Giving up

 I wake up feeling depressed. 

This is no surprise, not really. I don’t have anything im really looking forward to anymore. And that’s very selfish of me. I’m starting university soon and I have a wonderful job right now, but the only thing keeping me going is the thought of my pay check on Saturday. 

My all time favorite band is coming to town and even that can’t cheer me up right now. 

I think this is the crash. That moment where you realize life’s nota Cinderella story nor is it some family channel BS. This is the morning I woke up and realized that I would never truly be happy. 

Its not all bad. There will be other hypo manias, other steps out my reality. False happiness is better than nothing. 

Im going to get a tattoo, dye my hair, start school and be adifferent person. Someone who doesn’t bruise so easily. Someone who’s not bipolar or sad or too happy. And when I run away from myself maybe then I’ll escape this melancholy. 

I am so grateful for my friends and family and this job I have. And yet I cannot be happy or feel loved or needed. And that is what truly makes me sad. 

Done with dating too. That leads no where good. Done with trying to impress people and trying to fit in or feel accepted. Starting to accept that I will be strong and single, too weird to care and too old to need acceptance. 

I only wish I’d found out what really made me happy before I gave up.