Clawing My Way Out

Oh my Lord – you will NEVER – never in a million years – believe what happened to me and where I’ve been! I hesitate to write it out here, because it was such a harrowing experience, but I feel the need to share the experience with someone. You know how it is – when you tell somebody else about a frightening experience, somehow it helps exorcise the demons from inside of you. So be forewarned…..what follows is not a pretty story, but I just have to get it out.

Last weekend my curiosity got the better of my common sense and I opened my daughter’s bedroom door while she wasn’t home. There was a small clear space right inside the door so I stepped in. Unthinkingly, I let the door shut behind me. Over in the corner I saw something that looked my missing kitchen shears so I took a step in that direction. Immediately my progress was halted by an insurmountable mound of clothing. I am fairly certain that every piece of clothing she has acquired in her 13 years of living was in that mountain. I started to climb over it, but soon grew tired. I decided to try and go around it because I was determined to regain my kitchen shears.

As I moved to the left, the mound seemed to move with me. I stopped dead in my tracks. Obviously this was no ordinary pile of dirty laundry. Perhaps I didn’t need my kitchen shears after all. I looked at my watch – yep, there was still enough time to make it to Wal-Mart to purchase a new pair. I turned around and headed back towards the door. At least I thought that was where I was heading.

Twenty minutes later, I was still in my daughter’s room, still hadn’t found the door and was still being stalked by a living mountain of clothing. I swear it’s true. I am not given to panic in most circumstances so I sat down to think. Whatever I sat on seemed to have structure, so I started pushing around the stuffed animals and beanie babies, empty pizza boxes and bottles of nail polish to see if I could identify exactly what it was that I had placed my butt upon. I saw Winnie the Pooh faces peering up at me. Aha! It seems I had found the bed. At least, the last time I saw the bed it had a Winnie the Pooh comforter on it. It felt like the bed. Rather than dwell on other possibilities, I decided that it was most definitely the bed.

I sat there trying to figure out what to do. Should I call for help? The window probably wasn’t open so no one would hear me. How about pounding on the floor ? That ought to at least piss the downstairs neighbors off enough that they call the office to complain. Oh wait – the downstairs neighbors moved out last week. Just my luck.

I contemplated getting up to try and find the door again…but I was growing faint from hunger. Given my experience so far, I was going to need some nourishment and fortification. Luckily for me, I know my daughter’s habits fairly well so I was pretty sure I could find a smorgasbord of half drunk beverages, open boxes of crackers, maybe even a loaf of bread or some pizza that was less than a month old. My motherly intuition paid off and soon I was munching on mini Snickers bars (I think they were left over from last Easter) and drinking a Dr. Pepper that amazingly still had a little fizz in it. Perhaps either the candy or Dr. Pepper had started to ferment, because I started to feel a little light-headed. I lay down on the bed – wedged in between the wall and a large purple teddy bear, fell asleep and began to dream.

In my dreams I was in a familiar place. I couldn’t quite recognize it, but I knew I had seen it before. I looked around – wait! I recognize that piece of furniture – it’s my daughter’s dresser! I looked some more……surely this couldn’t be my daughter’s room. The furniture looked familiar, but there was not one piece of clothing on the floor, the shoes were all neatly in the shoe racks inside of the closet, the bed was made and there was no food anywhere in sight. The cordless phone was even in it’s charger for heaven’s sake! There were no posters of Back Street Boys or Tupac on the walls. I shuddered in my dream. Oh this was too good to be true – it must be evil. I woke up in a cold sweat.

Once I recovered from my nightmare, I began to look for the door once again….keeping one eye on the shifting mountain of clothing at all times. I had no desire to be overtaken by 13 years worth of dirty clothes and sucked down into laundry hell. I turned right, I turned left. My feet grew tired and my body grew weary, but I was determined. Determined! Do you hear me?! I was going to find the door and escape!

As I got tired, I got careless. My foot snagged on a pair of platform tennies and I fell. On the way down I hit my head and blacked out. When I woke up and looked around, I saw that what I had hit my head on was actually the doorknob. It had been obscured by the 6 or 7 towels hung on it. Eureka! I was saved!!!

Imagine my shock, when I emerged and checked my watch, the clock, the calendar on my computer……and found that I had been lost in that formidable maze for an entire week! Apparently no one missed me much. My daughter and I see very little of each other during the week – she probably thought I was working extra hours. Work probably thought I had reached burn-out point and was taking a much needed break.

As for me – I am a changed woman. I now know what is meant by the phrase curiosity killed the cat……it very nearly killed an inquiring mother. Never again will I go into my daughter’s room without a guide and a month’s worth of supplies. I swear it.