life

k why does it seem like life sucks so friggin bad sometimes? There is so much crap going on in my life. I mean dont get me wrong. I know I’m blessed with 4 wonderful kids and a husband who loves and takes care of us. Coming from such a shitty childhood, trust me I know how great things like food and a roof over my head are. But still….damn can i get a break. So here is a brief rundown

Feb 21st (which was a sunday) i got a call from my mothers friend saying she had taken so many pills the friday before that she was still sleeping. She wasnt even at the hospital when my brothers baby (another horrible occurence I’ll explain in a minute) was born. So i had my 5 yr olds birthday party and my grandma met me and we went to get her to take her to the hospital to try to get her into rehab. I get over to pick her up and she is laying in her bed with no sheets naked with the bedroom door open and a housefull of men. she stunk of piss. the reason she was naked is she finally took her clothes off because she had used the bathroom on herself so much in two days rather than getting up and going. So i get her out of the bed. she had no clean clothes so had to put on dirty clothes and underwear and had no bra to speak of. We get to the hospital at 6pm where they start doing a pill count. her valium had been filled on feb 11 and ten days later the bottle is empty. she also had zanex that were almost gone hydrocodone 2 left in the bottle lyrica like 5 left (apparently since she snorts them she doesnt have to take so many) and i cant even remember what else. Turns out she has been going to like 3 different drs and they are all prescribing her  different crap. So they take us back and my mom starts asking me to ask the nurses to give her something for pain (really? are you kidding me?) well 2am comes and the "counselor" finally shows up and starts asking questions. she tells him she’s not a drug addict she is just depressed because none of her family ever comes to see her. So he asks me why. I tell him because her house is gross. I’m not just saying a little dirty I’m saying like hoarders make you gag from the smell gross. and i dont bring my kids there plus you never know when you will walk in and them be messed up. He asks her if she does any illegal drugs. She said no. So i told her not to lie. she snapped her finger at me and pointed. I LOST it. She used to always do that if i tried to tell someone my stepdad was mistreating us. I told her I wasnt 8 that didnt work on me anymore. So long story made a little short. we committed her but they only kept her 3 days because she refused to cooperate. So, I have cut my mother out of my life. I cant go on pretending like everything is ok!  I just cant.

I have spent my entire life being abused, neglected, and ignored. And she has sat back and played the victim. i cant do it anymore. I am probably gonna go to hell because you are supposed to honor your mother and father. Well guess what…the only father i ever knew raped me, beat me, and then would tell me how disgusting, fat, and all around useless i was. And my mother sat back and let it all happen. She was too busy getting drunk and high with her friends to give a shit. We ate moldy jelly for breakfast when there was nothing else. Mayo on saltine crackers was a good lunch. At least it meant we had something. I remember the way we found out santa wasnt real was because we got evicted from our house and had to spend christmas eve in a car. 4 kids sleeping in the back of a car with snow coming down. And guess what? there was no santa that came and answered our prayers. hiding in suitcases on the rare occaision they could afford a hotel because its cheaper to just pay for 2 adults rather than 2 adults and 4 kids. And she thinks I owe her comassion? I owe her honor? I dont fucking think so.

So back to my brother….he is a child molesting piece of crap. he is 2 years younger than me. he has been accused of molesting several children and my mother has always done everything in her power to cover it up and make it go away. Well, his girlfriend, fully aware of what he is, purposefully gets pregnant by the piece of shit. they just had their baby in feb. my brother is a psycho and i know if i step in and try to help the poor kid he’ll come burn my house down or something so I can only pray that the state helps her more than they helped me as a kid. I’ve already made a few anonymous phone calls.

basically, i just feel all alone. I feel like I’m a horrible person because i was made into one. I feel like i was forgotten by God or whatever. I feel like I didnt live my childhood I survived it. I made it out alive. And as thankful as i am for that i still wonder just how bad it messed me up. Like how if there is a mess in the living room I’m anxious and nervous until its picked up like I’m gonna get knocked upside the head if the wrong person sees it. Like if my husband is mad about something that has nothing to do with me I feel like he’s attacking me. I feel like a complete failure as a mother because maybe I dont know how to love them right. No one ever showed me. I’m tired of having dreams that people are coming to hurt me in the middle of the night. I’m just tired……well if you made it to the end of this exhaustingly long entry, thanks for hangin in there. I think I’m done for now