? She has her parents help and my parents live 40 minutes away so they only watch Jayden every other weekend. I do have an amazing Nanny though but only for like 20 hours a week. Whatever.

So I have to go to work tonight at 11 pm. I love Friday’s because it is the one day that I work WITHOUT Johann and all of that drama. Usually I’m working with Manny and Joseph so it ends up being rather peaceful. Usually I have like 6 or 7 ventilators and no annoying nurses. Those nurses get on my damn nerves sometimes. They admit that in the ICU/CCU I am as good as it gets in this hospital but they like to complain because I give them the straight business. You have to. You have to check them before the run you absolutely crazy. They will call you for the stupidest reasons. Then have the audacity to page you overhead for even more ridiculous reasons. And if it is something stupid, I will give them the business at the bedside in front of their peers – I don’t care. I will tell them it is unacceptable. The morning blood gasses and trips to CT scan is an issue and put together they will get the nurses cursed out QUICK. Every morning I do blood gases at 5 am. So A) I am not going to CT scan with your ventilated patient at 5 and B) you need to have all your orders in the computer by 5 am. I even go as far as to around 2 or 3 remind them to check their orders and make sure they are in. It never fails, they are either going to see me doing blood gases and put one in the computer or they are going to ask me to go to CT scan with a patient. I go through this with them EVERY weekend. The worst part is- I always take an extra kit so if they would tell me about the blood gas while I am there it wouldn’t be THAT bad but they wait until I go back to the Respiratory office to analyze the blood gas and I see this order in the printer. I refuse to do it. Cause when the doctor call-he cursing them out for not having the results – not me. I don’t care. They call my supervisor or whatever but he don’t care either cause A) he’s in the e.r and the NICU B) I basically supervise the 6th floor ICU/CCU units and C)he get sick of their foolishness too. It can be so infuriating sometimes. But I make a lot of money. I make a good living and that is why I put up with the bull.

I wish there was a way I could put some distance between me and Johann. I’m tripping through this whole thing. I know I would be better off. This is so reminiscent of the “Terrell Situation” and I really just don’t want to go here again. I need to find something easier with a man that isn’t so afraid to move forward. I feel so stupid and confused dealing with him most of the time. It’s like he’ll take 5 steps forward like he ready to do something and then it’s like he scares himself so he take 7 steps back. Then he creep closer and closer – 2 steps, 5 steps, then jump back again. I feel like a 2nd grader with this dude and I am too old and too tired to do this. I could find solace in the fact that he’s only like this with me and that he really does treat me different then everybody else. The way he talk to me and the way we interact are more intimate then anybody else and we make bedside joint decisions. He has these personal conversations that he does not have with anybody else and he touch me and interact with me differently. We vibe when we together and he’s always with these bright smiles and laughing when he with me and he just doesn’t act like that with anybody else. Everybody see it, and notice it, cause I can see them watching us but they know that my personal life is not up for discussion with anybody but I am not some school girl with my first school girl crush. Vibe-in with me for 3 months is not good enough. I deserve better than that. It’s like I want to move forward wit

h this relationship but I can’t. Because every time we start moving forward, even a little, eventually he jumps back. Then when I try to establish boundaries and enforce the professional relationship, it all falls apart. Something gotta give with this dude.