28.04.00 (Forgiveness & Caring)
My mind keeps racing, daydreaming, fantasizing. Remembering… Michael B.
I cannot stop thinking about him.
I think I feel like I’m in love with him, even though I know I’m not.
Memories of everything we did those few moments that we shared flood my mind and there is no boat to escape on. And I love it.
He has been the sweetest guy lately. Okay, so you think his sucker-up ways have melted me away. No, no. It’s nothing like that at all.
In fact, quite not.
I went to see him on Tuesday so I could introduce him to Deity and vice-versa. (She came back up with me for the week, which has been absolutely cool). And he’d been sleeping. I think I half woke him up. And he was not saying much. I bore the excruciating silence, all thanks to my feeble attempts at making conversation, for 10 long, long minutes. He did not say a word. And I was so ANGRY at him! How DARE he NOT welcome my sister the way he should have !!!
I said I had to leave. "This is a good book," he said as he extended The Beach out to me. He ALWAYS does that! And it annoys me so much! I guess I like it deep down – the way he always begins to show me a million things just as I mention leaving – as if he doesn’t want me to, trying ot keep me there with any old excuse.
Anyway, so I was angry at him. And very depressed. (I won’t mention the slip of paper I saw on his desk, with Myra’s new address and phone number in her writing). But I guess part of what depressed me so much was my lack of sleep – we’d arrived only that morning.
By the time I saw him on Wednesday however, my anger had faded, and I was prepared to stay on mental ground. But, he was happy to see me. It was OBVIOUS. And that totally cheered me up. I felt great all of a sudden and we were getting along quite well.
Throughout the 3 hours or so that I was there for our jam, everything went smoothly. But our eyes seemed to have some sort of intimate communication of their own. I knew full well what he was saying and I’m sure he knew what *I* meant. He was saying that he was sorry for ever having had hurt me the way he did. And that he really does like me very much, deep down. He cares for me. BUT I also KNOW that he’s not going to give in to the let’s-take-things-a-little-more-seriously thing.
I hoped he saw forgiveness in my eyes. Because in a way, I s’pose I had truly forgiven him. I know he read my message – the fact that yes, I do like him BUT I cannot and will not fall for him again. Nor will I put up with any superficial fling-thing. Not anymore.
I loved it. Yes. At the end of it, I realised that I loved it. I’d faced my feelings in the cold – yes, I do like him. Very much. And I care for him. And accept him. I don’t hate him. In fact, I may even love him. I’d healed.
But I did not ponder on it.
Two days later (today) I see him again. I wasn’t expecting anything of the kind. But I saw it in his eyes – caring. I love his beautiflu eyes. His beautiful, beautiful hazel eyes.
His beautiful smile…
We were left alone in his room once. His eyes seemed to give himself away. ‘Now that we’re alone, there’s a few things I have to let you know -‘ Until he saw my detached look. ‘Oh. Maybe not. And maybe no chance.’
When I first got there, Deity, for some reason said that "Dee is the best." "Yeah," he said, smiling that special smile, looking at me in that special somewhat flirty way, "Bloody oath." I was screaming deep inside.
I knew he meant more than what Deity meant. And I’m so happy. I thought I’d lost all respect from him. But I see that I haven’t. And that in fact he accepts me the way I am.
Deity says it’s obvious he likes me. "Just the way he LOOKS at you!"
I’m glad.
I smile.
I wonder if anything will ever happen again. Even if it does, I think it won’t happen for awhile to come. We need time. Lots of time, to rebuild trust, respect and caring. And when it happens, it’ll be different.
Mick, I do care for you….