October 31, 2004

Poised On the Edge Of

an abyss or, perhaps, no edge at all.

I have been feeling odd for a while now, and I think it is catching up with me physically. Since Saturday night I have been headachy and stomach-yucky, running a low-grade fever and generally been out of sorts. There is no BIG illness, just enough small annoyances to keep me from pretending all is well.

This certainly feels like a parallel to life in general right about now. My re-finished floors are beautiful. They have added enormously to the value of my house and I pretty much hate them.

I have a new bed. Its perfect. Just the right height and right size. It sucks.

I recently celebrated my birthday where, once again, my family demonstrated their total lack of awareness of who and what I am.

At the most surface level of my awareness, none of this matters. Its all just stuff. And so I try to examine my beliefs to see what does matter. Not a lot. Or maybe everything.

I remember going through things after my mother died. As a schoolteacher, she had years of those wonderful (cough, choke) school pictures squirreled away. Sis and I looked at them separately. Later, we both commented about the look in here eyes. Each year (over the last 3-4 years), the look in her eyes seemed a little wilder, a little more desperate, a little more barely controlled. The Look was tangible in the pictures, but neither of us remember it being noticeable in our day-to-dayness. This year, as a hugely experienced second year teacher, I remember peering intently at my pictures from this year AND last looking for that shadow of insanity but will I recognize it if I see it?

All the things I KNEW as facts about myself theyre ideas and shadows nowadays, more than they are facts. The thickness and straightness of my hair, my stamina, my health, the things I would never or would always do HAH!

So it seems the winds of change are blowing. Why does that phrase conjure up remembrances of the 3 little pigs.Ill huff and Ill puff and Ill blow your house down! ? Oh dear. I dont think I want that to happen. But maybe it should. Ride the winds of change, isnt that what they say? Oh crap Im not sure I can even climb into the saddle any more.

And through it allmy darling Cassidy sleeps soundly artlessly sprawled across the bottom of my bed. In another few seconds he will be so completely relaxed that he will slide off the bed No. He must have known I was typing about him, he has awakened and affixed me with the I need love now stare. OR maybe its the pee, pee, gotta pee stare. Theyre so similar, after all. In either case, the only thing I am sure of right now is that my puppy needs me and THAT I will respond to.

.imp.

November 1, 2004

Something about this entry…it’s just really good. Illness big or small, I hope you’ll get yourself checked out.

whowhatwhere

As an ex teacher who went insane, be carefully because it really does happen. My mom and dad also lost it a teeny bit too. Teaching is some foreign word meaning whole lot of stress. Be careful and don’t feel bad for taking sanity days off.

blevins

This is wonderful writing. You so beautifully display the two sides of humor, this one of the sadness behind laughter. RYN: A spanking (never a beating) remains a good thing sometimes, I think. Teaches a bit of humility along getting their attention. Kids aren’t ready to rule the world all though maybe they could do a better job of it.LOL.

Torin

I’ve been feeling a little out of sorts–nothing huge, but a mild general intestinal distress. It’s getting on my nerves. RYN: Ask and ye shall receive. Not much, admittedly, but a little something. With a smile…

Ainekate

I understand. Hang in there and feel better my dear. *big warm hugs*

Luna

I hope you feel better soon. I think it might be the midterm sniffles. I know I want to take a week off and just recuperate, but there is no rest for the studious — or their teachers. Check out my “what I misread” box tonight. It’ll make you giggle.

tae's heartbeats

things are out of sorts over here too. 🙂

aquaphoric

*hugs* i don’t understand how your family demonstrates how they don’t know you…

FallingDog

My dogs get me through my spiritual ennui, even when they’re being little you-know-whats. Homer is whining right now because he can’t find just the right spot to lie down on. But if it weren’t for them, I might dissolve.

lifeisuhmistury

((((((Oh, Too))))))))….I wish we were closer physically,then we could go out to the beach and drum and drone..(me on my didgeridoo droning) I am with you in spirit, my friend!

ryn: do you give them a wish list? could help…

RNBiker

Hope you manage to get a handle on whats up, SW! Stay well, hon. Hugz

Arbi

“All the things I KNEW as facts about myself theyre ideas and shadows nowadays…” The older I get the less certain I am about anything – and the more comfortable i am living with ambiguity and paradox. Maybe you are moving towards this too? Or maybe you just have a mild virus! *grin* Here’s to a quick recovery/comfortable accommodation -and not too much insanity at school!

Traveling Light

Geez, those pics of your mom… that must be strange. Yes, we’re on the edge. We certainly are. My darling little kitty-cat is very ill – it’s back to the vet for us today. I hope he can make her better. 🙁

melondrop

November 2, 2004

Your floors are beautiful but you hate them? It seems no one really gets me. Okay my babes get me but that could all change when they become adults.

ermentrude

November 3, 2004

Go with your feelings, don’t try to fight them. Then when you feel up to it, deal with them *hugs*

Mns

November 6, 2004

i missed your birthday? dang. belated wishes to you~