Confliction in love

I went up to London yesterday with my ex. It was cold and wet, easier to see him than the last time and actually quite relaxed for a lot of the time. I felt as though I was able to switch some part of me off and just talk, and because I always find this difficult, with him and with other people, it was a good feeling. Though, of course, this made the day difficult.

I kept having moments where I would think “maybe I did the wrong thing breaking up with him.” There are so many reasons why we’d be good for one another, but this is what I was thinking before and why I let the relationship go on for as long as it did. Our chemistry is all wrong, in reality I find him attractive and awesome but not enough somehow. There’s times when I feel like his mother; times when he seems so, needy is too strong a word, but something like that. But I can never tell how far it runs, I don’t know why I just don’t feel like I see him properly, but I think that’s because he’s intimidated by me. We just don’t mesh.

We spoke, night before last, planning where we were going to go yesterday, but I eventually had to hang up, and then I just cried a little. I think he see’s the best version of me- but it doesn’t feel right. It’s not who I want to be exactly, his version of me- but then I feel ungrateful. I feel as though I’ve found this lovely man, who, to be entirely honest would likely follow me everywhere and anywhere I’d like to go, but I’m not appreciative. It’s not what I want. This then makes me feel foolish. However what I want is for him to push his boundaries, do something which scares him. I feel like his mother, and I don’t want to feel like that.

But yesterday we went to the Tate, I know he’d always be up for travelling and doing anything I suggested. He’s warm and kind, and intelligent and lively. It was just so very bad when we were together. He made my symptoms so bad, but I know why and it’s basically because he would bring out the worse side of me. It’s like I see myself when I look at him, and yes I’m aware how self-obsessive this makes me, and I hate myself for it. But I do, I see the part of me I dislike the most, and then it brings to mind the fact that I have this judgemental side, which I also hate about myself. I feel like I look at him and see how I perceive everyone looks at me, if that makes sense- constantly trying.

The positive side of me thinks he’s amazing, incredible for everything he does, but the judgemental side is damming- so viscious.

So instead now, I’m talking to a guy who I know my friends would tell me to avoid. He’s older, confident, sexually and otherwise. I’m drawn to him because of this, but it’s become conflicted in my head now. He was a part of the symptoms, and I want to meet up with him because I feel as though my symptoms messed up one “relationship” I wanted to work out, I don’t want them to mess up another. I’m being stubborn, basically, but I’m not 100%.

He has a lot of kinks, and he wants anal, and he’s made this clear, and wants me to swallow, and has made this clear. If he hadn’t made any of these things clear it would have all been absolutely fine anyway- I enjoy anal and don’t mind swallowing. But it’s just that now, he’s reiterated this so many times, it’s starting to feel as though.. I don’t know, the expectation seems to have risen. He’s sent me pics of women he’s been with, and they’re all super hot, model like women, and I guess it’s intimidated me. I’m just not someone to walk away from a guy because of this.

I know what you’re thinking- he’s not a good guy, avoid him like the plague etc etc.

This is where my mind is caught somewhat. Should I do the sensible thing and walk away, or should I meet him. This is where most of my moral quandries start from at the moment- should I stay true to that voice which says, do it anyway, don’t let uncertainty and doubt bog you down and make you scared. This is where I still am largely. OR, should I do the sensible thing.

He’s been entirely open from day one, with who he is and what he wants. He’s into open relationships, and I was completely attracted to it to begin with because it’s so completely different from what I’ve known up until now. Before my breakdown this was all thrilling,  but I suppose that now the flatness of my current life is starting to make me reconsider my own motives. I’m losing my nerve, basically. I’m starting to think i’m not good enough for him, which is a thought-process I hate for many moral reasons.

I can’t help it, I just loath the idea of making up some excuse because he may not find me physically attractive enough. I’ve been through it in my mind already and I don’t think it would bother me too much, his honesty from day one has driven that out.

So, we shall see. I’m ill at the moment anyway, sporting beautiful cold sores :)) so it won’t be until next week.