Pill Pusher

If I am not careful, I am going to get a reputation at work as (at worst) a drug pusher or (at best) as the patron saint of vitamin C. I have never worked in an office where so many people are constantly sniffling, sneezing, coughing and generally dragging butt. I keep a small supply of vitamin C in my drawer and do my best to shove it down the throats of the snifflers, coughers and anyone else who will stand still long enough.

My company has outgrown its present office space. We will be moving to a new home in January. In the meantime folks are piled up 3 deep in offices built for one. There are desks in the hall. One poor fellow just hovers around all day waiting for someone to go to a meeting or out to lunch so he can swoop in and occupy their desk for a few stolen moments. I share the cafeteria/break area with 4 other people. At least we are a friendly group so the sardine-like atmosphere is not totally unpleasant.

Here’s how my day goes. I come in early and get my computer up and running and survey my tasks for the day ahead. As other folks arrive the wander into my breakroom office to get coffee or put their lunches in the fridge.

Worker 1: Sneeze, sniffle, groan. I feel awful. (I reach in my desk for the vitamin C). Ohhhhh. Everything achoo! hurts. I suggest vitamin C. I get the response – I drank some orange juice already, punctuated by sniffles and nose wiping.

Worker 2: Shuffle, shuffle, shuffle, sniff. Shuffle, shuffle, shuffle, sniff. Hack, cough, bark. Shuffle, shuffle, shuffle, sniff. Once again I reach for the vitamin C and offer it up. Another negative response. My body heals itself. Oh yeah – and a damn fine job it’s doing with not help and all that sniffling!

Worker 3: Sneeze, hack, cough. She then regales me with tales of her activity the night before – throwing up. That’s more information than I needed. Out comes the vitamin C again. This response was better than the last two. It seems miss barfy takes vitamin C if she thinks she might be getting sick but is SURE that it’s too late after illness is confirmed. I try to explain that your body needs C to help it fight off illness even MORE when you are actually ill. I am rewarded with a blank stare and vacant promises that she’ll buy some. Oh yeah – and then she’ll blame her barfing on it I bet.

Workers 4 & 5 enter together. They are two of my breakroom office cohabitants. One mentions that she has a headache. I had her two excedrin and two vitamin C. I command her to take them all!!! The other says he is tired and a little achy. In my best no nonsense style I summon up every inch of my 6 feet and hand him two C tablets. He cows under my glare and swallows them whole – without even a drop of water.

By the time worker 6 drags her disease ridden self towards the coffee pot, I silently but forcefully hand her two vitamin C tablets and toss a couple down myself. I threaten to break her neck if she doesn’t take the C immediately. I am tolerating no more excuses or ignorance.

I eyeball the water cooler in the corner. What would happen if I dissolved the rest of my C in the water? Then they’d all be drinking C, they’d be none the wiser, and I would feel ever so much better knowing that SOMEbody was doing SOMEthing to improve the overall health of this bunch of vitamin non-believers.

Another worker enters spewing germs and spit around the room. I’ve had it. I throw the vitamin C at him and stomp out of the room. I trot into my boss’ office and inform him of the facts. Fact number one: There are many sick people around me. Fact number two: someone is going home – either me or them. I was rewarded with a puzzled smile, a blank look, and a laugh.

I gave up. I went back to my desk. I took tape and marked out a perimeter around my desk. I posted a sign requesting that all bearers of disease, viruses and germs not cross the perimeter. I put a string of vitamin C around my neck. If garlic works with werewolves, maybe C works for disease bearing beasts.

I sang happy songs to myself and erected invisible shields in my mind to keep out the germs. I got a few odd looks, but I decided they were looks of envy because I am the ONLY one in that office who is NOT sick.