Ritualistic Flirting With Success

The last two days have been rather uplifting, in spite of myself. My rituals are paying off. What rituals you say? Well please, let me describe them to you.

RITUAL NUMBER ONE: The Grand and Glorious Sending of the Resumes. This is the ritual I have spent the most time performing for the last three weeks. I have scoured the peaks and valleys of the internet looking for appropriate altars upon which to offer up my resume. Some of the Employment Gods are kind and require small offerings, while others are cruel and demanding masters requiring burnt offerings. Those Gods requiring burnt offerings have been invited to my house for dinner since burnt offerings are on the menu regularly. THE PAYOFF: I have spoken to at least 20 terrestrial representatives of the Employment Gods. Three of these have actually invited me to Interview Summit. I have two more invitations to that sacred ground next week. I am getting to indulge my ego by talking about myself incessantly.

RITUAL NUMBER TWO: Self Flagellation. This one is less pleasurable, if you can imagine that, than Ritual Number One. It involves long periods, usually alone in my bed on sleepless nights, of examining not only every weakness I know I have, but also of every weakness that I ever thought I might have. I have learned quite a bit, to say the least. For example, it is possible that categorizing all bosses as idiots by virtue of the fact that they are MY boss may actually be counterproductive. THE PAYOFF: Can I get back to you on this one?

RITUAL NUMBER THREE: Consulting the Oracle. Another fun activity. Didn’t I read somewhere that rituals were positive things? So how come they’re such a pain in the lower rear region? This particular ritual is an exercise in futility because the Oracle is flawed and in error. I did not make a mistake by striking out on my own and I am not doomed to fail. I simply consult the oracle in deference to his previous contributions to my well being and because the Oracle, when massaged in appropriate manners, con be persuaded to lend temporary monetary relief to my cause. Odd just how much the Oracle resembles my father, isn’t it? THE PAYOFF: I live to fight another day…..and pay my bills while I’m at it.

RITUAL NUMBER FOUR: Rendering Unto Cesar (with the appropriate attitude of thankfulness and gratitude) This is an annual ritual. I completed it today. Guess what? Cesar owes me a hefty chunk! You gotta love Cesar. Of course Cesar will be slow to pay. It seems that a hand can dip into someone else’s pocket quicker than it can dip into your own. I believe that is actually one of Newton’s laws of physics. THE PAYOFF: A bill or two paid off, a birthday present for my baby boy, dinner out and (dare I say it?) maybe a new computer. All of this is, of course, dependent on Ritual Number One producing measurable and favorable results.

RITUAL NUMBER FIVE: Cleanliness is Next to Godliness. Yes, the carpets have been shampooed – several times. I am managing to keep ahead of the dog – just barely – in cleaning out the snack bar (aka the kitty litter box). Dishes are washed. The desk is clean. The plants are watered (and looking rather the worse for it…..guess they’ve learned to thrive on abuse). The floors are mopped and my daughter’s bathroom has been dynamited and fumigated. THE PAYOFF: I am sure that I will earn the Suzy Homemaker Award for the month. What more could anyone hope for?

RITUAL NUMBER SIX: Worshiping at the Altar of Oprah (and Maury, Montel, Sally, Rosie, Ricki, Jenny, Donny and Marie) Spending any time at home makes this worship a requisite. It has mind altering effects. THE PAYOFF: Huh? What you talking about? I got game! Don’t you be thinkin’ you’s all that! Not only that, but the book club selections aren’t bad.

RITUAL NUMBER SEVEN: The Greeting of the Teenager. This one is rather fun. I have spent much time with my daughter. There is a minute possibility coming to light that she may actually be a humanoid after all. THE PAYOFF: More smiles and hugs

Seven’s the magic number. Those are my rituals. I had a good interview yesterday which I hope will secure me a job offer by the end of next week. I have a phone interview Monday which, should it produce a job offer, will take me back to Florida. I don’t mind that as long as I have a good job. I have a good possibility of starting a contract position Monday or Tuesday. It’s not what I want long term, but right a little short term cash is just what the doctor ordered while I focus on long term. Uncle Sam owes me money! Woo HOOOOOOOO! I had put off doing my taxes because I was sure I’d be the debtor. I may get to meet up with another diarist next week for a beer and a chat, which would be wonderful! You guys are the best and have really helped me keep my focus and sanity with your notes, emails, support, energy and love. Chuck Norris is whipping evil’s ass on tv…..and all is right with the world.