08/02/2020

Still haven’t summoned the energy to commit to a writing project yet; I hate how self-obsessive the symptoms back me at times. I went into town today to get bits for holiday, which was good actually it was really nice getting out. A good friend of mine came over last night for a movie night which was great, love her to bits and we watched scary films, ate way too much chocolate and screamed through two pretty scary films.

I’ve been good today, just feeling a little bit flat this evening. I think I’m a little bit anxious about going on away on holiday, as historically it’s been my mum whose brought on symptoms, but I feel more positive about it than I have in the past which is really encouraging. It’s just this evening I’m feeling a little bit ropey again- these symptoms can really confuse the fck out of me. Sometimes now I’m able to see when and how my mind has wandered, but other times voices come in and I can’t work out why they’re coming through. I still hear his voice, the guy I was involved with when this relapse happened. It’s so strange though, it’s as if he’s trying to help, though as I write this I wonder whether his voice is simply there because of the impact he was having at the time, and my mind simply can’t make him negative, scathing or derisive. I can’t work out if i’m having some sort of extended existential crisis, but my mind and sensibility is too practical most of the time to actually acknowledge that.

I know it sounds stupid. I’m genuinely not suicidal, but I do have fairly dark times. I feel as though all I know about existential crisis’s is “to be or not to be,” and a scene from the Netflix series “The Good place,” where this angel Andrew breaks down completely at the observation that life is only a fleeting time before death, that everything we do will ultimately end up meaningless as we will die and it will all be left. I think this scene hit me harder than I like to admit because as I’m writing it I’m having an emotional reaction. I’m simultaniously feeling lost, and blank, and beating myself up for idolising the idea of this kind of crisis. At the end of the relapse, the positive voices, the ones who seemed to be on my side were saying “you need to go through this, this is where you are emotionally.” But the sad 17 year old voice was saying, “I’m not edgy enough to have this kind of process.” Stupid, so stupid. I have this insecure side to me which simply falls to the version of events which makes me out to look the worse. The version which makes me look weak.

I’ve been thinking I’m experiencing some kind of minor depression, which accounts for the flatness and the lack of energy. I need to stop beating myself up for this. I need to stop trying to overcome it all in one day, weeks etc. I think, there’s this little voice which I’ve been kinda skipping over- “what’s the point?” In getting up, in launching into life. It’s like I have this voice which comes in at the moment, subconsciously, and says that “to be the person that you want to be, you need to launch yourself into life.” I could achieve the things I want to, but I need to launch myself into life.” This then requires a degree of energy which I just don’t have at the moment, and that’s linked to this voice saying, “what’s the point?”

I’m being lazy, basically. It’s fricking ridiculous. I need to give myself a break and realise that this relapse has kinda scared the fear of God into me, and I’m not being symbolic. It has literally scared the fear of judgement into me, but the problem is I’m fearing that by self-harming, by having the thought processes that I do at times, I’ve set myself up for something negative, and then that this is why I need to launch myself into life now to overcome this. So then another side of me comes in and says I’m going to spend the rest of my life working for something which I’m not even sure I believe in. I know it sounds fcking stupid. I can’t remember if I had this before the relapse or not.

I think I need to avoid thought processes such as “launching in,” but then again perhaps the over way I’m going to overcome this funk is by doing exactly this. Lol, and tbh I think I’d already started thinking that when I get back from holiday, I’m going to start volunteering and this will be the kind of launching in I need. It need be no bigger than that. On the other hand, I immediately analyse this and start wondering whether I should try and go back to university, because this was something which came up during the relapse.

I swear to God my thought process is a nightmare at the moment. It’s going back and forth and back and forth. Do I need to break up with this fricking guy, am I just using that as a prop for other thought processes? Am I just avoiding this because I don’t want to be the one to break if off, why on earth why wouldn’t I want to be the one to do that. I have so much going on in my head which isn’t real. I have this constant positive mantra- “this will stop.”

It will stop. I need to sleep/