There’s These People

My friend, Mercedes, buzzed into town last week. We have been friends since we were 9 years old – this is my friendship of longest duration. We understand each other perfectly – so perfectly, in fact, that we both realize that if we did not share such a LOOOOONG history, we probably wouldn’t like each other! She’s right, I’m left. I’m up, she’s down. She’s all facts and figures, I’m all thoughts and feelings. It’s interesting, to say the least. Somehow we always manage to find some sort of common ground – at least temporarily. For my part, I ignore a lot……and I would guess the same could be said for her.

As seems to be the custom when she blows into town for a couple of days, we arranged to meet a couple that were friends in our high school days. He was my first ‘real’ boyfriend. He’s the one I first…. Never mind – too much information for you guys on that topic! She is his wife – a couple years younger and so always on the fringes of our crowd back then. I’ll call them Bonnie and Clyde.

Clyde’s father died recently and his mom has Alzheimer’s. Mom came to live with Bonnie & Clyde. Bonnie gave up her job to become full time caretaker. This has been going on since roughly the beginning of the year. I tried to warn Bonnie how difficult this would be to try and prepare her….but she was caught up in visions of herself as a rescuing angel and didn’t give any weight to my words.

Thursday night B & C managed to get a ‘sitter’ for Mom and join us for dinner at a small Mexican restaurant near their house. They arrived before Mercedes and I did and were already 2 LARGE beers ahead of us. We spent the next 2 hours being regaled with the Mom Chronicles. Poor Bonnie is at wits end. She adores Clyde though and does this because it will please him. She is still under the impression that love means giving up everything you are for the person you love.

Did I mention that Bonnie doesn’t really like me? Oh she tries, but always falls just a bit short. It’s really a bit amusing. My guess is that she is still a bit wary over the relationship that Clyde & I once had. We had a very strong mental connection which is still very much in evidence, even when we don’t see each other for years. We communicate easily with just a couple of words and a few looks. We understand each other well. It’s not suppressed love, it’s understanding and acceptance.

A month or so ago I felt that I should check on Bonnie & see how the caretaking of Mom was going. I listened with empathy and let her dump. Then, having done my good deed, I said good-bye. I figured I’d call again in a few months and let her dump again. I call when Clyde is at work so she can say whatever she feels like. As we’re having dinner out came a reference to the phone conversation…..”Why SW called the other day and she was so NICE, I didn’t even know it was her!”

I smiled at her sweetly and did not throw my beer at her. I am, after all, NICE. I heard a lot of tales of Mom…..and a lot more. I heard that Bonnie & Clyde have 2 very different ideas of what exactly will signal the point when Mom will need more care than can be given at home. I heard that Clyde does not truly understand just how difficult it is for Bonnie. I heard that Bonnie was feeling herself drowning. I heard that Clyde didn’t truly understand those feelings. I heard all those things, even though none of it was explicitly stated.

Two hours of non-stop conversation regarding the difficulty of being a 100% caretaker for Mom later, it was time to go. Bonnie was sloshed. Stress (and beer) were oozing from every pore of her body. I grabbed Clyde’s arm and asked him if they need some help. He nodded towards Bonnie, meaning for me to ask her. I pulled an unsteady Bonnie aside. “Bonnie, I’ll be out of town for the next 2 weekends, but when I get back, would you like me to come sit with Mom on a Sunday afternoon so you and Clyde can get out of the house together for a change?”

Did I mention that they live a very solitary sort of existence? They don’t socialize with other folks, they don’t go out. They have each other and that’s enough for them. Or at least it was while Bonnie still had contact with the outside world through her job. Now, I’m not so sure….. Anyway, I didn’t completely get the sentence out of my mouth before she was hugging me and accepting my offer.

I spoke briefly again to Clyde, repeating my offer to him. He was pleased and I agreed to call later to set up a get-to-know-Mom session. We all went our respective ways for the evening.

So now, I have volunteered to help out on what I feel will become a semi-regular basis. I have given Bonnie more cause to be surprised that I am actually capable of being “nice”. (You guys never doubted it for a minute, right? No….really! I mean it. You know I can be, dontcha??) And I am wondering why I feel so empathetic for a woman who really does not care for me. And the wheel continues to turn.