The Boss Lady’s Sense of Humor

Well now, things have changed at my new job. Prior to this week I was in charge of things. You know, why isn’t that thing done? When can we do that thing? What is the status on that thing? We gotta get that thing done now. Hey! Where did that thing go?

This week my status has changed. The former Queen of Things is now High Priestess of People. I know, I know. It’s a difficult picture to wrap one’s mind around. Nonetheless, I speak the truth. I am now in charge of a whole slew of people. OK – so it was 11 at last count, but slew is a relative term, don’t you think?

This amazing news was given to me last week. It is a direct result of me flapping my gums and telling folks that there needs to be a change in the way we do things. Has anybody ever heard the time honored advice “Be careful what you wish for because you might get it”? I am walking, talking proof that there is truth in time honored advice.

Micro-seconds after the Pres delivered the news to me my brain was in motion. I had put my both my personal and professional reputations on the line. What should my course of action be? I need to produce the results I claim are possible. Policies and procedures swirled in my head doing the mambo. My toes began to tap and my head to bob. The Pres looked at me a little bewildered. “I’m counting on you SW. I am holding you accountable and giving you the authority to produce results. “ “Ummm, SW, are you listening? SW?”

What?! I had been momentarily lost in planning my Priestesshood. No problem, Boss. I’ve got it all under control. I left his office, doing a final little cha-cha step on the way. Back at my desk I open up Word so I can begin setting the NEW AND IMPROVED policies and procedures on paper.

1. It is my responsibility to know where you are and what you’re doing. To achieve this, it will now be necessary for each of you to check in at my desk each morning. It would be in your best interest to bring gifts of food, Cadbury Fruit & Nut preferred, and leave them on my credenza. Since I don’t yet have a credenza, just put them anywhere on my desk where they won’t gum up my keyboard.

2. Any action you take which has the effect of making me look good will now be deemed appropriate.

3. Excessive joy and happiness are mandatory each and every day. Any breech of this standard of conduct will be punishable by making the offending employee the temporary Boss Priestess for a day. If that doesn’t improve their outlook, then the employee is indeed too far gone to be salvageable.

4. Work hard, play harder.

5. It will not be necessary, except in very formal meetings and when in the presence of customers, to address me as Goddess. Most-honored-and-wise-Priestess will suffice.

6. I care. If you have a problem I will help you work through it. If I have a problem, you will all suffer – equally. I am nothing, if not fair.

7. I was once a girl scout AND a boy scout (don’t ask). I still by the motto Be Prepared. I would add two words to it. Be Prepared……for anything.

8. Communication is the most important tool we have. Use it. God made phones, e-mails, faxes and mouths for a reason. The reason is to communicate to me that everything that you have been assigned to do has, in fact, been done.

9. It is not necessary to kiss my ring. I don’t wear any rings. If you feel the need to kiss something, I would suggest it be each other. Love is a great team builder. Notice I said Love, not sex.

10. If the Priestess is happy, everybody’s happy!

With a cornerstone set of policies and procedures like this, I am sure to be marked for upper management. And in the process, I may even get a little extra Cadbury. Life is good at the top!