on the inside
I’ve been doing well with my eating and exercise habits this week. I’ve lost 5 lbs since Sunday. I drink nothing but water and lots of it and just make healthier choices with everything else. It feels good to be accomplishing something no matter how small. So, it got me to thinking that maybe since I seem to be so driven to make myself healthy on the outside I should make myself healthy on the inside as well. I hold so much in all day long. If something makes me mad or upsets me I pretend to avoid it. But on the inside I’m constantly a wreck. There are so many broken relationships that need mending. People I pretend like I dont need because I’m so worried they dont need me. Mainly and most importantly my mother. I always have and always will need my mom. Although, i cant think of one time in my entire life where she was actually there when i needed her. I mean when i was a baby I’m sure she fed me and clothed me and all that but emotionally I have needed her for so long and she has never been emotionally available to me. I have never had anyone who I can just spill my insides to. Dont get me wrong, my husband is here and I’m sure he would listen if I just let it all out. I’m just afraid it would change his opinion of me. I have to find a way to erase all this negative, unhealthy crap out of me. I dont like the person I’ve become. I dont like the things that go on in my head. I just have no idea how to make it better.
that’s what i’m talking about. my mom says/does sneaky hurtful things. in the past i’d dish it back or just disappear for months/yrs like I didn’t care. Recently I’ve started to tell her what I’m pissed/hurt about. she’s been surprisingly cool. Back then I needed to be hard & saying I’d been wounded seemed like she’d see it as weakness & I knew/thought she’d just twist the knife harder.
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on the other hand: i ended an 8yr friendship 10 yrs ago (mutual hurts due to major life changes for both of us.) I recently apologized for my part b/c I valued the friendship. She NEVER apologized back for how she hurt me-i think, to her, my apology was admission that it was ALL my fault. I don’t feel weak. I feel better about myself for doing the mature thing & she’s STILL a selfish bitch!
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my point is we don’t let things out b/c we’re afraid we won’t get the outcome we want & possibly create other problems-it’s a good possibility but you’ll feel better about yrself-at least you tried to resolve it. My mom was never there for me but now I see it as she had her own crap & couldn’t do both or didn’t know how. In seeing I’m not superwoman I see that she couldn’t be either and it’s ok.
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WOOOOOOOOO HHOOOOOOOOOOOO! CONGRATS ON THE WEIGHT LOSS.
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