Happiness?

Sometimes I really wish I was dead. No – not really. Life, although shitty, is something to be cherished. But do you know what I mean? That longing for the pain to end.. it makes even death seem attractive. Sometimes I really want to hurt myself, but I don’t have whatever it takes to do that. The feeling is there though, it’s real. I see these images in my mind of all the violent ways I could die, all the violent ways I could end my pain, and sometimes those images don’t seem so bad.

Well I’m at a bad place right now, but this isn’t rock bottom. I’ve hit rock bottom before, and this is not it. This is tough though.

I wish I had a nice warm cabin somewhere where I could feel safe. Just like a place to escape for a day or two, when I needed to. I wish that I could go to this little cabin and when I came home, back to my real life, everything would be the same way that I left it.

Such an escape… ah well.

Will I ever get to a point where I can be depression free? Even just for like, a year?

I don’t even know what I need. I have a therapist, a mood stabilizer, good friends, a thoughtful boyfriend and a supportive family. I dont know what resources are left for me to use. I should be okay, but I’m not.

All in all though, I’m dealing with recent developments better than I’ve dealt with other stressers in my life. Sure, I have thoughts of harming myself, but I have no intention of going through with them. That’s a big step for me. Surely it means something right? I must be getting better, even if it’s only by a little. I am being stronger than I was.

I wish I had someone else to talk to sometimes. Like, someone who has so no emotional bond with me and can just tell it like it is. My therapist cares about me, and right now I don’t need a friend… I just need someone who will listen and tell me what to do.

There I go again, asking for too much when I already have enough, greedy me, right?

I need a quick fix – drugs, alcohol, something to stop the pain. I need to stop being so… negative. Is this negative? I don’t know what’s what anymore. I’m lost.

If anyone’s reading this, can you tell me if it gets better? And if it does can I maintain that feeling of contentment for a little while…?

I have bipolar 2 disorder, depression will always come back eventually, I just wish I could keep it away for longer than this.

Eat healthy, exercise, take meds, see therapist, kiss boyfriend, hug friends, talk to family, pet cats. What am I missing here? I thought I was doing everything I needed to stay happy and healthy… what went wrong?