True Confessions
Isn’t THAT a titillating title? Steamy, sexy, forbidden….
Sorry to disappoint. My confession is much more sordid than all that.
Let me just clear my throat here………step up to the podium…….gather my thoughts……….and speak:
Hello. My name is Sunshine Wolf. I teach Culinary Operations and………..(dramatic pause HERE)………………….I don’t cook.
No, really. I DON’T cook. Please guys – stop laughing!! Really. Reallyreally. Sigh. I can see you’re not taking this very seriously. You need convincing?
Last year when Young Stud got married, I saw his dad (my hubby #1) and his mother at the wedding. We sat and talked for a bit. I mostly caught up with ex MIL as she did the typical granny thing and told me all about her grandkids and great grandkids. At some point she decided to ask me what I was doing now. I said “teaching”. Oooooooohhhhhh! says both she and ex-hubby. What subject are you teaching? “Home Ec” I replied.
What followed was not pretty. Ex hubby simultaneously gagged, spit beer through his nose, shit himself and fell over laughing. His mother, ever the more tactful of the two, simply peed herself laughing and suffered a small hernia becuase she was straining so hard not to bust out laughing in front of me.
In all honesty…I do remember telling ex-hubby in no uncertain terms that if he wanted the creases in his uniform pants “just so” he could damn well iron them himself. Yeah. Well…that and the day when I had to explain to him that I WASN’T kidding before we got married when I said “I don’t do windows and my grandmother does all the cooking”. So MAYBE their slight over-reaction to the image of me teaching hapless children how to cook can be justified.
Not good enough? OK. Well then let’s try this variety of reactions to the announcement of the subject I teach. (NOTE: NoOne thought it odd that I am teaching. That, apparently, I am capable of. It is the SUBJECT MATTER that is causing the raised eyebrows) My son guffawed. My sister went into fits of hysterical laughter. My father got that blank look and started looking for his deceased mother. Ex-hubby number 2 dropped the phone and passed out….Need I say more?
How about this for those of you who are more visual…Me being an expert on cooking is about as likely as Cassidy wrapping his mouth around this ball.
Matter of fact – I think I wear that same perplexed look quite often.
That all being said………
Today I spent my first block cleaning and cutting up 250 pounds of chicken. Then I put it in pans, seasoned it with lemon pepper, salt, pepper, garlic, mojo and lemon juice. Tomorrow morning I’ll cook it. (There’s a big festival this weekend that “we” are participating in).
During my 3rd block I supervised the peeling and cutting to EXACT proportions many pounds of potatoes, onions and green peppers – so that my principal could make his famous signature spanish omelette for a meeting this afternoon and look like a genius.
Fourth block made oatmeal cookies
My after school program……..made omelettes, scrambled eggs, hash browns, french toast, fried eggs, waffles and pancakes. (Yesterday they made flan – a spanish custard with a caramel sauce – YUMMMMM).
For somebody who doesn’t cook…..(and I really really DON’T)….I’ve got em all pretty well fooled, don’t I? lol
We’ll just see who’ll get to snort the last drop of beer out their nose – so there!
CUUUUUUUUUUUUUTE DOGGIE PIC! OH WHAT A CUUUUUUTE PUPPY WUPPY!!!!!! OH MY GOSH I’M DYING FROM CUTENESSSSSSS!!!!!!! Now, to actually read your entry after I feed my own five little darlings.
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{laughing} So, what do you eat if you don’t cook?
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Now I’m hungry! Pretty good for someone who doesn’t cook! Except I won’t be eating any corn. Ever. Again.
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This is embarrassing but, after reading your entries, I don’t always make it to the bathroom in time! Oh, Sun, you hurt me, you really did. I did all those stomach crunches tonight and you made me laugh till I near about puked. How’s that for classy?
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i love that pic! lol!
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I totally understand that. My mom does not cook either. Always had my dad or me do it. Her mom is still convinced she is going to her into the perfect little cook…but I do not for see that ever happening
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ROTFL… Maybe by the end of all of this you will be able to cook…
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You’re a better cook than you think, we all are. You’ve got the kind of stuff that makes soup for the soul.
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What? You don’t cook? You eat out all the time? Not even breakfast? I love that picture of Cassidy pondering the ball.
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I know what it is, you can’t actually cook unless it involves 20 or more middle school aged children, yes, that’s it. 🙂
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I have “cooked” twice this week — opened packages, boiled, nuked, and warmed-up. NewGayBoyfriend thinks I cook regularly. Kidlet gave me heck for cooking (for once in her lilfe) and not telling her. I told her. I just didn’t tell her before I started. I told her afterward. I made NGB swear not to let the secret out to my other friends. I CAN cook. I just do not particularly like to do it.
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Now I know that you should be at least President. Knowing how to do a thing and being able to delegate while remaining undirtied but still in the thick of it is a touch of superior management. Applause and deep bows to a bona fide superior. LOL
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Ah but don’t you know… “People who can do, people who can’t teach!” So there you go!
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You do so cook! You REALLY cook! I cook everything from scratch and I’m intimidated by the scope and scale of the projects you so breezily describe. By the way, your cheeky writing style cracks me up, and your dog is darling!
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NOW I know why you wanted to come over for dinner! (PS — What you described was cooking….don’t tell your various family, ex and otherwise…it’s too funny to think of them losing control of bodily functions all over the place.)
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I’ll be joining your after school program post haste.
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You really don’t cook a lot better than I really don’t cook!
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that’s okay I don’t cook either.. .wait.. I don’t teach a class though! mmmmmm
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RYN – Ryan Giggs! Still playing and a WELSHMAN at at that! What good taste your son has!
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Too funny and I love that picture! RYN: I’m afraid you and the rest of those wanton women leaving notes about my precious Rudy are out of luck. They’ll be prying him from my cold, dead hands before I even think about letting him go. 😉
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Love the picture. I can cook but I usually dont cause its such a bother cooking for one person.
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Anymore, I think that actually *cooking* food, is very over-rated! Cute entry. I did enjoy.
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Great picture of Cassidy! What a cutie. As to the not cooking, I’d hate to see what you would cook if you could cook. ;D Looks like you do a pretty darn good imitation of a cook in my books my dear. *with a wide grin & a hug*
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‘They’ say the best way to learn something is to teach it 🙂
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