11/03/2020

So.. the big sex date happened. It’s now post first meet up with M and I’m smiling at my nerves now. I’d overcome most of them prior to him arriving, but now afterwards I can acknowledge how dumbfounded they all were. I know it’s natural to be a little nervous before a first date, and I think I’d already written about how long the build up was in terms of the length of time we’d been talking via whatsapp before actually meeting. So these nerves are natural. Now that’s he’s left I’m conflicted, lol what’s new. I’d said to myself before he arrived, the sensible thing to do, the thing which I feel like people would advise is to stay single and ‘focus on myself’ right now.. though I write that in quotation marks because, as I think it it feels like something single, lonely people say to make themselves feel better.

But before he arrived I’d kinda talked myself into this line of thinking. Now that’s he’s left I’ve gone 180 and think the opposite. A part of me feels as though the last thing I need to do right now is back away from the world. It was strange meeting him after 6 months of text talk. When he texted last night, and then when I spoke to him today he reminded me of K.. he has the european accent, but it was something he said which was so very similar. This threw me a little, but not in a bad way neccesarily. When he arrived he kinda reminded me of C.. which wasn’t great as I don’t have good memories of him.

He’s uber dominant in the bedroom, hot and skilled but I think that when I first spoke to him my voice showed my nerves a little and so he kept telling me to relax. Which I kinda expected. He’s uber masculine, and I’m not 100% about the vibe between us. I said to him I usually need to fuck someone a few times before I relax completely, and I think that if I got to know him a little better, I would love being dominated by him. At one point he lay on me as I was on my back and I could’ve stayed like that for a very long time, but his sex is very immediate, he moves very quickly.. although it’s funny he was telling me to slow down. I felt like at first he was saying relax, slow down etc, but I needed to first get off and then, I just think I don’t get that intimate with someone straight off. Although I think I’d like to with him.

He suggested coffee on Friday, which I went through about 5 different reactions to once he’d left. A part of me felt insecure, thinking he might not follow through with this. I’m not sure if it was enjoyable for him, he said on his way out that it’d been different.. but then wouldn’t elaborate on this..

I think I just feel uber erratic at the moment. I’m not sure if I come across as wired and edgy as I feel.. I sometimes feel as though I throw an atmosphere off slightly. I can’t work out if he was relaxed or not, I think he was basically fine during the sex it was just afterwards.. what did he mean by different? Maybe I’ll ask him. I think that’s the thing which makes me wonder, I feel as though an interaction is ok but then afterwards I wonder did i come off as uber intense etc? S told me I was intense..

He came back into my mind, although the intensity of that as passed now. I realised, he was like a representation of where I was in my life at that time. The first time he came over we stayed up all night, fucking and drinking and then both of us went into work the next day on no sleep. If I hadn’t have had the work stresses which had already sent me down this pathway of ‘fuck it,’ I don’t think we would have had the experience together that we had. If I met him now, or if I’d met him four, six months previously I wouldn’t have been up for partying on that scale, I wouldnn’t have been up for going into work on no sleep. It’s like the universe produced a man for me for this period in my life.. like a kind of mirror to what was happening inside of me. I wasdrinking all the time I was with him, and was just in the ‘fck it’ frame of mind. I had a thought after M left that I’ll never meet someone who it’s that perfect with, but it wasn’t perfect really, and we wouldn’t have been able to just keep drinking. I need to simply be grateful that he came into my life when he did, and that I was able to have had those experiences. I was falling into the schizophrenia about 6 weeks after meeting him, and if I hadn’t known him who knows what kind of turn that would have taken. It was what it was, and I am determined to move on from it now.

M is different, but I don’t know him well enough to say how yet. This is one of my own personal issues, that I’m terrible at describing other people, and it’s started to occur to me recently that perhaps I hold people at a distance, and don’t really let them in. I dislike the fact that I find it hard to describe other people, though as I think about it I wonder if i’m as bad as I think I am. And do I hold people at a distance, or is it just that I feel like I haven’t yet reached full potential and so am always looking ahead.

Gawd.. it’s good, this is just me free thinking. I’ve always been a bit this way.

Positivity, bring on the positivity 🙂