Sunshine Wolf
April 1, 2000

Where I am – Thinking Aloud 2

Before I called I thought out several alternative plans. I considered going back to Florida, but knew that if I did I would be locked in there permanently this time. If I left again it would destroy my father and any relationship we have. This time I would have to live with him I’m sure. That means my daughter and I sharing a bedroom and trying to incorporate my 2 cats and 1 dog into his household as well. He has a cat as well. I would be even more under his thumb without a space to call my own. Of course this would allow me some time to possibly catch up on bills…….There are positives and negatives, as always. I could ask him to loan me a finite sum of money that would help me with the bills and support me as I look for another job. One possibility – but I am very bad with money. If I have it, I will spend it, so I’m not sure that the end I envisioned would be the end that actually came true. I could ask for temporary support while I look for yet another job. I wouldn’t have to move my daughter again. This is a good job market so I should be able to be employed again soon. I didn’t know what to do, but I started looking for a job. I started getting feedback almost immediately. It was much quicker this time than last. I have an interview Tuesday. That made me feel a little better and I finally caved in and called Daddy.

I am either an eternal optimist or a fool. I guess it’s a 50-50 shot either way. What I hoped for was that there would be some small grain of sympathy and understanding and an intelligent conversation about alternatives. I expected a little anger, but hoped that it would be short lived. BUZZ!!!! WRONG ANSWER! I got berated, told how stupid I was for even leaving and trying for my own life. I was told that he had been more than generous over all the years (by the way – this last couple of years is the only time in my life that I have depended on him for anything – ever) and he simply could not continue to help me out. “People” have told him that he’s stupid for helping me out. Who will he have when he can’t take care of himself? If he helps me any more he’ll be homeless. (His net worth is easily over a million dollars – he has no debts, not even a mortgage). I screw up and he pays. I did mention that I was paying as well….but somehow that thought didn’t penetrate. I use and abuse him to support myself in a lifestyle to which I’d like to become accustomed. I had been told that it was stupid for me to move and therefor I was stupid to try. I could just formulate a plan and call him back when I had it. Good-bye.

So here I am, proof of the Golden Rule – “He who has the gold, makes the rules”. I allowed myself to get into this position. I put myself there. Incredible considering that my largest life issue is autonomy. I hate to be controlled. I have to have control of my life – I must. You cannot TELL me what to do. If I feel that this is what is happening I may very well do the opposite whether or not it’s to my detriment. (Take my first marriage as a living color example of that point!) I have had this lesson hammered into me full force here lately. All the run-ins I have had with authority figures….my daughter’s school, the idiot neighbor, my job, even Abercrombie & Fitch. It has been in my face weekly. Yes, I am stubborn. I freely admit that. The universe is also very aware of that and has been beating me with a baseball bat to get my attention. OK! My attention is gotten. So now what?

What do I do, where do I go, how do I retain some shred of sanity? This is very hard as I try to rationalize. I am not a “bad” person and have never done “bad” things in a big way. I have never sought escape or solace in drugs or alcohol. I loved my grandmother very much and took care of her in the last years of her life. I have always been there when my father needed me – always. I have tried to teach my kids values and how to think for themselves. I don’t break laws. I have tried to support my friends always and have literally opened my house and my wallet to friends and acquaintances who have run up on tough times. I am not a fan of organized religion, but I try to be a spiritual and moral person, and a tolerant one. I am far from a saint, but my biggest sin is probably mediocrity and headstrong poor decisions. So what am I doing wrong? How do I fix it?

This has been very hard to write and it will be even harder to post. All I can see is the word FAILURE blinking in red neon lights across my forehead. I don’t want to be a failure, I don’t want to be perceived as one. It’s hard to come face to face with the idea that I have failed – again.

So now what do I do? Well, I have to come up with a plan for my father. The catch is that he already has the only acceptable plan laid out in his head and I know what it is. So how do I make enough changes to that plan to allow me to maintain a shred of dignity? How do I hold my head up and go on? I haven’t got the faintest clue.

Log in to write a note

Not A Failure … if the previous is not blinking in red … it was supposed to. This was thought provoking and will help many. —

YOu are not a failure Sunshine Wolf darling. I’ll be in atlanta this weekend with Asha. You are invited to go frog hopping with us. As for your plan, it has to be yours! or emotionally it will not be YOU.

Knowing what to do is within your grasp. You, who do not like to be told what to do, are in charge of your own destiny. Hotlanta is sure to have a position, and not just a job for you.

You are a successyou are a successyou are a successyou are a success you are a success you are a success You are a SUCCESS money is not the measure of success darlin

*waves* all of those, are of course from me, RIBBIT!You are a successYou are a success Just ask your daughter and your fans here at OD. Your son, and you cats and dog.

Being unemployed is scary, but the right job will come along. Maybe Tuesday you will find it. I also have a stubborn streak and like to be independent. I would tell dad to keep his money and I would try and

panhandle in the street before I took anything. Of course that is old hardheaded me. Sounds like you have quite a few decisions to make, but I’m sure you will do what makes you proud of yourself.

Living in an abusive marriage can be so damaging for self esteem and ego. Sounds like you have made a long journey in bettering yourself since that ordeal. Hugs to you.

OH and btw, Tuesday is frog day! It will just HAVE to be a ribbbitting good day!!!! 🙂 Love, You are a SuccessYour are a Success

Lady, I have so much respect for you, it is boundless..I trust my discriminating taste…youa re one of the strongest MOST SUCCESSFUL people i know.. You have always found a way. You will again. I have the UTMOST FAITH in you..(((((HUGS!!)))) [Chrysalis]A

You’ll be the cherries floating in a bowl of creame in no time! 🙂 Moooovin on up!

You are no failure. Ask your kids, hell, ask yourself! You know you haven’t failed. So life hasn’t been THAT kind to you. You will bounce back, you have done before, but do it for YOU! Hugz

In the words of the imortal Joan Rivers “can we talk?”… Failure? No. SUCCESS, YES! Look what you have come through and found yourself on top of. Failure is not trying, giving up. That isn’t you at all!

Walking right beside you, here anytime you need, along with all your other friends here at OD. I think stubborness and hardheadedness are just other ways of saying DETERMINED, you’ve got what it takes to succeed!

A thought that will seem ridiculous right now — Let go! Stop trying to figure out how to fix it and just tread the path before you. That, my dear, is success. The Universe WILL provide. Let go and fall, the net is

Not a failure Sunshine, but simply another valuable lesson to learn from, whatever that is!! Take those damn sour lemons and add a little sugar to them, and have a glass of lemonade!! You can do it!!!

Ditto all the other noteleavers sweetie. U r NOT a failure. What to do? Unfortunately only u can answer that. Have u discussed all of it w/ur daughter? This is afterall something that affects both of u.

But I do think brainstorming is beneficial so asking here for suggestions is good. Then u can pick & choose an idea that u might could grow into something that meets ur needs. Along those lines…

Not much else I can say… but agree with all of above. YOU ARE THE BEST AT WHAT YOU ARE… YOU!!! (and check your email..LOL)***HUGS***

Have u thought of checking ads for a roommate? Maybe living w/an older person- who has a big house-and would give room & board to ya’ll for running errands & helping w/chores, etc. Call area churches & local

agencies to see what kind of temporary financial support is available as some churches have ministries that support the unemployed in the community. Your skill for writing- submit articles to magazines &

the local newspaper, check out readers digest- they offer decent bucks for small items which could help out until u find another job, take anything u can get as a start so income will be coming in & then keep

searching. What about unemployment? Do you qualify? Above all else, think positive and believe in yourself!!! You will make it because you have to. There is no other acceptable alternative. I wish you

peace, strength, many choices & a good job where you can find happiness and fullfillment. I send u much love.

I read what you wrote and fell apart. I see so much of myself in what you write. Some of us are pushed or sometimes even stray in the wrong direction at times…but we are destined to find our own way.

Thanks for your response on choking…I laughed soooo hard!!!!! Your soul sista’ —>

bullshit, bullshit, bullshit…sorry, sweetheart, but ANYBODY who makes YOU feel this way is SO WRONG! I will never, ever speak against your dad…he’s a precious part of your life, but in this, he’s wrong!

sophist
April 2, 2000

it has nothing to do with failure; it has to do with choices. And you can do it. You can do it. You HAVE done it and you can do it again. I’m here to listen if you want a caring ear *hug*

Hey SW- wanna grab a beer? (MY TREAT!) I’ll even drive way up north, wherever you are…Please, Please let me know… I’d love to meet you.. and more then that, love to listen and learn, as I have faith :O)

I have faith in you for bringing yourself and your kids where you are now, and I have faith in the fact that you will find your way. Anyways… Please let me know if you are up for anything… I’m right here!

A bind yes, but not one that is impossible. Perhaps if things become dire enough, state assistance until you can find your feet again? A roommate is also a good idea; maybe a housing co-op?

..and this was very hard to read; very painful. I imagine it was also difficult to write. My thoughts are with you.

I do find ice cream rather lovely. 🙂

I’ll bring you some. Really. 🙂 Even after you tried to drown me at Tuppences. Why did the cow cross the road?

Torin Invanusson
April 3, 2000

How do you define success for yourself, dear Wolf? Blessings on you, and adieu for a time. With a warm hug…

SW, Sorry to hear of your transient difficulties. You live in Atlanta and the unemployment rate is near zero, you are magic and wonderful, have faith in the Goddess darlin! You’ll find something wonderful! Love,

Dear Wonderful Sunshine Wolf, that’s a halo blinking at you, not words that don’t belong with you.

Don’t let anyone saddle you with the “F” word, Sunshine. You are obviously a fine human being, but one who has made some mistakes, as all of us have. The right way will be revealed to you.

BlueEyes
April 3, 2000

Well, love, if failure means that you don’t live by someone else’s rules, then I am a big failure too. Your personal astrologer says to hang in cuz there are very bright things going to happen. New, but bright.

Declare your own autonomy…regardless the cost. I have lost my mother, three brothers, an aunt and two cousins because I refuse to be who THEY want me to be…the hardest thing…but I have my dignity.

You’ll find another job; that’s one thing this city is good for. Tell you what… I’ll move to Florida, and you can stay here.

Delighted to meet you and add my voice to those of your many, many friends

You can do this on your own, facing the fear is the worst part. Don’t give all your power to your Father. I didn’t see failure anywhere in any part of your diary. It sounds like you’ve been through a lot,SUCCESSFULLY!

Oh S.W.! What can I say that hasn’t been said here? This city is covered up in jobs. You’re gonna have your pick. Wishing you strength and peace… ~:)

Hi Sunny Wolf! (one of my favorite-est friends on OD! lol) So now we have to hunt down that diary for the answers to my questions! Damn…okay we have like 50 grand to go through…

you take the high road and I’ll take the low road and we’ll meet somewhere in the year 2050 !!! LOL

You are NOT a failiure. You are a good person, and I respect you and am in awe of you. I pray your interview goes well and that you have a job soon and

don’t have to rely on your father’s (merciless) mercy….I repeat; YOU ARE NOT A FAILIURE!!! 🙂 Love + Hugs,

Wow. Look at all the encouragement & support. Your one special person. Ditto all the other noteleavers. {{{Hugs}}}

Willy & Wilma
April 3, 2000

Unless you own the company you can’t be the boss.

no way are you or will you ever be a failure, SW. Life has its ups and downs. This is a down moment. The up will be way up. Sending more hugs…

Dear Sunshine wolf…you have so much potential. There are more jobs out there right now than ever before. Chin up. You will make it. YOU CAN DO IT!!! Sending {{{{HUGS}}}} your way.

That was me, Boopster, not signed in! See all the support you are getting here in the OD? You can do your thinking out loud any ole time you want! I’m glad you took the steps to share with us.

Please keep us posted on how your life goes. We wish you all the best, dear Sunshine Wolf!

You do have the strength…and the courage…take a deep breath… (bungee)

Know this…no matter what plan you come up with, it’s going to be wrong (to your dad)…so make sure it’s a plan that YOU can make work…and forge forward. What message are you giving your daughter if you don’t (Bungee)

Gee SWolf, look at all these notes. You don’t sound like a failure to me. You’ve survived alot and you’ll do it again. Sometimes dads don’t know how to let go and do it all wrong. You’ve supported yourself…

.. and yr children through all and you’ll continue to do so. Fate is thumping you but soon it will find someone else to dump on – Maybe I’ll see you on Tuppence’s bus soon. 😉

Awww…thanks for the cheer! LOL How are things girl?

My response to you is coming by e-mail. “Courage to change the things I can….” P&L,

Thanks for your interest is us. We had an absolutely wonderful weekend. ~~Kara~~

You’re right about the arrogance thing. That’s what incensed me most about him. Well…I don’t plan on caling his ass anymore. Glad to hear you’re hanging in!

I’ve been re-reading your entry and am doing a slow burn about your father’s attitude. You need to get back on your feet as soon as possible, get that job, get back your independence, take care of your daughter, pinch those pennies.

Somebunny loves you!

it’ll happen

Very little consolation right now in hearing how wonderful I think you are. You have already shown great courage & strength in your life, try to consider this just another empass. E-mail en route. Love

Have you seen what happened at the stock market today?

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