10.05.00 (Two-Timer Mick)

 Tonight is exactly a week since that beautiful night and I have not stopped thinking about him.

So I’ve fallen.

Though I’m NOT to show it.

I loved his total silencein reaction to, once we’d gotten MOJ outa the way, "Well, that’s all I was calling for, really." SILENCE. "Yeah, basically.." SILENCE. "Uh *giggle* yeah…" Then I began to blabber and he ended up inviting himself over for mine and Jodi’s Video Night.

No, he did not stay 🙁 I was WAY too tired and ended up falling asleep, subtly telling them [Mick, Trev and Will] to GO HOME!

I also loved his total silence when, as I was saying goodbye to him and Trev, I said, "Wellllll…. I’ll see ya’s… next week prob’ly." I was clearly stating that we were NOT to see each other beforehand, that we did NOT need to see each other otherwise.

I guess I’m being indifferent because I want HIM to go out of his way. And because he is yet to regain my trust. And because I don’t want him to know how desperately I really DO wish to see him – every day.

I bumped into Myra on Friday. We talked for a bit. And she mentioned Mick having had visited her "the other day". I assumed a few days before that beautiful night. And she also mentioned him having had had breakfast there. I thought, ‘Whoa! Hang on, how EARLY are college breakfasts?’ but I quickly did away with the idea of him having had stayed the night before it made me angry; before it made me hate him. But shortly afterwards she mentioned him having had payed with all the channels on her TV "all night." Suddenly I was thinking, ‘Yeah and what else did he do all night? Go down on you, devoured you like he did me two nights ago? Made sweet LURVE to you? Huh?’

I was angry. Then I felt NUMB. Suddenly I didn’t care if he did or not. And I still feel like ‘Yeah sure! Screw her, screw me! Have your fun, I couldn’t give a shit.’

But I HATE the thought of him treating her the way he does me. I see love and tender care in his eyes, like he could never let me go, when I’m with him. And I FEEL it too; the way he touches me…

I wish I knew for sure as to what the hell he’s up to.

All I know is that I wish I could hug him right NOW. Anytime, anyplace.

But I CAN’T.

Cos he’s NOT mine..

And THAT is why I push him away…

[written in very tiny writing] because I have to… to save myself the pain…