Sex Ed – Not Just For Breakfast Any More
I have a short attention span. I am easily bored. That’s why teaching middle school kids is the perfect job for me. Never mind daily variety – I have minute by minute variety – sometimes out of the SAME student!
I was running a bit slow this morning in first block. The trunk of my car was FULL of groceries and I sent two students to empty it out. By the time they had done that and 3 others had put away the groceries, there was not enough time to actually get into any real cooking. Luckily, this is one class that I can usually count on to be sort of calm. I allowed them “free” time.
I should know better than to allow them time to talk to each other. I really should. They come up with these wonderful insights when they talk to each other and feel compelled to try them out on me. I sat munching on a snack and preparing recipes for tomorrow’s cooking tasks when I hear:
“Miss! The inside of a vagina is really ugly. So is the inside of a uterus.”
I nearly spit the mouthful of water I had just swigged all over my desk. Instead of typing 1 pound of ground beef, I ended up tyiping 1 pind great unbeef. But being one to always attempt to take things in stride, I looked up at the boy who had said this and asked…..
“Well – how did you come to that conclusion – have you been crawling up into some lately?”
They all laughed and proceeded to tell me where this subject had come from. Science class. The sex ed unit. They’re watching films. OH. The next interesting bit of information to come forth was…
“Well the inside of a man’s penis is ugly, too. And we saw the sperm sloshing up against the pee-pee tube. And ejaculation happens in SPURTS!”
I gotta give them credit. They did – for the most part – use the “proper” names for the body parts and not the gutter slang that they are used to.
Apparently this has been on their minds. All of them. OK – I know sex is always on their little hormonal pea brains. I am referring to the sex ed right now. It seems that they see the films and get the lecture, but do not get to test out their new found knowledge in conversation. I, therefor, seem to be the testing ground. On the one hand I am glad they feel comfortable enough to talk with me about this. ON THE OTHER HAND….I wish I’d had some warning. Having it SPRUNG on me while I was snacking….
On to other matters. Following directions is not a priority for most of these students. As many of you may know….following directions is a NECESSITY when learning to cook. Let’s take a look….
!/2 cup butter, softened
“Miss! What does softened mean?”
“It means that the butter should not be cold and hard right out of the refrigerator. Since we did not have the time to take it out and let it sit, you may put it in the microwave for 7-8 seconds and that will work. But DO NOT MELT THE BUTTER. Melted butter will ruin your recipe. 7-8 seconds only. SOFT butter, not MELTED butter. Understand?”
And they all NOD – yes. 30 seconds later –
“Miss! Is this right?” And they’re showing me a puddle of completely melted liquid butter.
Place on ungreased cookie sheet.
“Wait! What are you doing?”
“We’re spraying the cookie sheet with Pam.”
“Why?”
“Because you’re supposed to.”
“Why do you think that? Does the recipe say to grease the pan?”
“Yeah – right there – see?”
“Yes, I do see. I see that it says and UNgreased pan. UN greased. UN.”
Cooking macaroni and cheese
“Miss! What do we do with the macaroni now?”
“If it’s cooked, then you need to drain it and go on to the next step in the recipe. Yes – that’s right. Add the cheese.”
“But we already did.”
“You already did what?”
“We already did add the cheese. While the macaroni was boiling.”
“You mean to tell me you put the shredded cheddar cheese INTO the boiling water with the macaroni?”
“Yes”
Bake 8 minutes.
“Miss! Are these done?”
“How long did you bake them?”
“I don’t know. A couple of minutes I guess.”
“How long does the recipe say to bake them for?”
“8 minutes”
“And they’ve been in the oven 3 minutes?”
“yeah”
“So….are they done?
“I don’t know.”
“Is 3 minutes longer than 8 minutes?”
“Huh?”
Or one of my personal all time favorites which has absolutely nothing to do with recipes, but a lot to do with attitude……..
“THERE WILL BE NO TALKING WHILE YOU DO THIS ASSIGNMENT”
“whisper whisper whisper whisper”
“I said NO talking”
“But we were talking about the assignment – so that’s OK!”
“No talking. Not even about the assignment. NO Talking. At all.”
“whisper whisper whisper whisper”
“Why are you STILL talking?”
“We weren’t talking – we were whispering.”
And somehow….they truly believe that line of logic should get them off the hook.
Have I mentioned that I think EVERY student ought to be required to take a course in THINKING?????
define.. talking
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Sadly, thinking is becoming a lost art. We need more teachers like you that inspire them to actually think. The brain is a use it or lose it proposition.
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OH goodness, I can’t stop laughing about the cheese being added to the pot of boiling water with pasta in it.
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You made me spit my Coke everywhere. I never want to know what the inside of an uterus looks like.
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So I guess you really have to choose your morning snack CAREFULLY. No pears or hot dogs?
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I just have one question. What do you do for entertainment on your summer vacation?
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They’re fantastic, aren’t they?
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so nice that they’re comfortable to be talking about ‘sex’ in front of you.. being open-minded will teach them an important lesson in life..
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You have to look at the inside of a penis now to be sexually educated? Wow….Roo is going to love that one. I just thought it was pretty self evident. Yeppers. you need these pain meds much more than I……catch…..
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Ye Gods and little fishes!
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it kills me that I buy something that can be microwaved, I am damn good with a microwave ms wolf, and there are instructions which say, “Remove product from package before cooking”. Duh. I knew that. or “Product will be hot”. no kidding? Really? Are people really this dense?
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I’m thanking my lucky stars here that none of my students ever came to me after sex ed. classes! But I sympathise with you about following instructions; it’s an art many students take quite some time to learn.
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Thanks…now I know exactly how long it takes to soften butter in the microwave (without melting it first!). ryn: Thanks! Guess you’ve been in that boat too. I really am pleased about the engagement…..but I keep remembering how he thought I was the most wonderful woman in the world, and would buy me gaudy jewelry for any and all occasions. 🙂 Such memories.
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Oh yeah, I agree with your other noter. What will you do for entertainment over summer? These kids are a great joy to me too.
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ROTFL about the mac and cheese! your kids must love you. . . you know that? I know I would have loved to have you as a teacher.
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The last point they made is very apt… they weren’t talking. It’s exactly the answer Anna (Straight A student) would come up with *grin* I gotta say, they sound like great kids… really… and I wouldn’t swap them with you for the world!!
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i thought i wanted to be a teacher till i had children….. i’m just saying. lol
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If there were a course in thinking, I’d have to quit school. *LOL* Cute story. :))
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No more melted butter for me… I just wrote an entire paper about sex. It’s graphic and has a lot of shock value. It’s amazing what a sex ed course does for you
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RYN: how awesome 😀 I used to go up to Martin all the time (UT up there), for tennis, band and choir things lol ~ajaye
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LOL! Loved these. 🙂
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that’s sort of like adding hot water to jello and not boiling water and wondering why it doesn’t set up
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At least you didnt type 1 pound ground vagina! 🙂 Crap, your cooking classes remind me Im supposed to make layered dip to take to work.
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Maybe its their version of fast food! LMAO Hugz
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Oh, to be a fly on the wall of your classroom, listening in! What a hoot!
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Wow I’m impressed that you haven’t stuffed one of them in the oven and turned it on high and left em there lol Love the art work also. Lael
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LOL, this is just too funny, and I have one of those middle schoolers, I can attest to the fact that they really are that dense at times, okay, most of the time! LOL 🙂
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oh thas jist great ms wolf. now ah’m cute? What like ah’m a stuffed animal..I amuse you, i make you laugh, what about me makes you laugh? Sorry. Long hard week. And how was YOUR week? Are YOU ready for Summer…yeah, I bet you are..
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do you have a favorite painting? a favorite song, favorite color favorite movie stars Whats the first thing that attracts you to a man? How many parents have you wanted dead? how many student will you never miss? do teachers get butterflys in their stomach in front of a new class?
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I think I need a refresher class in thinking. May I join the one your kids should be attending?
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LOL. ROFLMAO. OMG. Yep. Here is what you do. You pick out a few “good” students who need extra credit. Give them said credit (although it won’t help them much) to show up early & help you empty your trunk full of groceries. If the kids like you some will volunteer before you even OFFER extra credit. Yep, even juniors and seniors have sex questions. Amazing isn’t it. Why don’t parents get involved?
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oh my gosh… i don’t think i could handle this! lol~
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OMG!!!! Between the sex talk and the cooking instructions I just about fell off my chair laughing. You should get hazard pay just for dealing with these kids & their food. You know the whole thing would make a great tv show. *with giggles and warm hugs*
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You know, I hate to laugh . . . .
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I’m thinking… “Why not combine sex ed with cooking 101?” The idea started with the whole “soften the butter” thing… I really thought you were headed in that direction! I felt so dumb and giggly when you didn’t. I guess we all know what the students were thinking about instead of following directions?
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