Not to be Outdone – Blossom Articulates

Hi, My name’s Blossom and I’m a shar-pei. That’s a dog, you know. I am a dog. I am cute and loveable. I never do anything wrong. It’s all those wretched cats. They do stuff and I get in trouble. It’s not my fault. I can’t help myself. It just happens. Really. I’m a good girl. The best. Nobody’s better than me. I love my momma. I get so upset when she leaves the apartment without me that I can’t help but poopie on the floor. It’s the cats’ fault. Really. See, they tease me. They sit way up high looking all smug and superior. And they taunt me. The stress is SO unreal! If my momma isn’t there to keep me sane, something just happens! Then there’s poopie on the floor and somehow it’s my fault! Life is not fair.

My momma has been home for a few weeks and I have really had fun. I sleep on the boy’s bed, cause he’s not here. When he comes home I have to sleep on the couch. I like his bed better, but he won’t share.

Wait a minute! There goes the cat! GOTTA CHASE IT!! Be back….right back. Gonna get it this time……

Damn cat! She went and hid on me. And cause she made me chase her, I knocked over 2 plants. Momma sure will be mad when she gets back in here. I think I’ll just go in the other room and pretend I never saw the mess. Yeah! That’ll work.

Did I hear my dinner dish? I think I did! Woo-hoo! Hang on – be right back……..

That was my dinner dish all right – the stupid little cat was sitting in it! Had her butt right there in my dish! I chased her good! Got her in the corner, and I was gonna chomp down good. but she got my NOSE! Now I have cat germs in my nose! Maybe momma will come out and kiss it for me?

I wanna play. Those stupid cats don’t know how to play. All I want to do is get hold of them and drag them around the house a little bit – just like I do my stuffed fox. It would be lots of fun. Cats aren’t any fun to play with. If they’d just let me chew on them a little bit – I wouldn’t hurt them – really! Not much anyway….not on purpose. Sometimes accidents happen.

I hear momma. You think she’s coming out here now? Oh I hope so! I sure missed her today. I sat in the bedroom window and watched for her. I almost pushed the screen out and fell when she came home! That would have been bad – 3 floors ia a long way to fall. But I’d do it for my momma! She feeds me and takes me for walks. She didn’t even get mad when I bit that one person. It wasn’t her fault I had to go to jail for that. I know it wasn’t. Momma wouldn’t let that happen to me. She loves me. Why I remember……..be right back – gonna go sneak up on the cat. She’s just where I can get her……….

Stupid cat! How’d she hear me coming? Now she’s just lying there on the back of the couch sneering at me. I hate sneering cats! That’s OK. Tomorrow momma will go back to work again and I’ll be queen of the house. I’ll chase those stupid cats and I’ll catch em! They won’t even get their claws in my nose! I know. Momma has this book on visualization and I’ve been practicing real hard. See the cat. See the cat in my mouth. See me trotting through the apartment tossing the cat around. See me catching BOTH cats. I can do it! I can do it! I AM SUPER SHAR-PEI!!!! I wish you could hear my growl – it’s very impressive. How come the cats are both laughing at me?

I better go get some sleep cause tomorrow is gonna be a busy day. After breakfast at the litter box café, I’ll have a full day of lying in the sun by the big window to get my energy up and then those cats are toast!!!!