Weekend Life and Times

Friday-The weekend! Time for the fun stuff that people do on the weekends!

“Ma!Can you take me and Erica to Startime?”
“When?”
“8”
“Pick you up when?”
“10”

I drop the crew off & come back home.

“Umm…part of my homework is to give 3 massages a week. I am six massages behind”, says sis.

I crawl up on her handy portable massage table (which is quite comfy), lie face down, and prepare to be draped. Draping accomplished (Is this SUPPOSED to feel like a diaper?), all I have to do is relax & get massaged. It’s a limited number of body parts with a limited number of strokes…it’s only week 2, after all. THere I lie with my face in this cradle thing that looks like a padded toilet seat contemplating the carpet.

“You know,there’s not a lot to look at here while you’re doing that”
“umpf”
“You know,your future clients might enjoy something to look at”
“umpf”
“How about a fish bowl? More entertaining than a plain picture glued to the floor”
“umpf”
“This thing my face is in feels like a toilet seat. How about a fish bowl with a turd floating in it? That’s what you’d see if you were REALLY face down in a toilet bowl!”

We both dissolve into hysterics at the mental pictures this evokes.

Saturday arrives.

“Ma!Can you take us to 6 Flags?”
“Just you 3?”
“Yep. And Dookie. (Yes, that’s a friend’s name). And Tiffany is coming home with us, so you’ll have to bring her back.”

5 teens and 2 adults in an Altima. No problem.I am magic.I can make things happen.

We’re zipping along I-20 heading towards 6 Flags. Sis is snoozing in the front. The kids are raising hell (aka singing) in the back. I look at the cars coming on at the next ramp…and punch my sister.

“LOOK AT THAT!!!!!”

She sat up and – “WHAT THE …..!”

There was a big old pick-up truck with a dirt bike strapped in the bed. Nothing unusual there. It was flying an enormous Confederate flag. More unusual, but this is “Dixie” so it’s not totally unexpected. What caused me to drop my teeth (and punch my sister) was the flag on the other side of the truck. The ENORMOUS Nazi flag. I was, to use my daughter’s words, “trippin”.

Here I am in a car teens 2 black, 1 mixed, & 1 white- surveying the road ahead of me trying to figure a way to get as far away from THAT truck as possible. I sped up. A truck in the lane next to me sped up. I slow down. That truck slows down. It became apparent that the nut in the 2nd truck was trying to force me in between himself and the confederate nazi. I had about 20 seconds of sheer terror. Then there was a convenient break in the traffic & I was able to shoot across just in time to make my exit and zip into the 6 Flags parking lot.

I dropped off the kidlets – after I give a mini-lecture to all about the virtues of avoiding obvious lunatics. I remind that there is NO reasoning with lunacy. Then I remind that they each have two legs with which to leave the area ….. and one mouth to keep shut.

On the way home Sis and I visit the Target store. Not just Target – the SUPER Target.

Standing behind us in the checkout line are two teenage boys carrying a case of toilet paper each. Wonder what that’s for?

“How nice. You boys planning to distribute toilet paper to some needy families?” I ask with a look of wide eyed wonder.
“No ma’am. My mom’s real…..uh, she’s having some problems.”
“Oh. Well, tell your mom that the cheaper toilet paper really works better. It doesn’t tear as easily if she should happen to get it caught in the trees while she’s papering someone’s house……I mean, while she’s taking care of her problem”.
“Yes ma’am. Thank you”.

Back at home, Sis needs a book for her school. I suggest Amazon.com.

“Can you use your credit card? I’ll pay you back.”
You worried about internet theft? It’s a secure sight. You’ll be fine. Besides, if you’re worried about theft, I’d really appreciate it if you were worried about theft on my card, also.”
“No, I’ve just never done it and I don’t want to start now.”

When faced with logic like that, what can one say?
“Here’s your book. There are used copies available. Want a used copy?”
“Is it cheaper?”
“Yes – but according to this note it may not arrive for 10 days”“Then buy the expensive one.”
“OK” My finger is poised above the final SUBMIT button and….
“Wait! Call Borders and see if they have it.” Borders didn’t.
“Then call Barnes & Noble.” Barnes & Noble did.

Off to B&N….get the book from the clerk who has it on hold, then send him off looking for a paperback version. No paperback available, but there is a “Concise” version in paperback. Send the clerk off for that. Sorry, not in stock, but it can be ordered and can arrive in – oh, about 2 weeks. That being the case I figure she’ll just buy the one that’s available. Wrong. When faced with so many conflicting choices – Sis decides not to buy any book from either Amazon OR B&N. At last – a course of action I am familiar with – avoidance and denial!

Sunday morning arrives. I fix breakfast for Sis and myself while the teens slumber. Sis packs up her car and heads back to school. Pretty soon two girls wander out of Chickie’s room looking for breakfast. I’ve already made one breakfast this morning. I’m not in the mood for a second shot at it.

“Yoo-hoo! My darlings! Come heee-eeereee!”
“What?”
“Here’s the box of pancake mix and a pound of bacon. There’s the pots and pans. You guys are going to learn how to fix breakfast!”
“No thanks” says Chickie. “I’m not hungry any more.”

But I am remembering the ghosts of breakfasts past…..and have decided this cooking lesson is not optional.

“Too bad – but at least Tiffany will get a good breakfast out of this.”

Lo and behold, when seriously faced with the prospect of fasting or learning how to cook – Chickie chose to learn how to cook. Emeril would have been proud. Well, maybe not proud. But he would have been amused!

Pancakes and bacon accomplished. The day can now continue.

I’m taking tomorrow off. I need some time to recover from my weekend “recreation” time.