The Headache

I can remember my grandmother, when she was well into her nineties, proclaiming proudly that she had never suffered from “The Headache”. That’s just what she called it. It was called The Headache, putting it in the same genre as The Measles, The Flu, and The Plague.

I, on the other hand, have regular bouts with headaches. I used to pop Darvon like candy. I have had brain scans. (Of course they told me this was to search for a cause for my headaches. I have my doubts. I think they wanted to confirm that I actually had a brain.) I have suffered migraines so bad that, even with my eyes closed, light hurt my eyes and the mere breathing of another person in the room with me would cause tears of agony to roll out of my eyes. Those seem to be behind me now – I haven’t had one in years. What I suffer with instead are called cluster headaches. I am not sure where that name came from. What comes immediately to mind is the term “cluster f*@#”. That’s pretty much what it feels like. It is somewhat better than a migraine. Breathing in the same room with me is safe. Tears of agony only come when someone moves in the same room.

Since this afternoon I have been dealing with my first headache of the millennium. I want nothing so much as to rip my head off my neck so I won’t have to feel the pain any more. I’m all out of “good” drugs and so am eating Excedrin at a rate guaranteed to pickle my stomach. I am not in the best humor and have put a sign on my bedroom door – ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK – NO LIFEGUARD ON DUTY.

This headache came upon me as I took my daughter shopping this afternoon to finish spending her Christmas cash. She brought along a friend. The friend has a little brother that had to go too cause their mom was not going to be home. I’m not sure, but I think the combination of those 3 kids is what did this to me.

“She’s making fun of me!”

“I am not, you dirty taco!”

“I think the store we want is right there next to the toy store.”

“Mom, I’m getting fat – these are a size 7!”

“I’m hungry”

“This isn’t a Prep store, is it?”

“Where’s Jordan?”

“Those are OLD LADY jeans – they don’t flare!”

“I’m sure it’s right over there – next to the toy store.”

“Can you lend me some money?”

Slap! “I love you little brother.”

“I hope you fall out of the car – that would be so funny”

“It’s my turn to sit in the front”

“Oh no – even the 7s don’t fit!!!!”

“Where’s Jordan?”

“Something sure smells good – I think whatever it is is right over there by the toy store”.

“Do you have enough money to pay for all those groceries?”

“You’re stupid”

“Could I go in there and look around for a while?”

“Is it dark out? We can’t go outside if it’s dark.”

“Where’s Jordan?”

“Mom you just go look at whatever you want to, I’ll find my own clothes.”

“Mom, if you don’t want to be here you could just go home and come back later.”

“Look at the really cool saying on this shirt – what does it mean?”

Crash!!! “Jordan, get up from under that sign. The store clerks will get mad if you use the sign for a blanket”

“Here’s the change for that miss. Miss! Here’s the change. Hello?!!?! I SAID I HAVE THE CHANGE!!!!”

“Where’s Jordan?”

“Yes, we’d like to buy this. Yes, we’re sure. Yes, we have the money. Wait a minute? What for – there’s nobody else in the store!”

“You two girls stop being hateful to Jordan”

“Jordan – shut up”

“Yes, those are cute pants, but shouldn’t you be able to zip them ALL the way up?”

“I think the mall exit is right there next to the toy store”

“Where’s Jordan?”

I think the reason my grandmother didn’t suffer from The Headache is because there were no malls and she never had to take 3 kids shopping at one. I’m sure of it.