Mother coming to church!!!

Yes you guys, my mom decided to come to church with me!!!! Isn’t that AWESOME!! She actually decided to go to the methodist church that I have been going to…the coolest part is I think todays service REALLY touched her. During one of the songs a member of the church was singing, she started crying. I held her hand to let her know that it was okay. It was really cool. We stayed there from 8:15 to 11:30…I think….
O and guess what else? I’m gonna get baptized soon! I’ve never been baptized before in my life so that’s pretty big for me. Tomorrow, I am going to a meeting with my pastor so he can discuss with me when I am gonna be baptized and all that. Which reminds me, I have like 4 pamphlet books he gave me that I need to look over so I can better understand what I am getting myself into….so I have to do that in a little bit…

Well, I am dealing with something REALLY big right now. Last night, I told a friend of mine that I was sorry that I fought with her. You see, the night before, I was trying to tell her that that she didn’t need to do drugs because she wanted to try them. Well, at first I was like “Well don’t do it because even trying them once can get you hooked on them”…I was trying to be there for her at first because I didn’t want that to BE her. I didn’t want her to go downhill like that. I was trying not to show her that I was hurt she was gonna try it. But she kept telling me “Oh, I’m not gonna get hooked” or “It’s only ONCE”…and over and over I kept telling her “You will because drugs can control a person”…and she said “Do you REALLY think that my mind isn’t strong enough to actually get into them”…I tried to remain calm the who time though I was already getting frustrated because it was like talking to a wall. I kept teeling her that if she trusted me that she would listen…she told me that she did and that she WAS listening to me….but she was as “curious as a cat” so she was just gonna do it once. Now I’m thinking to myself”Ok, if you were listening to me…you would’ve took my advice”…but she didn’t. Then I was starting to get mad because I was telling her the same things over and over again and she kept giving me the same answers. Though I don’t think I was “over reacting” because though I was mad…I was trying to stay calm that whole entire time. She told me that I needed to calm down and that I needed to “breath”. Okay…that right there got to me. Because here I was trying to be what a “friend” is suppose to do and trying to convince her that I didn’t like it and that she didn’t need to do it because the thought of her over dosing on drugs in the future hurt me so bad. So out of frustration, I said “How bout this….you don’t do drugs, actually listening to me (while you can be mad at me all you want)…or you can do them and just forget about talking to me anymore.” Now that I look back, I hated that I said that. I began yelling at her and I told her “I’m sorry if this would get you mad, but right now you are acting really stupid in what you are telling me……and you aren’t stupid” Twisting my words, she says “How am I stupid?!” I told her “You yourself are NOT stupid, but what you are telling me is”…….I wasn’t really being supportive anymore…..I was now more like this war that should have never happened. I got so frustrated by everything she was telling me that I just wasn’t thinking anymore….
Well, I thought about all I said to her yesterday and I regetted yelling at her the way that I did. I was really upset that I was starting to cry because I didn’t want to be those people that tried to control other people’s lives (because that’s not me at all…….I needed to be there for her, not yell at her. I wanted her to listen to me and not just hear me. I wanted her to understand that if I was REALLY the friend she wanted, that I just wouldn’t say “okay” to something I know could kill her or take away some of the beautiful things that I knew about her….because she has a wonderful heart and drugs can make you a very angry person….she was going through enough already and she doesn’t need anymore problems on her…
Well, anyway…..I told her I was very sorry for how we got in a fight and I didn’t mean to make her feel bad if I did…..
The rudest thing that came out of her mouth was “I’m not gonna argue there”…so that kinda hurt me but I tthough “Okay, I deserved that”….and I told her that I was very sorry. And she started to say things that were kinda hurtful towards me…like why I didn’t consider her as my best friend because I made an entry with a quiz on it that said that Sara was my best friend….
…It’s not that I don’t (because I do)….it’s just that I have never met her in person and there are probobly somethings that I don’t know about her. We are online friends and we only see eachother “online”…..I mean, I would LOVE to have her as one of my best friends…I really would. But I still have alot more to learn about her. I am still getting to know her…at least I was…..

I told her that I needed to leave (because she was telling me things that was basically throwing in my face that I was selfish and inconsiderate to HER feelings…when I just told her that I was extremely sorry that I said things that weren’t appropriate for our conversation the night before…I don’t know….she laft saying “…it’s not worth living anymore” and I was so upset that I thought she was going to commit suicide because of me….

Well, today I went to her diary and clicked on her latest entry(which I was SO gratful to see)…..but I was so upset when I read it….
She was basically ignoring what I said to her last night and saying stuff that was basically putting me down on how I treated her and how I made her “inferior”. She was also saying things that made me look like I was just thinking of myself and not how I treated her…..
….I was so sad when I read that because she ignored that I apologized to her. It was really unfair….she was still letting what I said get to her……she wasn’t moving on from a stupid argument that we had. I already told her that I was sorry. If she still felt that I was making her feel worthless (which was NEVER what I was trying to do)…than I don’t know what to say. I don’t think there IS anything I can say to her anymore that would make her feel better…
I tried to understand her so I can help her…and I apologized when my human mistakes got the best of me……..and yet she doesn’t see that I do care and that I would never mean to hurt her feelings….

….I’ll be honest with you all….I have soooo much weight that I have to carry right now. I really don’t want more of it. I am trying to let go of all the bad things that have happened to me when I was abused…….I don’t wanna feel like this. I was so depressed last night when she left. I DON’T NEED THAT!!!!!! I am not EVER gonna complain that I am unhappy EVER AGAIN! I probobly will from time to time say that I am not having a great day, but I am now gonna start writing entries to where people would start talking to me a

gain………because me acting like the world just ending is just pushing them away. Have you guys noticed that I don’t get very much notes anymore? I want to be able to make people’s day and make them feel like that they can talk to me WHENEVER they want. I tried to help my friend that just decided that I wasn’t her friend anymore…….I don’t know what to do about that. If she feels that she can’t trust me anymore….then I pray that she will have the best life or that it will get better. I’m still opened totalk to her on open diary anytime she feels like talking to me again……

Well, I’m gonna go. I hope you all have a great day and a great tomorrow. I’m sorry about this entry for anyone that may not agree with what I was talking about. I love you all! ^_^ Take care and God bless you guys always!

In Loving Spirits,
~Amber~