Purge
Were coming up to the end of yet another year. (A master of the obvious, arent I?) One thing I do try to do (with varying degrees of success, I admit) is to review a bit. In the review I try to identify garbage that I need to get rid of. Its a new year, so I should start out with a clean trashcan, right? In that spirit .
Right now I have a pit of bile occupying my trashcan. Whats up with those city garbage men? They dont take bile! I called and requested special pick-up arrangements, but they laughed at me! (Not, however, until AFTER they had left me on hold for 44.76 minutes). Bile apparently falls into the generic category of Toxic Substance. No duh, you frigging geniuses. Thats why Im trying to get RID of it!
Back to the bile. For the past 3 weeks, every minute my mind was not occupied it stubbornly returned to the subject of my friend. I see her face. I hear her voice rationalizing her actions as she twists the knife in my back an extra turn. I turn it all over in my mind again trying to figure out how I could have made things come out differently.
You guys dont know the REST of the story. Ive avoided it because I didnt want to appear to be beating a dead horse, but maybe if I take my riding crop firmly in hand and beat that horse here I can succeed in exorcising the demon. Here goes:
We have been planning a trip to Disney since my birthday. It was to be my present from her. It had been planned since October. Even after the end of the job, Disney plans were still on. That is until she left me a phone message the night before the trip saying shed have to cancel so she could see her accountant the next day. A phone message. After I had checked with her to make sure we were still going and made alternate arrangements for Chickie and Blossom.
Then said friend sent my Dad a Christmas card. She wrote (above the monogrammed signatures of herself and her 2 dogs) in that she hoped he had a happy holiday. Motivation for that? Who knows. Shes never sent him a card before. Dad, never the most subtle of people, sent a card back saying that it COULD have been a much happier holiday. Friend got the point. She showed up at Daddys house where she proceeded to tell him a series of half-truths designed to paint her favorably while simultaneously crying a river. Daddys remark: At least she stood up to what she did. Yeah, Dad. Well sorta.
You see, I have tried calling friend 3 times in the last week. Each time I have succeeded in getting only her answering machine. Each time I left an amiable message. To date, I have received no return call.
I have no idea whats going on in her head. Somehow it feels like she is holding me responsible for some terrible deed. Ive gone over this time and again and the worst thing I am guilty of here is bad judgment. I didnt renege on a business deal after persuading my friend to put out thousands of dollars in order to participate in the deal. I didnt cut off my friends source of income just before Christmas with no severance. I didnt look to my friends family for approval for my questionable actions. I didnt cancel a birthday gift at the last minute because it was suddenly inconvenient. Im not the one avoiding all contact. SO WHY DO I FEEL SO DAMN SHITTY THEN?
35 years of friendship is a long time. This is like a divorce. More painful for me perhaps. My two marriages together were only 20 years. And I knew what was coming could see it. This baffles me and I hate having no closure. This is so open-ended. But to keep calling her reeks of me begging for forgiveness and that is definitely NOT my position.
This is not how I would close the book. I like a smoother ending. It doesnt have to be happy, but I do like it to make sense. Since it doesnt appear thats going to happen this is my next best choice the bile pile. But damn, Im like a dog with a bone My mind just wont leave it alone! See what happens when youre unemployed and have spare time on your hands?
Oh yeah Happy New Year to all.
hey there… you alright? I know it’s hard for you, and you’re right… There’s something going on in her head that none of us understand. She doesn’t see it the same way as you do… so maybe you just need to let it be, no matter how tough that is. Hang in there non-kiddo. Perhaps the new year will bring better things. It’s a new beginning, as is every day. And new beginnings mean new chances and
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new opportunities. And good things to come. So here’s wishing you a year better than the past one, and closure and happiness. *Fishie hugs*
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You’re right..you DO need some sort of closure that makes sense….it seems to be her goal to make YOU feel guilty for an act SHE did…..just so she can feel better about herself? Just so the blame will be shifted, and she’ll feel LESS guilty…therefore sleeping better without the extra burden of what she had done? I dunno..however, I do know you need a simple, straight forward answer..(c)
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and if she were a “friend” she’d see to it all questions were answered, even if it didn’t come out all “perfect” in the end as you said yourself. I’m sure this has been a struggle for you…however, don’t think for a second you are to blame…..you choice was to figure things out..giving her room to help with that….her choice was to back away…chosing the alternate ending. ~Hugs and Loves
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I can understand your need for closure, but I have a feeling you are somehow going to have to let it go. I know, easy for me to say. Don’t beat yourself up about this, it really sounds to me like she has major problems and issues with herself. She wouldn’t be trying to justify things with your family if she didn’t really know she was in the wrong. ((hugs)) 🙂
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Been there, done that. Only in my case, it’s my husband. I keep trying to figure out what he’s going to do next, thinking if I can 2nd-guess him, it won’t be as painful for me and maybe I can persuade him that I’m at least partially right. But no way, and I have no idea why I do it.
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Part of what’s going on here is that your “friend” is an expert at avoiding accountability. Her survival skill is to make other people feel bad/guilty/inept for her inadequacies. If you do feel that way, she’s absolving herself of any wrongdoing or culpability. Frankly, P, she’s sounds pretty damned narcissistic. You won’t get any closure from talking to her because she doesn’t (c)
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have any answers. Grieve the loss and go find friends who are nurturing and empathic and UN-self-centered. You know you did nothing to cause this. It’s not you; it’s your “friend.” She’s a nutball. It hurts hurts hurts to have someone we loved and trusted betray us this way. God, woman, I feel so sad for you! Girlfriends are more sacred than husbands, and when they turn, it’s devastating.
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I have a wonderful solution for you!Let’s make plans(seriously!) for a birthday celebration that will blow the doors off all previous ones for next year.I’ll come to Florida,bake you on of my famous poppyseed cakes,(I only make them for family…grins) and we’ll start building new memories as friends who will be there through thick and thin.It’s oaky to feel confused,angry,and bitter. (cont)
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Just don’t let the “F’d-up, Repulsive, Insignificant, Entrail-toting, Non-sentient, Disgustingly self- absorbed” person suck any more energy from you.Don’t call her, there’s no one home! Send me your phone number and I’ll call you on my 3200 minutes free nights and weekends cell phone! Trust is a delicate thing for me…as it is for all of us.You’re a beautiful person, my friend! (cont)
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And if it’s “closure” you need and who doesn’t, I have another suggestion.Take a brown paper bag,fill it with something fairly heavy ala pinata style,paint a wicked face on it, hang it up outside, and beat the daylights out of the “effigy”! Smile when it explodes, stand back, dust off your hands, and say “Take that!”….then you’ll have the closest thing to closure you’ll ever get. ((((HUGS YA))))
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And if all else fails….FD and I are willing to make a road trip. Hee hee, I can just see the three of us together “exorcising demons”! Yes, we’ll bring our “commando” gear too…because hey, all women survivors have that stuff! *Beaming you a huge smile filled with love and warmth*
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*You know the tune…* “Hey,hey, Paula, there are a-holes everyhwere,Hey,hey,Paula, there’s just dorks, they’re always there,In the scheme of life, when things do get you down,Hey, hey, Paula, you know your true friends will always be around.” Just sign me….Paula…giggles…..Hey,hey!
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Oh yeah, I almost forgot, use duct tape to tie the bag shut and wrap it…then you really get to spend a lot of enrgy beating the living daylights out of it before it blows! Very liberating, I think. And I know it works, because I’ve used this method to make homemade pinatas for my kid’s bday parties when they were small. It took them a LONG time to get that candy out of there! ***Grins***
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I’m glad you let out “the rest of the story.” More and more this woman is sounding selfish beyond (proper 4-letter) words. Letting go would be the ideal, but it will take time…. lots of time to do that. Meanwhile, just be kind to yourself. No more beating up. If she won’t talk to you, why not follow her lead, and use the postal system. She’ll read it. She can’t “not” read it.
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~Hugs and Loves~
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Speaking from my own experience, it’s the burning, unanswered questions that have the greatest value, especially when it comes to relationships. There are usually a variety of reasons “s*** happens” in relationships, but I’ve found the best way to prevent similar future occurances is to try and learn what this event can teach me about myself that I haven’t understood before. There’s gold there.-J
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damn. just push her into the ocean. no wait, better not. anyway, hope 2003 is better
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WHEW! I certainly can’t add much to Paula’s notes, except to say that if it’s a road trip to Florida she’s wantin’, it’s a road trip to Florida she’s gettin’! You just say the word–we’ll both be down there, riot gear and combat boots in tow!!!! And have a HAPPY, HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!
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I believe you are picking up on her feelings…she is transmitting them to you trying to justify her actions to everyone including herself…there is no justification and she knows it….I doubt you can ever call her friend again as friends do not do things as callously as she did. She let you down three times in my estimation and that is the spoken word…I bring in the chop at that time…
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I think you are seriously learning the true meaning of friendship here….and history does not cut it…I have found out recently that I have very little friendships and ones that I thought were important were not true…it really hurt and I find now that I cannot go back for more…I would rather be lonely than hypocritical…guess what though I love you lots
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Oh my dear,I’m sooo sorry for your pain. When you’re hurt by someone you’d trusted you’ll never forget the pain. I agree with what everyone else has said. She’s trying to make you feel guilty ‘cus she knows deep down she was wrong. Don’t let her manipulate your feelings anymore. Write down what you’re thinking & feeling & send it to her in a letter, or burn it & let it go to ashes. ….
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….It might give you some closure that way. I’m going thru something similar with one of my sisters, “B” (it’s a long story for another time.) My heart is heavy for your pain. May the new year bring us all better days! Happy New Year! *with big warm hugs*
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As tae’s mummy here says, she wouldn’t be trying to justify things with your family if she didn’t really know she was in the wrong. Ex-friend’s concience must be bothering her about what she did. Perhaps there’s more to this than selfishness. A lifetime of friedship shouldn’t be tossed aside easily
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Equinoflaggilation has a place in all bilous parts. 🙂 Now with that said, i will read the rest.
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Erg, i’m not sure what the hell you are suppossed to be learning from this. Is this one of those if it doesn’t kill you your knees are stronger for the next time somebody continually kicks them things? Throw the towel at her. 🙂 WIth a really old banana in the middle ? 🙂
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Oh Dear, you must feel so sad. Maybe you can try calling her again, now that it’s the New Year, since friendships sometimes blossom again as we change our calendars. Please let me know how it goes.
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I can only imagine the hurt engendered by a betrayal of such magnitude. I’m thinking of those who have been friends almost as long and wondering how I would feel, what I would do, and my mind simply circles aimlessly. I have no words of wisdom, no fast fix, simply my compassion and affection and big warm hugs. With another big warm hug…T the U
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-((((((((((Friendship hugs)))))))))), sometimes we think we have good friends, but some are only friends when it suit them – unfortunately – Many hugs and love from your internet friend, I am by you and hold you tight, Sunshine. Love hugs – XXXOOO
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You know what? Even with a job and no time on your hands, this one would still be a bugger. Don’t apologize and don’t deny yourself. It’s all still very fresh and very ugly and dammit, you’re entitled to be PISSED right now. Repeat after me…karma is a boomerang, karma is a boomerang…~>:( ArtImp, nsi
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Sunshine – Happy New Year – yr already blessed with family so I hope the NY releases its riches upon you. Chickie’s poem brought a lump to my throat so I can imagine the waterfall u let loose :). As 4 yr ex-fiend 😉 she sounds seriously whacked – no consolation to u but I would def stay clear for a while – leave her to herself & her karma. Cheers 🙂
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Sometimes when people do things like that it is easy to face others around them then the actual person….She choose your Dad…..and well I love the fact that Dad sent the Christmas card back….. If it were me I would leave one more message saying….Thank you for the opp. but next time you want to screw over a friend do look to me I’m tired of picking up the pieces. But hey that’s just m
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Your friend really is a sad case. She is feeling major guilt as she should be. I love some of the suggestions you’ve gotten about getting over the anger. It hurts so bad when someone that was supposed to be a friend turns on you. It’s happened to all of us, but I have to admit this one really takes the cake. I’m signing on for the Florida trip too. Okay can I come?? Love to you
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I am very sorry that your friend dumped on you and seems to be walking away. they obviously feel guilty or would be returning your calls.Do you feel guilty? Or just hurting from all those years of frienship that seem to be for nought?You obviously value them more than they value you.I would leave a msg on her machine,direct,like Dad-just not mean.Serve her the ball and if not returned write it off
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RYN. There comes a time to draw a line under painful experiences, I will soon. It is painful to lose a friend, but her loss is greater in losing you. I am sure she feels regret at what happened
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*hugs* Here’s hoping the new year will be better sunshine! ryn: heh most of the 3 days happen because I close my eyes for the rest of the 71 hours after I clean it. I become blind as a bat.
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oh my goodness, did you fall down from overload of bunny butt pasta? Bernie HELP! where is that wolfie gurl?
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Disney’d be more fun without her anyway, let’s face it she’d be in all the gift shops buying them out when dammit, you wanted to be on the Buzz Lightyear ride zapping the bad guys 🙂
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