Inertia Minutia

Have I won the award for the world’s most sporadic diarist yet? Surely I am in the running.

Life for me is still up in the air. Maybe that’s because I am not clear on what it is I really want. I know I NEED to pay the bills, but what I WANT – well now, I’m not sure that’s aligned with the previously mentioned need at all. This could be a problem.

There is so much going on in my head – I can’t sort it out. There is so much that needs to be done – from the smallest little dust mite to the really big thing of landing a job…. and I can’t sort it out either. So what has been my solution du jour up til this point? Do nothing – or as little as possible to get by. Just to get by. Not to prosper. Not to excel. Just get by.

I feel as if I don’t know what to do. There’s too much. I’ve exhausted all my ideas and resources. I feel worthless. No – worthless is not the right word. Ineffective. Maybe that’s better. Purposeless. That’s pretty good. Hopeless and helpless. Hmmmmm – where are the upbeat adjectives?

Yesterday I was feeling particularly fractious. Nothing was good, less than that was right. It popped into my head that I should go to my favorite metaphysical type book store. Ha! A message! At last!! Something concrete. My guides were telling me there was something I needed there. I know. I’ll see which psychics are on duty and get a reading. Can’t really spare the money – but maybe it will help me gel. Got it.

Off I go. Got to the store in record time. The only psychic there just didn’t seem to resonate with me. No, I didn’t want a Tarot reading. No. So why the heck am I here? Surely not to just spend money. My guides couldn’t be doing that to me! Maybe that wasn’t a message after all – just my feeble brain searching for yet another mind numbing activity.

I start to wander through the store. I notice that there is a writing class scheduled to start that very night. Writing and spirituality. Hmmmm…..nah. I wander through the store. A couple of things catch my eye, but not really. I wander aimlessly. I leave without spending a dime. I drive home in a frustrated snit. What was THAT all about? Why the hell did I go there?

I get home and pick up the phone and dial. Hello. Is there still any room in the writing class starting tonight? Just one space? Oh. Um. Well. Do I need to sign up ahead of time or just show up? I should put my name on the list? Oh. OK. Put me down.

So I went to the class. I enjoyed it. It was not what I expected. I am not overly enthusiastic about it – but I am not hating it either. Neutral. Yep – that’s my new gear – neutral. But it sure seems as if I am “supposed” to be there for some reason. Of course, I certainly cannot see how this is going to land me gainful employment. To be honest, I am teetering on the brink of throwing all this spiritual crap in the dust bin. But if I do that – what do I have left?

I am a control freak. I want to know the answers and I want to know them now. This whole trust and wait attitude is driving me bonkers. For pity’s sake. Of course, I want someone to hand me a book labeled “ANSWERS”. I want it to be a guaranteed reference book. Follow these steps (1,2,3….) and all will be well. Come on now – is that so much to ask?

If I already had all the answers, why would I be in the state I’m in now? Of course, I’m hard-headed, so if someone actually handed me that mythical tome, I’d probably think it was a forgery and argue with all the steps.

Yep – I’m in great shape. But maybe I’ll write more often as part of my commitment to this class. Commitment – yuck. I’ll warn you now, though – it probably won’t be pretty to read.

And so it goes.