July 25, 2000

Total Eclipse of the Heart

Theres no fool like an old fool, or so the saying goes. Ive been trying the title on and, much to my chagrin, it seems to fit: Sunshine Wolf, the old fool.

My life is very full now. My job is good and my bills get paid monthly. I work with a pleasant batch of people and may even develop a friendship or two amongst my co-workers. I am doing some things I want to do (got another Tarot class marked on the calendar) and my kids are doing well. Of course, my daughter is 13, so well is entirely a relative term. I am actually doing a bit of creative writing and enjoying it. Its not best seller material, but it aint half bad. I have a small handful of people who I count as true friends. The Open Diary has brought a dimension to my life that is so enjoyable, I wonder how I managed without it. Daddy dearest is mostly in check. There is an amazing lack of drama in my life, which I find quite novel and pleasant. I truly didnt realize that it is possible to go days on end without an emotional explosion. Yep, life is pretty damn good.

So then, you ask, wheres the rub? I thought youd never ask. Let me just tell you. My heart has a hole in it. Its not a big hole and rather oddly shaped sort of like a mini cookie cutter punch out of a Halloween ghost I believe. Ive tried to fill this hole before, only to find that the piece I though completely filled the hole was slightly misshapen and was not quite the perfect fit. Or perhaps my heart grew and the shape of the hole has changed while the plug stayed static. Or perhaps Im just nutty. I never discount that possibility!

I married twice. Neither man was a bad person. They are humans just like any other full of plusses and minuses. But the hole was never fully sealed. The pieces just didnt fit. I thought they did, but it turned out that there were leaks that expanded with time. There have also been temporary stoppers for the hole from time to time. I knew they were temporary and reveled in them for what they were. There were times when only a temporary plug would do, anything else would have been blasphemous somehow.

So now, theres this hole and I want it filled. I want a partner. I want somebody to think Im awesome by their choice, not because I gave birth to them! Im not fishing for complements or reassurances that I am a wonderful person Ive got a pretty clear idea of my strengths and weaknesses. I am just thinking out loud and wondering if Im the sort of person that will out her entire life with that hole never truly filled.

I get nostalgic about some of my temporaries..cause when they were good they were damn good. I miss the good. Then I start to forget the parts that made them unsuitable for long-term partnership and romanticize the wondrous bits. This is not healthy. It leads to me calling up old fantasies and..

I look around me and wonder how so many people seem to have found the exact right piece to stop up the holes in their hearts. I guess most people are a bit easier to live with than I am. I am (donning my spangled cape and feather boa) what is commonly called a difficult woman. At least thats what Im called when people are being nice. Im opinionated. Im intelligent. Im strong. I would guess that I can be more than a bit intimidating. Im not girlie. I dont like chick flicks (MUSH! ewwwwwww!!!!) and I am the poster child for Low Maintenance Women Anonymous. Im perfect spinster material a little different from most folks and pretty damn sure that thats OK.

I tell myself that I should learn to be content with what I have, cause what I have is pretty good. But then the wild primal wind blows through that hole in my heart.. Tonight that wind is blowing and I am feeling restless.

Is this coming off like a pity party for one? Thats not what I mean. This is not what I set out to write, but my fingers seemed to have taken on a life of their own. Not sure what set this off.maybe the fact that I burned the roof of my mouth eating pizza thats too hot for dinner tonight?

Pity party for 1? Nah. Make that for 2. I hope your writing about ur feelings has made u feel better. I know it has me (even though we’re in diff parts of the country, I don’t feel so alone) & I thank u for that. QR

BTW, thank you for the nice note. 🙂

Whatever our sexual orientation, we all have a need to “pair off” with someone. It’s natural. We humans need to be loved. That’s life. Keep looking, just don’t leap too fast. 🙂 Love + Hugs,

It will happen, how could it not for such a wonderful woman like you?

pity party NOT ! human ,yes . dave the dog said it really well . you put very beautifully what a lot of us are feeling. peace

You have to believe that you are not alone in what you seek. There are a lot of people like yourself, even in OD, that have not found that perfect piece. I truly hope you find it one day. Someone like you deserves i

(Grrrr character limits!!) deserves it. Hugz

Difficult? Let me talk to you about difficult!

What Dave the Dog said! Be Well Sunshine!

I’m sure it will happen 🙂

longing for a soul mate is not a pity party, dear lady…it is a natural longing for completeness..and you will find your someone…you have the world of your joy to offer in return..

Has anyone ever found the right fit??? Mine and I are both squashed in and ragged around the edges and… we just don’t see putting that much effort into some one else… kind of an investment… and… stop looking

if you really want someone you will find him/her/it. You sound like you’re a lot of fun when you go wild.

*grin* too hot pizza and tooo hot dishwater fred froglette, hey we’re some kinda not mush likin team aren’t we? 🙂 cept i like kid mush (no! not _that_ kind! Toad’s going to vancouver, whatcha doing the eighth of august?

i don’t know about the right fit, but i think so, anyway the world’s come to frogs and toads cavorting together, eating the same dinners, it’s bound to be scary, we’ve been avoiding this since i was 17. 🙂

Wolves mate for life…

Torin Invanusson

July 27, 2000

I know the feeling well, dear Sunshine. Unfortunately, I also know the piece that fits the hole, but circumstances, life, choices and so on keep us apart. Still, 26 years of love and friendship count for something…

I hope you find what you’re looking for. I, too, am considered by some to be a “difficult woman.” I am convinced that if I could find someone who could live with me, anyone can. =) Hugs,

No, you don’t come across like a pity party. I spent many years alone before I met Jonathan…well worth waiting for..but there’s still those moments that he’s a PHUCKING JERK! But still worth waiting for.

El Coyote Loco

Stability, strength, and love are your plusses; with those and enough exposure, you’ll find someone soon enough. Heck, if the damaged people in this world can do it, so can you! Luck!

I should join your club.

Albany

It will work out in the end.

I’m with you Sunshine. I’ve never been married and I despair sometimes of ever finding my second soul. Sometimes it hurts. (sigh) – smile.

Oh my! I’d rather worry about my thighs right now.

darkart

Sunshine Wolf the fool? Nay i must disagree, nothing could be more ill fitting than that! Sunshine Wolf, the lover, the jestor, the sharer of joy, the poet, Sunshine Wolf the human being, aye that fits now!

yep, it was the pizza! only thing it could be. take care

I believe that you are an exceptional woman, and it’s going to take an exceptional man to fill the hole! Sometimes it can happen in an instant, so be ready! Your shining knight is out there Sunshine!!

Mns

July 28, 2000

i like this entry, SW, and i’m sure you’re not alone in seeking that hole to be filled. actually, i kinda thought all women were difficult.. lol.. anyways, happy for all the good going on in your life right now 😉

Many friends and I have these same feelings – and over and over our spiritual advisors say, no, we’re not to lead solitary lives, and change is on the way. We’ll see… from one “difficult” to another…:-)

I don’t see a pity party here at all. I’ve thought many of these very same things myself. I think if you look closely though, many people’s plugs don’t fit quite right. You’re not alone on this one. ~:)

We are complex creatures SW.The answer(s)for you will be unique. As for myself,the feelings of ‘wholeness’ have never come from the really special ladies I have been fortunate to know.

I finnaly decided that my hole couldn’t be filled by someone else, only me. If I keep my own hole filled, than good things happen in all my relationships. You know that your soul mate’s out there, see if you can dream about him.

I felt the same way you do. I wanted someone to love me as much as I loved him. I waited a long time and waded through some swampy guys.

I needed to see what I didn’t want in order for me to truly see what I did want. He’s not gorgeous, or wealthy, but he loves me as much as I love him

It’s sad to say a few years ago, I would have overlooked him, Thank Goddess I didn’t