Where I am-Thinking Aloud 1

Things here are totally screwed up. Can’t make it much plainer than that, can I? Since talking things out is often a good way to lead yourself to answers, I am going to try ‘talking’ this out here. I have no idea where to start. Yes, I know, start at the beginning.

Start at the beginning, well that’s part of the trouble. The situation I find myself in now has no cut and dried beginning that I can go to and say “See? Right there – THAT’s where the trouble started.” Of course not. That would make things a bit easier to figure out, and we wouldn’t want that would we?

OK, let’s try it this way-they symptoms. Right now I find myself unemployed once again. Hell of a symptom, no? So now I am sitting at the bottom of an abyss trying to figure out how I got here. If I can find the path I took down it will surely lead me to the path back up. At least that seems logical.

I left an emotionally abusive marriage in 1997. I moved to the next town but stayed in Tennessee to allow my son to enjoy his senior year of high school. I was supporting myself in Tennessee, but was the highest qualified and lowest paid person in my position. The outlook was no brighter for the future. I had been with that company 6 years and the situation had not improved. At the end of the school year I decided to go back home to Florida. My dad was elated and helped me out by putting a down payment on a house for me just 6 blocks from him and paying my moving expenses. He further supported me for several months while I wallowed in indecision. I played at looking for a job, but didn’t put any serious effort into it. I didn’t have an extra ten cents, but I had a roof and food.

Just as I left Tennessee, my ex lost his job. I lost the child support payments that were enabling me to pay my rent. Damn good thing I was already planning to move to Florida, wasn’t it? He subsequently filed for bankruptcy, totally ruining my credit in the process. Me, the person who had never had a late payment on her credit record, now cannot borrow the price of a donut. Was I angry ? You betcha.!

Now about my father. While it’s true that he supported me and went what was way above what many parents might have done, I did not receive aid without price. I owed my very being to him. Every move I made was subject to his critique. He had keys to the house and would arrive unannounced at all hours of the day and night with no notice and without knocking. Suddenly, he was just there. Whatever had been on my agenda had to be put off to accommodate him. I mowed my grass on his schedule. I was there for whatever he felt he needed. I was physically safe and emotionally destroyed. I gave more weight to the safety and stayed in the pattern. For the first time since I was 16 I did not go to work every day. I was home every day when my daughter got home from school. There were trade offs, but I didn’t see a way out. If I went to work at a job that didn’t quite pay my bills my father would cover the difference, but I would be no better off. He would give me just enough to stay at that same subsistence level, but no more. So exactly why SHOULD I work if it gained me nothing?

Then along came the possibility of a job in Atlanta. An old friend contacted me, I interviewed and received an offer. The money was enough for me to support myself and my daughter. I could regain my self-esteem. How could I say no? Things fell into place rapidly. My house sold the day after I put it on the market. I found a place to live right away. My son was leaning towards going back to Tennessee, but he would only be 3 hours away rather than the 10 hours away he’d be if I were still in Florida. We were all very excited – except for my father. He was furious. He was hurt. He immediately cut off every penny that he had been giving me. If it hadn’t been for my tax return, I’d have been in deep doo-doo. I wanted him to be glad for me. All he felt was betrayal. Nothing I could say made any difference. He flat out told me that there was time enough for me to start having a life after he died.

I moved and things were great for a while. Then I lost my job. I was terrified, but my dad helped me out until I got another job. Things got better again, but my new job was frustrating beyond belief. I spent a lot of time angry. I worked longer and longer hours and my daughter was left to her own devices more and more. Still, I didn’t think I’d be unemployed again. That happened a week ago. I didn’t call my father to tell him until last night.