October 10, 2000

Previous: It Comes In Threes and Other Cliches

What If……….

Since talking with my father last week, Ive been running through all the what if scenarios. Sort of like a question of the week here on OD you know the drill. Rather than pondering what I would do if I knew the world was about to come to an end, I have been thinking about what I will do once I hear whatever news I am going to receive as a result of my dads biopsy next week. And dont you know Ive run the gamut!

WHAT IF the tests and doctors are mistaken and he is a normally healthy 70 year old with an average healthy life expectancy.

WHAT IF the cancer has spread and he refuses to participate in treatment

WHAT IF the cancer has spread and he throws himself wholeheartedly into getting well

WHAT IF the cancer has spread and there is nothing that can be done in the way of treatment

WHAT IF he needs me to care for him

WHAT IF he becomes depressed

WHAT IF I ran away and disappear into the mist

WHAT IF he has a change of heart and decides to live out his remaining years in joy rather than fear

WHAT IF he doesnt

And on the list goes. I look at the script and play out the options. I weigh the plusses and minuses. And in the end, it all comes down to the same baseline. I will take whatever happens and deal with it as I find it. Thats the best that I can do for him and for myself.

But the little girl inside me cries out in anger and frustration: Its not fair! You see, this is my father. The one person in my life that was always supposed to be there and be strong. Hes the adult, not me. Hes been difficult and a bona fide bastard at times, but thats my daddy and hes always been there like a rock.

And Spirit speaks to me, gently reminding me that fair and having an easy life were never guaranteed, that dying is a part of living, and we never truly die.

And I argue. Who says? Why? Prove it!

And the dearth of answers I get is the answer all on its own.

So I wearily close my eyes and go to sleep. And I dream. I rarely remember my dreams. It has never been all that important to me. But last nights I remember. I was at an airport and my father was getting on the plane. This is odd in itself because my father will NOT fly anywhere, for any reason, ever. But there he was, in a wheelchair, wheeling his way down the jetway and onto the plane. I knew the plane was going to crash — and it was somehow all right and not in the least distressing. In the morning I got up and looked at my dresser. I have a little figurine of a mouse in a teacup that my father gave me more than 15 years ago. The saucer on the little teacup was broken. This would have been a good time to cry, if I hadnt given that up years ago.

Tonight the phone rang. It was my dad. He had cut down a 40+ year old Laurel Oak in the yard at his house. It has not looked completely healthy for the last few years. It is diseased and the disease has been slowly eating away at its insides. It may have had another 10 years in it, but no one could say for sureand so he cut it down. I dont want to go home next week and see the house without that tree. That tree is part of the house, part of my childhood, part of me. And he just cut it down. This would have been another good time to cry, but instead I sat down to write.

And Spirit speaks to me again ever so softly and reminds me that this is not my path to walk. And I am reminded that big girls DO cry.if they let themselves.

(HUGS)..Yes, SW…Big girls do cry…and it is perfectly ok too..in fact, as I experienced earlier this week..it is healing..in it’s own way…let life unravel as it will..he’ll need you..

My heart goes out to you. I lost both my Mom and Dad to cancer and deal with it in my own life as well. Try to take it one day at a time and know that your parents can never really leave you. (cont)

I come across the voice of both my Mom and Dad in my life on a daily basis. Hugs

Everyone cries…inside, if nowhere else. And you certainly have reason to. Let it all out! We’re here supporting you. *hug*

The little girl will always depend on her daddy, they rescue us from under bridges & stuff. The big girl will deal with it. Let the little girl cry if she needs to sometime. She’ll probably sneak up on you though. HUGS!

I wish I could offer something more substantial than words and thoughts but…. my thoughts will be with you each day. 🙂

darkart

October 11, 2000

Sounds like you need a hug right about now so *hugs* Perhaps your dad won’t get well but I think the knowledge that he helped bring one such as you into the world, is already a far greater joy than anything else he

darkart

October 12, 2000

oh good grief!! i’m sorry i left so many notes!! just kept clicking on the signed note cos of the internal error 500 thing. plz delete them at your leisure!! can’t bear the sight of my notes cluttering up your diary

BlueEyes

October 12, 2000

I’ve often been amazed at the chasm that separates my emotional side from my spiritual side. The spiritual side says yes, this is normal and you are not to worry. My emotional side gnashes it’s teeth and cries. I

BlueEyes

October 12, 2000

I understand what you are going through, SW. When the time is right, you will cry. And not before.

Are BlueEyes and I living the same life? I’ve concluded that my emotional side is part of being human and needs to be honored, too. Thus, I cry. I’ve also decided that my spiritual side can live with that. (c)

(2)I don’t think my physical side could keep functioning if I kept denying my feelings and stuffed them down in my body. I would end up with cancer, just like all my other family members, I believe. Life is so (c)

(3)completely NOT fair. Sometimes that’s a good thing, though. I’d hate to think what my life would be like if I got everything I deserve. Even so, I understand what you’re saying. Try to roll with it, SW. XOXO

(4) I hope that doesn’t sound as lame to you as it does now to me. I’m attempting to be compassionate and caring here, but I’m not sure it came out that way. You’re in my thoughts. {{SW}} XOXO

Oh oh oh…I think I might join you. So many ‘what ifs’…I don’t even know what to say. Sending many well wishes and *hugs*. Please keep us posted. ~:)

the tears will come and go; you are in my thoughts;holding you and your Dad in the light

Dad had prosate cancer, had it treated, and 5 years later is doing very well. Go ahead, cry if you need to. Big girls DO cry. Big boys do, too. Sending you lots of hugs and you are in my prayers. Shalom,

I am sending loving thoughts your way

Oh dear. I know how you’re feeling and even when a favorite tree is cut down, its a great emotional loss. As for your father – you know him as well as anyone. Plans of action for any & every situation is needed.

HUGS {{{Sunshine Wolf}}} and saying a prayer for you, your father and his grandchildren, too.

Thinking of you. Trying to think of something funny to write to give you a laugh. I’ll keep running it in the back of my mind. 🙂

My heart goes out to you, Sunshine Wolf, and my prayers. This is such a moving entry! I wish I could come over and let you cry on my shoulder. I wish I could wave a magic wand and erase all the suffering.

Hugs,

big swampy hugs, cry a misty swamp full of tears when you do let go, if you need me to feed animals or pizza kid, just let me know. winifred

Those What if’s are devils of things, and sometimes none of them happen.

I’m so sorry SW…your fear and aprehension are very real to me too. It’s so scary, but I have cried buckets in the last couple of weeks. I can’t say it helps though. You and your Dad will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Oh, my heart is with you. The symbolism of that airplane and that tree being cut down…you are right…you will be ready for whatever comes.

The very thought of a fish named Pericles brings a smile to my lips!

Mns

October 13, 2000

oh SW, there is always that little girl inside.. *sighs* the path of living and dying isn’t always easy..i understand so well. just take it a day at a time and try not to let the “what ifs” overwhelm you. *hugs*

If it’s OK for guys to cry, ain’t no reason you shouldn’t hon. So sory for your sadness right now. Big Hugz

Keep coming to chat, I have really big shoulders. In the event that fails, eat pizza!

One of the hardest parts of being the child is that you become the adult and your parents regress to childhood. The roles are reversed and we (as the child) find it hard to handle.

But I know you will find the strength within you to be where your dad needs you, I only hope you have the strength to also be where you need you. And cry, but when the time is right.

perhaps your dream was telling you that sometimes the people in our lives need to crash and burn. it makes us stronger. and think of the tree as your father’s cancer, a spreading disease, something he needed to cut down.

thanks for leaving me a note, i wouldn’t have wanted to miss this entry and i’ve been so busy i’ve missed some lately. hugs, stay strong

sophist

October 15, 2000

It is such a tenuous balance we walk between being a child and an adult…we know it is not about us (adult) and yet we scream it IS about us; it is ALWAYS about us (child). You have my thoughts; I am sending much energy

Oh darn! Just read your note – would have LOVED to have had you! Which day is yours?

Hello, Sunshine! You are in my thoughts. Those old ocean voyages weren’t all glamour and fun. Not if you got seasick, the way I did. When I was a kid I never got sick, only as an adult.

Torin Invanusson

October 16, 2000

You speak much wisdom here, dear Sunshine. There is so much more I would say, but notes are so limited. Sigh. With an understanding and comforting hug…

Albany

October 16, 2000

I’m sorry for you with the current trauma you’re undergoing. Life seems so very unfair at times, but if you can think back about all the other problems you’ve surmounted in life, it sometimes helps.

Well Sunshine, I dont know if you cried, but I did while reading this. I’m sending thoughts of love and happiness to you. I hope for the best for you both.

my heart is full of your hurt right now, SW…I hope the love I’m sending telepathically reaches you as I meant it to…be strong, be weak, but know that we care. SDAM nsi

BBe

October 16, 2000

You have a wise spirit, and you’re even wiser to listen to it. 🙂

Crying is very good for the soul. I will keep you and your family in my prayers, my friend.

Willy & Wilma

October 16, 2000

Hope for the best and be ready for whatever,Subshine. What is needed for all who suffer from cancer is a CURE for it. Chemotherapy,surgery and a fierce will to beat it saved my Daughter from a rare 32 letter one

You are so terrific darlin. I’m sorry about all of the disorder…Much love and many hugs,

It’s not fair. That’s all I can say. Peace to you.

aaaaargh , sometimes OD can be frustrating .. i can’t hold you . hugs and prayers . my pop had 17 years with it . more hugs

PS they were 17 good years . i know that doesn’t lessen yr pain . i wish i could . cry , it’s healthy