never do theme of the week but this should be good

Dear Mom,

       Sometimes I hate even calling you that. Have you ever really been my mom? Have you ever shown me unconditional love? I cant say for sure. I will never be sure if the things I remember in my childhood are fact or just some insane alternate reality I’ve created. Most adults talk about their mothers and they remember this beautiful woman with a great laugh and warm smile. I remember a beer can and a joint. I never thought of you as beautiful. I only seen you as broken. I never felt secure with you, I only felt alone. I try to tell myself that you didnt intentionally make our relationship this way. That maybe you just werent capable of loving me. Maybe it was something in me that made it impossible. So much goes through my head on a day to day basis, and I cant help blame you for every bit of it. I am so terrified that everyone in my life is out to hurt me. Its because thats the people you allowed in my life. If it were only one person I could pretend that you didnt know but it was almost every man I ever remember you being with. Almost like I was part of the package. Something that made you more seem more appealing for them. Its funny how as a child you convince yourself that its a normal part of life. You convince yourself that there is something wrong because you dont enjoy it like they say you should. Crying is not ok. Crying only leads to bruises. Although, on the bright side, bruises fade, broken bones heal, stitches come out. Everything else, I still carry inside of me. I think what hurts the most is the fact that I still love you. I still have days where I just want my mommy. I dont feel like I am fully capable of loving my children because I was never taught. There are so many things i cant do normally because of you. So many pieces of me that just wont fit together. Thats all I am is pieces. I will never be able to experience being a whole person. And as many men that contributed to that, its only you I blame. I look at my children and I know my sole purpose in life is to protect them. Even if it means sacrificing myself to do so. Thats what a mother does. That is what defines a mother. So I ask you again…Have you ever really been my mom? I will never have the strength to actually give you this letter. Maybe one day when I finally break and what is left of my sanity disappears. Maybe, just maybe you’ll stumble across this site and you ‘ll know. Maybe this will convince you that I was worth loving.