Been a long time… but I’m back

It has been forever since I have taken the time and get all my thoughts out. So much has happened in the last year and a half. I will try to get it all here and make it make sense. It won’t be in any chronological order just however it comes to me in my brain…

The biggest and saddest thing that has happened is my very best and closest friend, my sister by choice lost her baby. She was 26 weeks pregnant. I had taken her to all of her dr appointments. We went on a thursday for an ultra sound and found out she was having a baby girl. The following monday was a regular checkup. During the visit they could not find a heartbeat. They sent us over to the hospital for further testing. Ellie was gone. They gave her the option to go home a couple of days to deal with it then come back and begin labor or do it right away. She and I were taking this journey together because the dad is a POS and not in the picture. We discussed it and decided now was better than later. She would have to endure labor since the baby was already so big. They gave her pitocin, and nothing stronger than demerol (sp?) for pain. My poor friend was in labor for 36 hours before she finally delivered. My job was to look at the baby and see if I thought she could handle seeing her. I was extremely worried of the image I would have burned into my brain forever. It was such a surreal experience helping my friend go thru labor like we had planned but under completely distressing circumstances. Ellie was born, and amazingly she looked like a perfect little replica of her mommy. She was beautiful. She only weighed 1 lb. Although, she was already gone the wonderful nurse took her over to the warming station and cleaned her up, swaddled her, the entire time singing to her and telling her what a beautiful little angel she was. We got to hold her and spend time with her for about 2 hours. It is the only memory we will ever have with my precious little niece. Finally, my friend started dozing with Ellie in her arms, and we made the decision to let the hospital call the funeral home. The funeral home btw was amazing. They do childrens funerals and burials free of cost. The only thing you have to pay for is the marker, and you get that at cost. The next two days were terrible, planning a funeral and trying to keep it together for my dear friend. We had each other though and made it through. That was a year ago on Aug 24, 2010

"Death leaves a heartache no man can heal. Love leaves a memory no man can steal"

On to a happier note…. Things with the hubby and I have been marvelous. It’s like he woke up one day and realized I am worth the effort. He is kind and considerate. He is very aware of my feelings and careful not to hurt them. He hugs me and kisses me and makes me feel like I am the most important thing in his life. We had many many years where I felt like he was only with me so we woudn’t have to seperate the kids. He is a good man and I think he only stayed with me out of obligation. None of that matters now. We have moved past all of those issues. I’m not saying we never disagree, we do, we still are very stubborn. It just feels different now. It feels like we found our love again and remembered what we loved about each other in the first place. So, things are good on the home front.

Lastly, weightloss, Anyone who has read my diary in the past knows i struggle with being overweight. I am 5 foot tall and weigh 215 lbs. I am not as ashamed to admit this now because I am doing something to change that. I started out at around 232 about a month and a half ago. I am going to the gym 4x a week with the hubby. I am eating healthy. I am not "dieting" This is a change I will stick to forever. We don’t eat salad everyday, we don’t deprive ourselves of food we crave. We just alter the recipes to make them healthy. We have an excellent pizza recipe we make that is low fat and less than 400 calories for a personal pan size pizza. We make Turkey meatloaf, etc. We are teaching our kids to make healthier choices. None of them are overweight, but I think it is important to learn early.

I look forward to hearing from my diary friends! I have missed you guys terribly.